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The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 1/13/14: Chekhov’s Johnny Fabulous

By / 01.14.14

Worst: Orton Could’ve Opened Fire With A Machine Gun And Killed The Crowd Less

I think Randy Orton’s been great in the ring for most of the last year. I think Kofi was getting better before he jumped jump-first into a best of a billion series against the Miz. I am starting the paragraph this way because holy shit was this 70-minute Kofi/Orton match brutal, and I’m not sure the crowd could’ve been any deader. I haven’t seen a Rhode Island crowd this dead since Great White came through.

For whatever reason, WWE decided that they needed to make Randy Orton (the guy holding both the WWE and World Heavyweight Championships as the undisputed WWE World Heavyweight Champion, less than a month out from beating John Cena in a TLC match) an “underdog” or something and have him lose a non-title match to Kofi Kingston, a guy who lately has not shown the ability to believably beat Mike from The Real World. It was a shock, I guess, but not one that we can count on to last or go anywhere. It was sorta the opposite of how you felt when Shelton Benjamin got a surprise win on Triple H, even though it was fundamentally the same thing. Kofi’s not gonna change next week or build any momentum because he DOESN’T EVER. Orton continues being Orton, win or lose, and is still holding two belts. He still has to face John Cena, a guy who has lost two clean “regular” matches in the last five years. I don’t know.

It wasn’t that the match was bad, it was just ridiculously boring. Orton went into his old “stand near you for several minutes, stomp you once and then go for a slow pinfall” mode, which is terrible. Watch him when Kofi gets knocked to the outside. He follows him out, then does a complete walking lap around him before touching him. What’re you doing, Randy, trying to back out of a driveway? Just stomp him.

(Note: shut up, you don’t care about Great White.)

Screen Shot 2014-01-14 at 2.02.37 PM

Worst: Reruns (But It’s Fine, We Can’t Remember Anything)

1. Was Dad Cena sitting beside Gallagher? Followup question, when did Gallagher get fat?

2. Was that one of Orton’s fake on-screen wives screaming about Dad Cena getting attacked? She was the worst. WHEEEEEEE! WHEEEEEE! WHEEEEE! She sounded like a baby pig. It was the second worst scream of the night, right behind Rey Mysterio sounding like E.T. in Alberto Del Rio’s armbar.

Anyway, remember this?

At least that one involved brutal head-kicking. And no Gallagher.

Best: Ryback, Keyboard Warrior

I can’t explain how much I love the reboot of Ryback as a guy who is not a bully or a bully on the Internet, but a bully TO the Internet. A guy who is so bothered by what strangers have typed about him in 140 characters or less that it consumes him, and he spends his days tweeting and deleting whatever he can think of to “work” us. He can’t even wrestle without thinking about the Internet. He’s in there making little “typing” gestures.

I’d go all the way with it. Have him show up at Harry Knowles’ house and push him down a flight of stairs, right into his gigantic pile of free review blu-ray boxed sets. Appear out of nowhere and Meathook guys at SXSW Interactive. Maybe show up at the house of a guy who blogs about wrestling and … I don’t know, sit around and watch GLOW DVDs with him. I’M ON YOUR SIDE, BIG GUY.

The only flaw so far is that Curtis Axel doesn’t have a gimmick to match him. Can we make Axel a really successful Redditor or something and do a new Steen/Generico thing with Rybaxel? Have Axel reveal that he’s actually run a really successful ice fishing blog for the past several years and have Ryback get SUPER MAD AT HIM for critiquing his ice fishing behind his back. Something. Worst case, give Axel a shirt that says INTERNET and one of those beanie caps with the propellor on them.


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