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The Best And Worst Of WWE TLC 2013

By / 12.16.13

Big E Langston Damien Sandow

Worst: Let’s Just Come To Terms With The Fact That Damien Sandow Is The Honky Tonk Man At Best

He’s going to be the half-assed Stone Cold Damien Sandow forever.

When we become fans of wrestlers, we want them to end up as the champion and the most popular person on the show. It’s what we do with sports teams, too. In baseball, if our team doesn’t win the World Series we complain that the owners don’t care and don’t want to invest in free agents or whatever. The pro wrestling equivalent of that is that they’re being “misused” or “held back” or “buried.”

The reality is that some baseball teams just suck, and that not every team can win the World Series all the time. In wrestling it’s not so much about whether or not the performer sucks (that has very little to do with it, because … well, you know, it’s not a real sport) but about the role they’ve been cast to play, and how they’ve been asked to play it. Back in the 80s you had these guys like Honky Tonk Man and Mr. Perfect and Ted DiBiase. Some of them were clearly superior performers to the guys on top, but they were playing parts … they were guys we were supposed to want to see fail, or guys who could make the lesser performers with the capacity to make way, way more money look like the best wrestlers in the world.

I think we need to find peace in the knowledge that guys like Sandow are probably always going to look like foolish assholes and probably never be the main event at WrestleMania (or even the third part of a “triple main event”), but that they’re going to stay employed forever because they’re good at what they do, and get to make money and be happy living their dream of being a shiny, admirable cog. I love Heath Slater. He’s better at wrestling than most people on Raw. Should he EVER win? Probably not. And that’s okay.

So yeah, watching Sandow get three’d (and not five’d) by Big E Langston was sort of a sad indicator of where his career’s going, but hey, at least he got to wrestle on pay-per-view. Dolph Ziggler doesn’t get to say that.

Best: We Just Watched Big E Langston And AJ Lee Defend Titles, And Ziggler Lost To Fandango On The Pre-Show

Maybe you shouldn’t have gotten a big head and turned on them, Zigglypuff.

Screen Shot 2013-12-16 at 11.51.07 AM

Worst: Giant-Swinging Goldust Is All Well And Good, But Where’s My The Giant Swing?

Antonio Cesaro’s indirect beef with Goldust should continue at any and all times, because they’re basically the #2 and 3 best wrestlers on the show (debatably … either of them could be #1). That said, I am not okay watching Antonio Cesaro and The Big Show stand in the same ring with one another without Cesaro getting to throw him around like he’s Rey Mysterio, Swissly Death him to death and giantly-swing him around a hundred times. Because you know he CAN.

Maybe they’re saving that for WrestleMania or something, but that’s what I want. I don’t want Ryback, I don’t want Curtis Axel, I don’t want the Rhodes Brothers having to defend their titles in a thrown-together fourway featuring two teams that are just singles superstars paired up because they don’t have anything better to do. I want Cody and Goldust in a feud with a team of consequence built around a story, and I want Cesaro freak-showing the shit out of Big Show. The end.

Cody Rhodes Rey Mysterio

Best: Cody Rhodes And Rey Mysterio All Day

Maybe what we need to do is get Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara* to reform CAR STEREO and go after the tag belts, because the final moments of Rey vs. Cody were OUTSTANDING. Cody’s sorta been lost in the glorious renaissance of Goldust but we shouldn’t forget that he’s an absolute top shelf pro wrestler and can go at a level few can match. HE’S the guy you need to pair up against legends in those torch-passing things they keep doing, because he’s learned all he can trouncing and being trounced by mid-carders.

If Punk didn’t seem like a such a surefire Royal Rumble winner to me I’d suggest Cody for it, both to give Cody another shot at the top and to bring that Rhodes Brothers vs. The Authority storyline back around so we can work it to its conclusion. Cody Rhodes avenging his loss to Orton earlier this year that cost him his job? Yes please. As a bonus, maybe we’d get Cody vs. Goldust for the strap at Extreme Rules.

*Yes, the Hunico version**
**Yes, I am still okay with them putting a Rey Mysterio mask on Camacho and expecting us to think it’s the same guy

Screen Shot 2013-12-16 at 11.57.36 AM

Worst: When Toys Are Around, Everybody Gets Super Stupid

If you need confirmation that every WWE Superstar is just a five-year old with Big disease (or Jack disease, depending on your level of pessimism and reference of choice ), look no further than these goddamn segments where wrestlers find toys lying around and turn into dumb idiots.

I grew up with wrestling buddies. Hell, I’ve got a John Cena Brawling Buddy downstairs. I got it in my WWE 13 swag bag. I have never been like HEY YOU WANNA GO and then mindlessly jammed my toy into somebody else’s. You set them up for wrestling moves. That’s what they’re for. You powerbomb them and give them piledrivers and shit. WWE, were you never a little boy? I had a meticulously booked and charted-out wrestling promotion built around my Marvel Superheroes and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures. I had stories that went on for years. I didn’t just say WRESTLINGGG and smash Mondo Gecko into Silver Surfer until they broke.


Worst: Welcome To Raw, Motherf*cker

R-Truth pinned Brodus Clay with a roll-up. In a match YOU HAD TO PAY TO SEE.


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