Best: The Best CJ Parker Match Ever
I know I normally use “the best (guy I hate) match ever” as a gag for when they get squashed and made fun of, but I’m not being facetious here. This is the best CJ Parker match ever, and the finish is an early front-runner for my favorite finish of the year.
Parker gets in a decent amount of offense — I’m gonna credit him not doing his wobbly-knee’d “hippie” dance nonstop like he normally does — and goes for an airplane spin. The crowd boos him for it, but he spins and spins and spins. When he’s done, he stumbles away to sell the move and Cesaro TOTALLY NO-SELLS IT BECAUSE HE IS THE BEST PERSON IN WWE AT SPINNING. God DAMMIT do I love it when wrestling makes sense. Cesaro just cracks his neck as the crowd goes OH SHIT and Parker watusis back into a giant swing and gets Neutralized. I honestly can’t overstate how much I loved this.
Best: Here We Go Again
To make the match even better, Sami Zayn interrupts Cesaro’s celebration and asks him for a rematch to their 2-out-of-3 falls classic. YES PLEASE. Cesaro says no, but he totally means yes, and I’m so happy right now I can barely breathe. The live NXT special on the WWE Network is going to be the most baller thing in wrestling and f*ck the pay-per-views, I’m committing for however long they want me to to see this.
Worst: Let’s Ruin Everything Good That Just Happened
Wrestling karma demands balance.
Just seen an awesome Antonio Cesaro match that ends with Sami Zayn challenging him to another 2-out-of-3 falls match? Here, let’s jump backstage where Devin Taylor (boo) is interviewing the Miz (OH GOD BOO) and they get interrupted by a distraught, lingo-spouting CJ Parker (UGH BOOO) to set up a match between The Miz and CJ Parker (you are f*cking dead to me). Way to give me a delicious bowl of cereal and then shit in it, NXT.
I’m counting on you to make this feel ten times worse than Kingston/Rusev, Full Sail audience. I’m also counting on Alex Riley calling the match and responding to every move by saying “THIS IS LIKE THE TIME MIZ DID A SNAPMARE” or “THIS IS JUST LIKE WHEN I WAS WITH THE MIZ AND SAW HIM DO A DROPKICK” or whatever until his head explodes.
(I am also counting on this to be a dark match.)
Best: Natalya Is Gonna Get Hungry And Leave No Man Untested
Two important things happened in regard to the NXT Women’s Division on this show:
1. Natalya got a win over Summer Rae, tapping her out clean to a sharpshooter in what I assume is Natalya’s last NXT appearance before she returns to Raw and reality television to be “wrestler’s girlfriend,” and
2. Charlotte returned from whatever bunker closet they’ve been keeping her in to explain that she’s been off riding in limousines and flying in jets, and to call Bayley a “cat lady,” which is honestly pretty funny.
Also Renee returned to commentary, which is great, but she mostly talked about how women are gossipy bullies when they get together in groups and called Bayley “Paige,” so I’m gonna pretend it was Alex Riley in a blonde wig.
Best: Let’s Forget About That Miz/CJ Parker Interview
WWE’s finally wised up and started putting up Enzo Amore interviews in clip form. How you doin’.
This week, Enzo (in his animal-print motorized wheelchair that matches Big Cass’s belt) reveals that he can fly (!!) and will be back in action in no time. Cue Aiden English, who is only here to reiterate that he is great at singing, and to get his foot run over by said animal-print motorized wheelchair.
I seriously want a thing at Axxess this year where I can pay extra to sit and talk to Enzo Amore for ten minutes. I’m not sure if I’ve ever been aware of a wrestler who can make zero sense but still get his point across and be so entertaining about it. Well, not in a long time.