Last time we checked in on E!’s Total Divas, things were absolutely getting out of control. Actually, I don’t really remember too well, so I’m just going to wing this part by saying that Nikki Bella and her breasts were upset about something while Brie was more realistic and down-to-Earth, Eva Marie’s star was rising despite her complete lack of wrestling ability, JoJo was jealous of Eva Marie because she’s only 19 and very immature, Ariane was being treated like crap by her boyfriend Vincent and that was in turn affecting her in-ring dynamics with Trinity, and Nattie couldn’t get any TV time or sex from her husband. Does that sound about right? I think so.
That said, Total Divas returned last night with “SummerSlam,” and our favorite second tier characters of the WWE’s female talent haven’t skipped a beat. Buckle up, because we’re about to get dumber than ever.
Post-Midseason Finale Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Trinity (she’s the only Diva on this show that doesn’t make me throw things)
2) Brie Bella
4) Eva Marie
5) Brie Bella and her breasts
Obviously, this will change by the end of this episode, as usual, so let’s get right into it…
You Guys, Eva Marie Has A Very Important Announcement, You Guys
Eva Marie is doing a Maxim signing now, which I thought would be implied since she did a shoot for the magazine and the WWE is great at cross-promotion. But I assume they just had to remind us that Eva Marie did a Maxim shoot, because her looks are all she has. I don’t mean that to be a dick, mind you, but her personality and general talent are totally lacking. There’s just no other way I can put that. And she proved my point by having a pissing match with Brie Bella over the difference between her four-page Maxim spread and the Bella Twins being on the cover of Maxim Espanol.
Eva Marie: “You and Nikki were on the cover of Maxim?”
Brie: “Yeah… well, Maxim Espanol.”
Eva Marie: “So you were on the cover of, like, the Mexican one?”
Brie: “Yeah. Espanol.”
Eva Marie: “But not this one.”
Brie: “The cool thing about Maxim Espanol is that it goes to more countries than the USA.”
OH MY GOD I JUST REMEMBERED WHY THIS SHOW PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH! SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP!!!!!!1!
This Episode’s Saying That I Love
Courtesy of Trinity: “What is the reason for the season?”
What does this mean? I’m not sure. I think it’s like, “Why are you so upset?” because she said it after Ariane had a hissy fit behind the wheel of her absurdly large SUV. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I would watch at least a web series that featured Trinity and Jon Uso driving around and reacting to things. They are still the best couple in the world.
By the way, E!, I love you guys, but Ariane complaining about a guy who hesitated at a green light is possibly the worst way to fill two minutes of TV ever. And yes, I understand that I’m saying this to the network that gives 40+ minutes to the Kardashians each week. However, Ariane throwing a drink at that guy and blocking traffic? Again, this at least deserves a web series of its own.
Runner-Up: “Man you look totally shart right now!” – Daniel Bryan
My Least Favorite Person Of This Episode
The young girl who shouted, “You’re so pretty!” at Nikki Bella and her breasts. Parents, you need to teach your daughters that narcissists should never be encouraged.
Let’s Talk About This Bella Twins Vs. Eva Marie Nonsense Some More
As all of this show’s Divas arrived at whichever Raw this was filmed at, Eva Marie had the balls to tell Nikki and her breasts to their face that she’s becoming the fan favorite. And just the way that she says it with that nasally, drawn out whine of hers makes a threeway featuring Janice from Friends, Fran Drescher and Gilbert Gottfried sound hot. When I first started these recaps with my limited knowledge of these Divas, I thought Eva Marie was a 9. Now she’s probably a 6 thanks to her ability to speak and lack of filter.
Eva Marie is buying into rumors on “Twitter and social media” that she’s going to be tagging with John Cena against the Bella Twins and Daniel Bryan at some point, and Nikki and her breasts were simply not having any of Eva Marie’s nonsense. Basically, it all boils down to this – Eva Marie thinks that four pages in Maxim make her hot shit*. The Bella Twins had a Maxim cover, but their main point is that Eva Marie is still nothing in the WWE compared to them. Arguing over Maxim, though? Let me run down a list of 5 quick things off the top of my head that I’d rather brag about than being in Maxim:
1) The ability to read
2) Purchasing stamps
3) Knowing how to make mac and cheese
4) Finding the bathroom in the dark
5) Owning a DVD copy of Air Bud
But don’t let me kill that buzz, Eva Marie. You keep walking around, holding that copy of Maxim. It’ll make for great conversation when you’re sharing a trade show booth with the hand they pretended to pull out of Mae Young in 20 years.
By the way, how much do you think an autographed copy of Eva Marie’s Maxim issue goes for on eBay? I’m guessing .01 with a Buy It Now option for .02.
*I’ve always wondered who came up with the phrase “hot shit” to describe someone who thinks he’s cool. Who wants to be hot shit? Hot shit is disgusting.