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The Best And Worst Of TNA Impact Wrestling 1/2/14: I Went To Japan And All I Got Was This Lousy Haircut

By 01.03.14

Worst: A real SCUMbag

Remember the time that douchewad covered the tubbiest dude in the company with lighter fluid at the pivotal ending of his powerful main event faction?

At least Steve Corino had the presence of mind to be real nice to the lawyer who could get him his job back, instead of trying to set the only one in the company on fire.

Look, I am actively reminiscing about something that happened recently in Ring of Honor. That is how bad this is. Don’t make me do that. This isn’t going to lead to Prince Nana being delightfully concerned that Corino is going to wear a banana-ass yellow jacket on television instead of, you know, the time he tried to burn Kevin Steen to death. This is not going good places.

Don’t do what ROH TV does.*

*except employ Robert Evans, Veda Scott, and ACH. Everyone should do those things.

Best: Joseph Park

It’s just really nice to see him, even if he is shrouded in a towel of excess sweat and sadness.

Also, check out this commission I got from Chris Sims for Christmas, as drawn by Kyle Starks:

joe park!

Friendship-based everything!

Best: Speaking of things I’ve missed

Oh, sup EC3. I heard you beat Sting. Thanks for being delightful, and also making me enjoy a segment where Sting speaks.

PS. lol forever at you nerds who think I only like Ethan Carter III because of how he looks. Just because he has muscles I don’t even know how to google, and I have zero understanding of fitness, doesn’t mean that’s why he gets bests. Realistically, if I were going to only write about talented wrestlers I also thought were attractive, this would be the Best and Best of Tim Donst, featuring such classics as That thing he did with his legs in that one video, Gym Shorts: The Unsung Heroes of Wrestling, More like Lucha De ApuesDON’T, and then this gif.

Haha, you knuckleheads getting all weird at the idea that a lady might have opinions AND attractions at the same time. You know which side of the room you get to sit on.

also perfect

Best: Magnus is crowning, but who cares because Rockstar Spud and EC3 what are you even doing

Winning my heart is what. Oh jeepers. Let’s review:

1) Ethan Carter III on that Channing Tatum suspender sh-t is the gift that keeps on giving. American icons, tbh.
2) If you guessed that Rockstar Spud wiping schmutz off of EC3s face was the TNA Turning Point in my acceptance, nay open-armed embrace of non-wrestling Spud, you are absolutely right. Three for you, loyal reader.
3) Rockstar Spud’s exuberance and inability to keep still? Oh, babylove.

Magnus still hasn’t won me over, because Magnus is made of Melba Toast held together with flour paste, but this still gets a best because everyone around him is just so good. Dixie Carter’s developing comedic timing is a trip. They all have their own defined personalities and interpersonal relationships, but together they’re able to layer them into one cohesive motivation.

The clueless yet powerhungry horndog president picks her champion out of a catalogue based on looks (she’s shootin’ on ya, folks!),and is building her perfect ideal while everything under the surface is going to hell. EC3’s visible resentment borne of his own sense of entitlement, bolstered by a legitimate victory over the thorny legend who will not leave him be. Rockstar Spud, clapping and smiling.

It’s a weirdo dysfunctional family that I miss when they’re not around, and more importantly, that I will tune in each week to watch. They’re entertaining. They’re always moving things forward. It is good television, and it occasionally comes with good wrestling (pretty much always if you take Magnus out of the picture). If Magnus goes full high-camp smarm this could be one of the best things TNA has ever done. It already pretty much is.

So maybe let’s fire that other half of the room, and leave the bullshit behind in 2013, k?

Pretty please?

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