The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 1/13/14: Chekhov’s Johnny Fabulous

By: 01.14.14  •  146 Comments

Best: Team Hell No Forever

I’m not sure I could’ve liked five minutes of a Raw more.

Once again, I didn’t understand why the match was happening the way it was. The Usos won? They just straight-up won. Harper and Rowan didn’t really do anything on the outside to keep them from winning, and once again the stories were treading water. But then I realized we were treading water because goddamn Jaws was swimming up from underneath to rip us in half.

Kane and Daniel Bryan are still in cahoots. They always have been, because they are best friends (and possibly lovers) united by the bonds of teamwork and therapy. When Bryan was talking about the “system” that wouldn’t let him win, he was talking about the Wyatts. He was talking about a gang of cultist hillbillies who kept attacking him backstage and hurting him and making his life miserable. He joined them, then immediately began to undermine them. The idea wasn’t success in the WWE, it was the destruction of an obstacle. The problem was that if Bryan wanted to beat Bray Wyatt, he’d have to go through Harper and Rowan first. He’d always have to go through them. They’re always right behind Bray. Think back to when the Authority made a gauntlet match for Bryan and told him that directly. “How about you EARN your shot at Bray?”

Kane, Bryan’s old tag team partner, was savagely beaten by the Wyatts and abducted. We don’t really know what happened to him, but as soon as he came back he took off the mask, gave himself to Stephanie McMahon and positioned himself where the Wyatts wouldn’t (or couldn’t) go. He hasn’t really done anything heelish since joining the Authority, has he? He’s rude to Punk, but Punk’s a dick who doesn’t help Bryan. Kane is the one who executed the plan. He made a cage match with Bryan and Bray as partners against two small fast guys who are obviously pretty good at leaving cages. He made sure the door was shut and locked to keep anybody from getting inside (especially big, lumbering types like himself). Bryan took a fall to make sure Bray was left in the cage with him, knowing that if they lost, Bray would make a spectacle out of it and try to once again publicly punish him. Just like earlier in the night.

The fall happens, the Usos escape, and now Daniel Bryan has earned his one-on-one, uninterrupted fight with Bray Wyatt. What happens? He BEATS THE EVER-LOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM. This is the end of the chapter. Bryan wins. He f*cking wins. He beats the “system” by understanding it, and with help from the one guy he knows has his back no matter what. It’s brilliant and beautiful, and you will find few images greater than that of Daniel Bryan slooooowly instructing the YES chant in the corner, conducting an orchestra before obliterating Bray with his biggest weapon. Masterful.

And speaking of that …

Screen Shot 2014-01-14 at 1.12.18 PM

Best: The Value Of The Announcers Shutting The Hell Up

Thank you for not blabbing about “this ovation” while Daniel Bryan got the biggest, purest and most impassioned ovation WWE’s gotten in a year, announce team. There’s a value in you occasionally shutting up and letting the action speak for itself. This is my biggest problem with TNA. Something happens and before it’s even done happening, Tenay and Taz are thoroughly explaining every aspect of it. Just let me watch the wrestling sometimes, okay? That’s one of the reasons I love live wrestling so much. I get to be alone with it in my brain, even if I’m in a stadium full of people.

Second request: let it be the “Road to WrestleMania” all year long.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night


Maddox should start sending out Barrett to make his announcements for him…

“I’m afraid I have some Brad nyeeeews!”


So, Daniel Bryan experimenting with the Wyatts and coming back to the Universe is exactly like Daniel Desario being into punk rock but coming back to Kim Kelly?


What if tonight’s Bad News Barrett segment is just “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. John Cena Snr died of his injuries en route to a local medical facility. That is all.” *awkward lectern-lift lowering*


“Never any wasted movement with Orton.”
*Orton walks away from Kofi, walks back*


Air Kofi is a terrible airline. And it never has any connections.


Its like they got all the good matches out the way so they can go watch Archer too

Harry Longabaugh

Should have known a double cross was coming when I heard the Reigns of Castamere.


“Triple H sends his regards.” – X-Pac, randomly walking past hitting an X Factor.


I am really starting to think that Seth Rollins is actually the male Rogue as he keeps covering more and more of his skin.


In the McMahon attic, right next to the portrait of Goldust that ages while his body doesn’t, there’s a portrait of the New Age Outlaws that nobody gives a f*ck about.

Thanks, everybody. See you next week.

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