It's Valentine's Day, and nothing says "celebrate the love between two people" quite like pro wrestling.
We proudly present to you the 20 Least Romantic Kisses In WWE History, a list of makeouts, tongue baths and sexual assaults pulled from the last two decades of WWE. Inside you'll find disappointed guys in wheelchairs, rapper guest appearances, spousal abuse, implied rape, OVERTLY implied rape, worm kisses, leprechaun kisses and so many hilarious jokes about how ugly people should never be kissed. All the things you tell people about when they ask you why you love pro wrestling.
Let us know if we missed anything, and share your favorite (and least favorite) WWE kisses in our comments section. Do this instead of spending time with your loved ones.
Maria is in danger of being harassed by her ex-boyfriend Santino. SAVE HER, WRESTLEMANIA 24 GUEST SNOOP DOGG!
Snoop rises from his ringside throne (seriously) where he's been sleeping the entire match (seriously) and throws the weirdest, body-less clothesline on Santino ever before healing Maria and making everything all right with a passionate kiss. The only two hang-ups are that Snoop's been married since like 1997, and Maria looks like a bird.
This one lands all the way back at #20 based almost exclusively on how funny it would be for Snoop to cheat on his wife with a lady-sized bird.
Nobody thinks sawft, baby Randy Orton can beat The Undertaker. To show everybody that they're wrong, he kisses his girlfriend Stacy Keiber, then drops her with an RKO. It's the second most violent thing that ever happened to Stacy, right behind that time Chris Jericho hit a ring post with a steel chair and Stacy fell down unconscious.
Orton couldn't beat the Undertaker, by the way, so really all he did was beat his girlfriend. Romance!
Mae Young has force-kissed pretty much every pro wrestler in existence, so I'm using this moment as a catch-all. In a WWE.com exclusive, Mickie James tries to hook up with Trish Stratus, gets rebuffed, and ends up running into two old ladies with substance abuse problems, no sexual decency and a hand-held mistletoe. They're trolling for kisses, and Mae gets one when Moolah PUSHES MICKIE INTO HER. So they're not only trolling for kisses, they're forcing you to do it. After they're done, Mae asks Mickie to come back to the motel with HER, prompting Mae to confront her about her alcoholism, but I guess ignore the whole part where they're sexually stalking people.
Also I couldn't find a great video of Mickie James kissing Trish Stratus with a bloody nose, so consider this a spiritual placeholder for that as well.
Future WWE and ECW Champion Rob Van Dam once kissed The Million Dollar Man's feet for $100, and "a sexual act for money" is still not as bad as 16 things I could think of during a morning of mild research.
The best part is his "oh hey nice to see you Virgil" before he goes, which turns prostitution into a mark photo opportunity faster than Sunny offering people a chance to take pictures with her in bed for money.
Who will be the WWE's next breakout star? I'm sure it'll be one of these women we've made stand shoulder-to-shoulder and ordered to kiss a little person who doesn't know how to speak English, has been portrayed as a leprechaun and who we've treated as a small child since he debuted.
Him going HAH HAH, HAH HAH and basically being knocked over by the power of his boner is the weirdest thing. NXT ended up being way too much about kissing.
Yes, a mythical monster with a mouth full of living and half-eaten worms forcing himself on a woman is only the 15th least romantic kiss in WWE history. No, I don't know how either.
I think Vince McMahon got around to grossly kissing every Diva. He made out with Candice Michelle like 5 times. They're all varying levels of uncomfortable and unromantic, but his effort with Torrie takes 2nd Worst Vince/Diva kiss for a variety of reasons, including
1. Torrie clearly not being into it and Vince being SUCH a dickslider
2. Torrie being almost naked before they even start
3. Them being interrupted by a mentally handicapped man who has just wandered out of a restroom with an imaginary, unsanitary mop friend
DON'T BE GAY WITH ME, BRO.
In a moment that didn't actually appear on television, Brock Lesnar decided to play "mind games" with Kurt Angle in the style of an Ultimate Bro by kissing him. Angle was upset, but eventually came back with a hug and an unauthorized butt-grab, because two can gay that game!
Retroactively, I like to think Angle's just upset because Lesnar's breath smelled like Jimmy John's.
Here's a list of what it's funny for you to kiss, in order:
5. someone old
4. someone ugly
3. someone fat
2. someone who has "bad breath" (oh man, they LOVE this)
1. someone who is more than one of those things
The women of NXT were asked to kiss a sexually-aggressive leprechaun, but the men got it worse because they had to kiss a lady they WOULDN'T WANT TO KISS ALREADY. GASP. Husky Harris and Percy Watson give it predictable levels of "woof" and Lucky Cannon does one of the greatest things an NXT rookie ever did by just kissing her like a human being, but Michael McGillicutty -- the future Curtis Axel -- wins forever.
Instead of kissing her, he started BRUTALLY LICKING HER FACE. I guess he was hungry and wanted to eat her excess food? Curtis Axel is a f*cking mystery, who knows.
In a moment that still gets referenced in 2014, Randy Orton made Triple H mad by handcuffing him to the ring ropes, beating up his wife and then kissing her while she was unconscious. The meta joke is that Triple H and Stephanie got together in the first place when he drugged her, married her in a Las Vegas drive-through wedding chapel to make her dad mad and then "consummated the marriage" while pointing at his dick a bunch. Turns out she was in on the latter, so it's okay. Not so much on the former, though.
I mean, at least not yet.
You know what's hot? Using too much tongue on a lady you once made strip to her underwear, get on all fours and "bark like a dog" on national television while your comatose wife stares off into the distance in the background. It's okay though, she was faking it. I think? I don't remember, all I can see is that gigantic tongue.
And now, the absurdly non-romantic.
Ron Simmons is a former World Heavyweight Champion, but his job for the last decade or so has been to wear a t-shirt that says DAMN across the front, show up when things get especially weird and say (you guessed it) "damn." Here he says "damn" about one of the most ridiculous scenes you'll ever see -- Mickie James making out with The Great Khali (because he's ugly, which is funny, and because he can't speak English, which is HILARIOUS) while a lady who can't sing well sings and people wave around American flags.
In the purest definition of "not romantic," this is probably a dark horse #1.
This is a placeholder for all the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club segments, but his induction of Regal is the most notable and famous. Poor Bill Regal goes through such a range of emotions while Vince continues to expose newer and newer layers of asshole before it culminates in a chapstick'd kiss. If we were simply including "someone's butt being in another person's face against their will," the 20 least romantic kisses in WWE history would be 5 Kiss My Ass Club inductions and 300 stinkfaces.
Sexual assault works both ways. Here we see Nidia, a character who is hyper-sexed because she is stupid and poor, making out with Michael Cole against his will. This is actually part of a trilogy that continued with Cole being sexually assaulted by Big Vito (an Italian guy who wore a dress, because JOKES) and ended (whether it happened first or not) with Cole being prison-attacked backstage by Heidenreich.
That's WWE's golden rule: if you think somebody's uncool, humiliate them sexually. In WWE, being sexually active makes you a whore, a monster or gay. I don't know either.
Here's a recap of the story:
Zack Ryder was kinda friends with John Cena and had a crush on WWE Diva Eve. Kane wanted to get Cena to "embrace the hate" he gets from WWE fans instead of being all non-chalant about it all the time, so he orchestrated a series of attacks including trying to drag Zack Ryder to a literal, Christian Hell (complete with pillars of exploding fire) and an attempted kidnapping of Eve via ambulance. Cena saves Eve and she kisses him, but OH NO, Zack Ryder saw them. And he was gonna give her VALENTINE'S GIFTS. In, uh, January!
The follow-up was Cena totally throwing Eve under the bus and calling her a whore for kissing him, and Ryder doing nothing important for two years and calling Eve a dumb bitch every few months to refresh the sympathy.
Making the top five based on a legendary lack of style points alone is John Cena's kiss with AJ, where he looked like he was trying to Frankenstein his way through a porterhouse steak. You should've smacked Cena in the back of the head with a blow-up doll and it would've been more romantic. The fact that he looks like he's kissing a child still isn't helping.
Most of AJ's kisses during her "make out with all the top superstars" era were purposeful -- the emotional break with Daniel Bryan, the dependency on CM Punk, the manipulation of Kane and the rubbing-it-in-your-face-iness of Dolph Ziggler -- but Cena just looked like an 8-year old who wasn't into girls yet but did it anyway. The follow-up scene where AJ visits him in the locker room and Cena gets all embarrassed because Justin Gabriel saw him with his girlfriend really brings it full circle.
A running theme in forced WWE kisses is that the woman "likes it rough." Here, we see Test pushing around Torrie Wilson, telling her that she WANTS to be sexually assaulted against her will and she WANTS to eat a pumphandle slam or whatever. Test is a bad guy, at least, so we can look at this as an example of what NOT to do, but the ragged hook is that the line between what Test is doing and what, say, The Boogeyman is doing is very, very thin.
Poor Torrie's entire career trajectory was "make out, get slapped, make out, get slapped," wasn't it?
Rugged heterosexual in too-many kneepads Ahmed Johnson is severely injured and needs medical attention. Enter: Goldust, who gives him mouth-to-mouth because he's gay (basically) and uses his sexual preference as a DEADLY MENTAL WEAPON.
It was a different time in WWE, but regardless, listening to Vince McMahon yell THAT'S THE MOST REVOLTING THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE is still spectacularly uncomfortable. Ahmed's Gay Panic rage and snitch Marc Mero really drive it home. KILL THAT GAY WHO HELPED YOU AGAINST YOUR WILL, AHMED!
(starting at the 1:01:00 mark)
Eric Bischoff has a problem with Shane McMahon. See, Bischoff made WCW incredibly popular in the mid-to-late 1990s. In the early 2000s, Shane McMahon "bought" WCW, integrating it with WWE and turning it into a really big, even less-effective version of the Nexus. To show Shane how much he hates him, Bischoff ... uh, breaks into Shane's mother's house, prevents her from calling security, pins her arms behind her back, calls her a "big breasted beauty" and kisses her against her will. He tells her to show him the bedroom. CAMERA CREW IS JUST STANDING AROUND LIKE EVERYTHING'S FINE.
The worst part? The next week Vince tells Bischoff that what he did is totally cool, because VINCE is the only victim. Thanks, WWE!
Bischoff takes the top 2. Congratulations, creep.
The only thing worse than Bischoff implied-raping Vince McMahon's wife? How about making out with Vince's daughter while dressed as Vince himself? This happened on a Halloween episode of Smackdown, when rivals Bischoff and Stephanie were brought to heated passion by Bischoff's Vince costume. This is seriously a thing that happened. Stephanie MADE OUT WITH THE PERSON SHE HATED MOST BECAUSE HE WAS DRESSED AS THE PERSON WHO TURNS HER ON THE MOST.
If you ever need an example of wrestling being the most concerning f*cking thing in the world, here you go.