Worst: The holidays sucked and I missed writing about some real great stuff on Impact, or Best: Oh man, you will not believe the stuff we didn’t have to watch this month
Here’s what you’ve missed on Impact:
Rockstar Spud has been promoted to Dixie Carter’s Chief of Staff, went on a weird xenophobic trip to Georgia, broke into AJ Styles house to steal back the world title, found a mounted deer head and guitar just lying around because AJ Styles is relatable to the common man, but was stopped and returned empty handed. He’s now a sycophantic scumbag in a bowtie who has Dixie Carter’s theme song as his default ringtone, texts like Eddie Kingston, and somehow became incredible.
Bully Ray now wanders around in the hoodie and sunglasses AJ Styles presumably left behind because I guess the Brotherhood of the Traveling Hoodie is a real thing now, and AJ got to go to Japan and kiss a dude in a boat so now Bully Ray gets to wear it and be sad and maybe go visit his grandma about it. He’s trying to be ominous and creepy and the destroyer of worlds, but Bray Wyatt already exists, and as far as I know was never uncomfortably abusive towards a kind-of ex-girlfriend, and is smart enough to know that likening your fake feelings on your fake wrestling show to being raped isn’t a thing you say…ever.
Jeff Hardy got fed up with the politics and fighting and lost his smile (and his ability to travel outside of the US), and vowed to return when the sun shines on this dark kingdom because someone looked at Jeff Hardy and said yup, let’s let that guy talk. The creatures were sad, he took off his shirt, and I guess we’ll see you when we’re back from the hellscape that is the TNA UK tapings.
The Feast or Fired briefcases were revealed. Gunner got a title shot and some tense looks from James Storm, Xema Ion got an X-Division title shot, EC3 got the tag title shot, and Chavo was fired. Merry Christmas, Danielle!
Norv and Dewey did not win any briefcases, but also did not get fired, so I don’t have to reduce the Impact Zone to char and cinder. And they’re best friends now, so…
Sting really, really likes wearing stuff with photorealistic lightning. He’s also still kind of a sad old cartoon man whose senility has given him the selective memory to be mad at this new concept of unearned privilege in professional wrestling, and therefore hates Ethan Carter III, and keeps showing up like the world’s worst Renge without the fun of a powerful motor or, I don’t know, any fun at all. But it’s cool, because EC3 beat him.
Oh, yeah, by the way, EC3 pinned Sting.
James Storm is all mad at Gunner for beating him to the World Title Shot Briefcase during the Feast or Fired match, Gunner’s mad at James Storm for not letting him wear his hat or something, and now they’re broken up and don’t get to braid each other’s beards. I even heard that James Storm changed Gunner’s label in his phone from “Beer Gunny” to “Jerkface McVikingdick.”
Dixie Carter is still the best, and I genuinely missed her segments these last couple of weeks. It’s good to be back in Dixieland.
Austin Aries is your new X Division Champion so we can set up a storyline where Velvet Sky is a near-subhuman plot device and Chris Sabin gets to treat her real bad, because no one on this show understands how to write for or interact with real human females in any capacity. Austin Aries is at his most banal, but does look like a pug who is constantly startled by loud noises throughout the match, so that’s a fun thing.
Oh, and Magnus is your new World Heavyweight Champion.
Confused? You won’t be after this episode of…
Uh…I mean Impact.