In news that would have made every Little League coach I ever had as a kid piss his baseball shorts with laughter, an Oregon middle school football coach has been fired because he wanted to host a team party at Hooters and he would not back down from demands from the school district’s athletic director that he reconsider. In fact, coach Randy Burbach told Corbett School District AD Jean-Paul Soulagnet that he would rather lose his job than tell his kids that they couldn’t enjoy some above-average jumbo wings at Jon Gruden’s favorite restaurant.
So Soulagnet fired him. It’s funny how that works out, when employees lay down an ultimatum and are quickly booted. It’s almost like it’s a horrible idea.
Burbach told KGW-TV he would not bow to pressure to move the party, because he always told his boys to stand up for what they believe in.
That account differs from Soulagnet’s, who said that Burbach mostly objected to boosters speaking to others instead of complaining directly to him.
“I asked him to change it because I want the kids to enjoy their season,” Soulagnet said Tuesday. “If there are one or two kids not going to come because they’re not comfortable or their parents are not comfortable, then we need to change it.”
Soulagnet said “three or four” families complained about the location.
“Hooters is known worldwide for a number of things,” Soulagnet said, “and I don’t think food is one of them.” (Via the Miami Herald)
Well, let me take a guess, Jean-Paul, if that is your real, appropriately French name – Hooters is known for two things, and they’re located in the general boobal area of a woman’s chest, am I close? Let me tell you a little something about Hooters and America, brother… hold on, give me some inspirational background music, Hooters Girl Krista Farrell…
You know who else thought there were more appropriate restaurants to take middle school kids to, Jean-Paul? King George, for starters. The reason that we even had an American Revolution was because the British didn’t want our colonies to have luxuries like breastaurants and expensive light beer. The British wanted our children to eat food like cabbage and bland fish, never truly knowing the joy of having to over-dip a chicken wing in hot sauce because it was left in the deep fryer too long while the cook (probably named Zeke) went to leave a floater in the manager’s private bathroom. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, JEAN-PAUL? You want our kids to suffer from your Puritanical malarkey that acts as if it’s wrong for a couple bros to pretend they’re eating glorified fast food because they actually enjoy it? You want hundreds of college-aged girls across the country to never wear those orange shorts and a t-shirt seven sizes too small while embracing their future back problems, all in the name of a possible career in TV hosting, to pretend that they don’t have ambitions like they’re just a bunch of ugly smart people? YOU ARE THE PROBLEM, JEAN-PAUL. You’re the one who is fired. Fired by your stunning false morals. Fired by your faux sense of outrage and your even more arrogant sense of authority. But most of all… you’re fired by America. Long live Hooters. Long live America. And long live the Randy Burbachs of the world.
Now, someone hit the fireworks…
(GIF via Imgur)