Worst: Competitive Guys With Big Attitudes!
HEY FELLAS HERE’S A STORY NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT
A few weeks ago, a previously babyface Miz didn’t accept a tag from partner Kofi Kingston, effectively walking out on the match and leaving Kofi to get mauled. This, by everyone’s understanding, made Miz a bad guy. BUT WAIT, somebody remembered that he’d filmed Christmas Bounty, an ABC family original about (as far as I can tell) Dean Ambrose falling in love with Melina while the cast of Dog: The Bounty Hunter stood around and clapped. That meant he had to still be lovable or whatever, so his heel turn was semi-retconned and explained away as Miz and Kofi being “competitive.” They both want main-event spots in the WWE, even though Miz is a former WWE Champion who once headlined WrestleMania with John Cena and The Rock and the most important thing Kofi’s ever done is cosmetically damage Randy Orton’s car. But they’re equals, and rivals!
That continued last night, with Miz and Kofi teaming up to face AXELBACK. They lose, of course, and after the match Miz helps Kofi up … only to slap him in the face. Kofi stares at him all angry, and then Renee Young tries to ask Miz about it during Backstage Fallout she just gets a weird “YEAH THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED I GUESS” redirect. Even Miz has no idea why he’s doing what he’s doing, he’s just doing what they write on the dry erase board.
But that gets explained by Cole as being a BIG ATTITUDE. Miz and Kofi are “competitive guys” with “big attitudes.” If you have any idea what that means, please explain it in a letter and mail it to UPROXX c/o With Leather. I am pretty sure “losing and having a random roulette emotional response” is not an “attitude.”
Worst: Kofi Kingston’s Tights
Danielle Matheson mentioned that it looks like Kofi is “on his period,” and now that’s all I can see.
Worst: MARK HENRY’S TWERKIN! HE’S TWERKIN!
Mark Henry is awesome and one of my favorites. He’s charismatic and good at what he does, and watching him fist-bump kids makes my heart swell. At the same time, “good guy Mark Henry” has always been a really, really bad thing, whether it was proto Kurt Angle Olympian Mark or that unfortunate “Kool Aid Man” Mark who teamed with MVP and lost to everybody for like 40 years.
I’ve enjoyed Mark’s rise to belovedness this time around — I’m counting his swerve on John Cena as part of this, which is still the best moment Raw can possibly have — but I’m worried that his desire to get cheers plus putting him in proximity to Summer Rae will make Vince’s brain go AWOOOOGAH and we’ll get another “FAT BLACK GUY IS SEXUALLY INSATIABLE” run. Sexual Chocolate was not my bag, and neither was Pajamas Viscera. If Mark can just have fun and stay cool that’s great, but let’s ease him away from the dancing characters and point him in the direction of Big E Langston and whoever else lifts and destroys things. THAT’S what Mark Henry does.
Worst: Titus O’Neil’s Digestive System
Speaking of strong black characters put into positions where they can look as stupid as possible, here’s Titus O’Neil not being able to recover from Thanksgiving dinner despite THREE DAYS OF DIGESTION, about to vomit up turkey on everybody because he got spun around in a circle.
There’s a lot to love about this — particularly the Real Americans’ custom track jackets, which unfortunately are not for sale on WWE Shop and probably never will be unless they get “redesigned” to look cooler, which would defeat the point — but yeah, I’m not sad that I missed the 10-minutes or so of Titus barfing on Smackdown and wish they’d just left it over there on the show I don’t watch. Vomit gimmicks are never funny, Droz was somehow a worse Road Warrior than Heidenreich and no WWE-related puking should happen without Vince weirdly offering the person coffee beforehand. He’s gonna HE’S GONNA he’s gonna HE’S GONNA etc.
I agree with whoever it was that said Zeb Colter pantomiming throwing up was the perfect image of this episode.
Worst: All Students Please Proceed Immediately To An Assembly In The Butthead Memorial Auditorium
Do you want to call it the
A. Undisputed WWE Championship
B. Undisputed World Heavyweight Championship, or
C. THE SUPER COOL BAD ASS TITLE FOR RAD DUDEZ
“The Unified Champion” sounds like a Marvel character from the 80s. John Cena should have to fight a big guy with orange skin and no pupils who shoots lasers out of his hands.