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The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 12/30/13: From Yes Yes Yes To Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

By / 12.31.13

Worst: How Many Times Are We Gonna Do This Same Brodus Clay Turn

Mid-card purgatory. WWE Creative writes an idea for you on their dry erase board (say, “Brodus Clay gets frustrated, turns on Tensai and the Funkadactyls” or “black people dancin’” or, you know, both). You do it. It works. Then they forget about you, but they need you to help pad out the 30 minutes of important stuff on a 3-hour show so you just go out and do the same thing again. And again. And again.

How many times have we seen Brodus Clay and R-Truth wrestle to get over the BRODUS LET XAVIER WOODS USE HIS MUSIC AND THEN GOT MAD THAT HE DID THAT AND NOW HE’S SORE talking point? They’ve been making it for a month. We get it. He let Xavier Woods use his music and then got mad that he did that and now he’s sore. He turned on Tensai three times, didn’t he? And now he’s losing matches based on EVERYTHING ELSE ON THE WHITE BOARD, such as “black people only wrestle each other,” “babyface does heel thing to get ill-defined revenge every week for two months,” “distraction leading to loss,” and so on. If Brodus and R-Truth end up in a Divas battle royal to become #1 contender to the Divas Championship they’ll have tied together the entire board.

Best: Paul Heyman Validates The Brock Lesnar Return

1. I could listen to Paul Heyman say “Brock Lesnar” on loop for three hours. Just keep saying it, I don’t care. BRRRRRROCK, LESNARRR.

2. I’m a big fan of whoever put this week’s show together. Maybe the guy who says F*CK CONTINUITY, DO IT ANYWAY was at the Toronto show. I mentioned Brad Maddox bringing up the botched three-count as a way to cover plothole asses, and now here’s Triple H announcing that he’s bringing the dude who broke his arm twice back because it’s Best For Business (as a way to protect himself from “WWE World Heavyweight Champion John Cena,” I’d imagine) and Paul Heyman touching all the important bases to keep me from getting bent out of shape about WWE storytelling.

Brock’s not here to settle old scores. That separates him further from Triple H, keeps you from being all WHAT’S BROCK GONNA DO ABOUT CM PUNK and lets you focus Brock directly on his announced mission statement. Heyman definitively adds that Brock isn’t here to settle any of Paul’s old scores, either, which helps us know that Heyman learned his lesson on that last cane-whooping from Punk. Brock and Heyman are here and moving forward and doing something new, so we don’t have to get caught up in the past tangles. All you have to do is say it out-loud. Thank you for that.

Best: Brock Lesnar Talking

Speaking of saying things out-loud, I want to reiterate how much I love Brock Lesnar talking.

A lot of you sent me, “man, I wish they wouldn’t let Brock talk” tweets and messages to commiserate, but I don’t agree. If anything, they should let Brock talk more. He is a SHOOT BULLY. Bullies are not these loud, showboat entertainer types like The Rock who have something quippy and funny to say to everything. They aren’t all Bray Wyatt types, clutching at their hair and going through mood swings to reenact their favorite Jake Roberts and Mick Foley promos. They’re just big, stupid assholes who don’t know what they’re saying and sound threatening anyway because they are big as f*ck and can kill you for real. That’s Brock. Pro wrestling needs more guys like that.

This is where Brock’s UFC experience works well, I think. How do real fighters speak? You’ve got Chael Sonnen, but there’s only one of him. He’s got a bunch of prepared material to get himself over. Most guys are just like “uhhhh yeah I wanted to punch him in the face and he’s a f*cking pussy and I’m gonna break his arm.” They are REAL. Crude, real, flawed. The kind of person you kinda have to be to be “tough” in today’s world. WWE’s so into the idea of poet warriors they (and the fans) forget that the WARRIOR part brings with it all the mumbling and weird yelling and vague threats of a warrior.

Long story short, if a guy comes up to me and says WHAT IN THE BLUE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING, I’M GONNA TURN THIS SUMBITCH SIDEWAYS, SHINE IT UP REAL NICE AND STICK IT STRAIGHT UP, YOUR CANDY ASS I’m going to make a dismissive wanking motion at him with every part of my body. If he shows up and seems confused but hates me and his face is all red and he’s ALIEN YELLING I’m going to piss my pants and bolt.

BEST: Somebody Gon’ Get They Wig Run Through A Barricade And F-5′d On The Floor

Seriously, Brock’s yelling is MY FAVORITE. REEEAOOHHHHH~!!! It’s like a dying beast. Inhuman. In terms of recent Paul Heyman Guys it’s certainly a step up from “youse” and “verse” and “shaa.”

I made the mistake of reading Smackdown spoilers and had the Lesnar/Henry confrontation spoiled for me, but it was still the best possible pro wrestling television. Brock Lesnar challenges anybody because he’s Scut Farkus on venom in real life and gets answered by the STRONGEST MAN IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, Mark Henry. Because he’s ultimately a coward (because all bullies are ultimately cowards), Lesnar takes a cheap shot and gains an advantage … that leads to a fight on the outside and Brock just running a 400-pound man through a security barricade and getting up all REEAAOOHHHHHHHH and holy shit do I wish Brock Lesnar was on every episode of this show.

That doesn’t even touch the F-5 on the floor, which Henry sold like a giant-ass fish hitting the ground. I loved it all. Now let’s let Brock murder folks instead of having contract signings and eating pedigrees, shall we?

Best/Worst: The Genesis Of Aksanacutty

This week’s Divas tag was pretty crummy, but it felt like I was watching the f*cking SENDAI Girls after last week’s “hold hands and run in a circle” spot. It was an attempt at a wrestling match at least, so I can’t insult them too much. But yo, can we have ONE 5-on-5 Divas match that proceeds normally according to the rules, and doesn’t involve everybody “losing control” 40 seconds in? The Divas are not uncontrollable rage monsters. They can be made to stand on the apron and accept tags like normal people.

Congratulations to Aksana, by the way, who wins what I’m assuming is her first match since joining WWE five goddamn years ago. Her porno sax is the world’s most hilarious victory music, and with Old School Raw happening next week it took me back to those halcyon days when Silk Stalkings was on after wrestling. Hey Mitzi Kapture, if you’re reading this (and I assume you are), hit me up.


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