Worst: I’m Not Kidding, They Copied In The Raw Script And Forgot To Remove A Big Section Of It
The next match is Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz. Again. If you think I’m too hard on Kofi Kingston, imagine that your job was to Phil Connors’ trip to Punxsutawney in some entertaining way, and he just relived the same slightly-different day over and over and over and over and over and over. That is my life.
The only thing I enjoyed in this match was Miz dragging Kofi around by his hair like a caveman and slapping him in the face. I thought that was pretty great. Aside from that, it was the same exact thing we’ve seen them do on Raw for the last month. I think maybe when WWE Creative has to write a pay-per-view they need the template for the show, so they just go back to Raw, highlight everything, copy it and paste it over onto PPV.txt. I do that with the pre-show notes sometimes. The problem though is that they don’t have a lot of time to make sure everything works, so they’ll get busy and leave entire sections of Raw untouched, and we get pay-per-views where assholes play with toys, R-Truth beats Brodus Clay with a roll-up and The Miz faces Kofi Kingston. That’s what happens, isn’t it? It’d also explain why the Raws after pay-per-views are just full of pay-per-view rematches. Copy, paste, intend to change and get busy. MIZ VS. KOFI FOREVER.
Worst: Tribute To The Troops
Best: Bray Wyatt, Ultimate Creeper
That picture’s still not as creepy as the one of Jeff Dunham.
Daniel Bryan versus The Wyatt Family (all of them) was my favorite part of the show, which is probably the most predictable thing you’ve ever read, right? My favorite part of Christmas morning was probably when I got to get presents. It played out more like a 3-on-1 handicap match should, with Bryan getting the crap beaten out of him for almost the entirety of it, only getting a second wind and a bunch of offense in when the Wyatts let up on him to “give him a chance” or try to teach him a lesson. WWE “story” matches are hit and miss for me, but when they hit, they hit hard. Bray still thinking he had a chance to get Bryan on his side by beating it into him was masterfully done, especially with Bray’s creepy ass EVERYTHING and his ability to project his voice, which is a really underrated attribute to have as a pro wrestler. Everybody in the arena could hear everything Bray was saying, mumbly crowd noises or not.
I also really liked how reasonable Bryan’s offense seemed. He’s not “smart” like Punk. He’s actually one of the stupider characters, driven by rage and kicking and sarcasm. He’s not gonna figure out how the Wyatts operate with one another and exploit that, he’s just gonna move out of the way, see if they get tangled up in something and then kick them to shit. I’m okay with that. That’s pretty exciting.
This is the Bray we’ve been needing to see. Every moment he was in the ring seemed important. His offense hit like a freight train — the actual train that carries freight, not like Freight Train — and even his extraneous movement seemed purposeful. He’s got great body language. When he turns and moves around way too much to express anger or confusion it works, because he’s such an oddly-shaped, oddly-moving duck you can’t help but be interested in watching him contort.
Best: 2-For-2 On 3-On-1 Handicap Matches
And here we have it, the section where I have to admit that I am a jerk and that sometimes WWE knows what they’re doing.
There was no way in hell my brain was gonna accept a pay-per-view with TWO 3-on-1 handicap matches, especially not after the Era of Handicaps we’ve been living through lately, but both Punk vs. The Shield and Bryan vs. The Wyatts either made their participants look great or moved a story forward. That’s all you can ask for in a wrestling show, isn’t it? Entertaining matches, good characters and stories that are moving and happening, good or bad.
Next you’re gonna tell me you can make an entire pay-per-view out of cage matches.
Worst: I’m Gonna Go Ahead And Say Never
What, Drowning Pool doesn’t have any new songs about bodies hitting the floor?
I want more like this!
Follow us on Facebook and get the latest before everyone else.