Worst: Six-Mic Raw Openings
You should never be overwhelmed by inevitability in the middle of a wrestling promo.
Yet, where we are, doing another one of those Raw opens where more than four guys are feuding so they all wander out one at a time to tell you about it. One guy starts, he gets interrupted by a second, and when the third comes out he’s carrying a big, flashing sign over his head reading THE OTHER THREE ARE BEHIND ME, SETTLE IN FOR A LONG WINTER’S PROMO. Six-mic Raw openings are the worst, especially when the guys don’t really have a beef with one another beyond “we’re all in the same match and want the same thing.” WWE characters aren’t allowed to have a lot of depth anyway, but when you take away the personal issues and have them simply competing they fall the hell apart. They just start naming their signature moves. Last night’s opening promo was something like this:
Cena: SOME A Y’ALL BOO ME SOME A Y’ALL CHEER ME YOU BOUGHT YOUR TICKET YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO FREEDOM OF SPEECH
Cesaro: Shut up! I will Neutralizer you and win the match!
Cena: NOT UNLESS I DO AN ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT AND WIN THE MATCH FIRST
Sheamus: Neither of you will win! I will use the Brogue Kick and win the match! Also, pints!
Randy Orton: I am going to explain to you why I will win at Elimination Chamber, and that reason will be, RKO
Bryan: yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes
Christian: I bet I’m gonna win!
Everybody else: LOOOOL
If Cena wants to do that snarky know-it-all thing he likes to pull sometimes, he should wait until the first guy interrupts him, say “hey production team, there are four other guys back there waiting to interrupt, right, just play the Raw theme and trot them out here.” It’d save us a lot of time. But hey, thank God we got confirmation from the Elimination Chamber participants that they think they’re gonna win the Elimination Chamber.
Best: “Weak Victories” Are The Reason I Love Daniel Bryan
This is probably a difficult thing to explain in a paragraph in the middle of a show report, but the finish is the most important part of a wrestling match. If your finish is great, people are gonna forget most of what led up to it. If your finish sucks, it’s the last thing people are going to remember, and that’s going to take precedent even if the rest of your match was great. Knowing that, what you do in the match should have something to do with the finish. If you spend the entire opening working the arm, the arm should have something to do with how the match ends. If you work the arm for ten minutes and then start doing flipping piledrivers, why the shit did you work the arm? Did you need their left shoulder at 20% to put their head in your crotch and make them backflip?
There’s a wide spectrum there, of course, and that’s why you have to observe each match as its own thing, holding it to no greater standard than basic storytelling logic. That’s a wrestler’s job. Tell a story in the ring. WWE’s barked that at us for decades. They aren’t wrestling, they’re “making movies.” Knowing that, a movie needs to make sense, and the shit they do at the beginning should have SOMETHING to do with how it ends.
That’s what’s so frustrating about a lot of John Cena matches … or Hulk Hogan matches, or Rock matches, or basically matches from any tip-top WWE guy, because they fit a sort of “indestructible” mold to appeal to the widest possible group of people. Cena will bump and sell his ass off for 25 minutes, and the finish of the match is just him popping up out of nowhere, hitting the Attitude Adjustment and winning the match. When he’s done, he’s totally fine. It’s less about him “no selling” and more about how he negates his own spectacular selling, simply finishing the match as the predetermined animation of a John Cena Victory demands, story and logic be damned. It works for a lot of people, but it’s disappointing to me because I’ve started not being able to take most matches like that seriously. The only thing that matters is the final minute. It’s like watching an NBA game.
What I love about Bryan and his big WWE run going on right now is that while he isn’t exactly breaking new grounds in realism, he seems like he’s fighting hard to win matches. They don’t always end with an animation. He doesn’t just pop up from whatever he’s been doing, do his YES taunt in the corner and running knee a guy. He doesn’t just automatically get them in the YES Lock for some reason. The finish usually has something to do with the match that’s just been wrestled, and in an environment where guys are made to resemble WWE 2K14 and not the other way around, it almost feels revolutionary.
The match with Christian was a great example. Christian worked the shoulder for most of the match, knowing that Bryan uses a lot of submission holds and needs a working arm for those. Because of this, when Bryan gets a big burst of offense and goes for the YES Lock, he can’t get it locked in. That allows Christian to capitalize, come back, and almost win the match … he only loses because of a last-ditch desperation rolling clutch pin. There’s no huge WrestleMania 13 thing with Bryan gushing blood from his shoulder and screaming melodramatically, it’s just a guy getting hurt during his job (which is to hurt and be hurt) and reacting to it realistically. At least, as realistically as you’re gonna get.
Some people might think it’s a weak victory for Bryan because he didn’t go over crazy decisively, but that’s ridiculous to me. Christian looked great and was a second away from beating the most popular guy in the company (“a second” or “several minutes” depending on your understanding of the Killswitch), and Bryan got to beat a guy who was portrayed to be on his level. Beating your peers means a lot more than beating nobodies, especially when you’ve had such a grand hand in making sure everyone you wrestle is a somebody.
Worst: Hard Fart Victories
Those sound like the worst kind of victories.
Best: Vince Is Living Out Some Serious Abusive Father vs. Hippie Son Fantasies
1. Kane is jacked. JAKKED, even. Whatever he’s doing is working.
2. The next time somebody asks you why you think Daniel Bryan is great, explain that not only does he wrestle his own feuds, he wrestles CM Punk’s, too. He didn’t just get demoted into a story with Kane … he’s competing for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in the Elimination Chamber and feuding with Kane, and he’s having multiple matches on Raw to accomplish both. Have fun at home browsing Nerdist and reading comics, Punk.
3. I’m not the only person here who seems a raging, early-1960s father being abusive to his hippie son, am I? Kane makes Bryan look child-sized, and between Bryan’s hair and attitude and Kane’s evil A-shirt and slacks the whole thing plays out like a period drama. Kane beats Bryan with his belt but he’s only doing it because HIS daddy did it to HIM, and he doesn’t know how to express emotion! If this storyline ends with Daniel Bryan going to Vietnam in an act of defiance, I quit.
Best: Such Sign. Wow.
If WWE wants to shorten Big E Langston’s name more, they should start calling him Bige. “Wow. So five. Much need.”
Best: Dean Ambrose Just Pulled His Head Out Of A Rhino’s Vagina
Firstly, Dean Ambrose seriously looks like he was just squeezed out of something’s birth canal.
Secondly, I’m gonna believe in The Shield. The break-up everybody’s predicting keeps moving on and on, slower and slower, and it’s actually starting to become a dynamic aspect of their personalities. Now instead of just being a swat team from the crowd, they’re people we know and can identify with … while still totally being a swat team from the crowd. These are guys who can screw with each other and have problems and issues, but ultimately they’re on the same page, and will do what’s right for the good of the group. Roman constantly trolling Ambrose about being the weak link has stopped seeming like a point of contention, and now just seems like a mentally unstable guy being micromanaged by his team’s handsome superprince. Eventually that’ll drive Ambrose insane, but I say keep them together as long as you can before that happens. I want to see them have a go at each other as friends first, because shit, if I was on a team with a guy who held his belt buckle with both hands and made violent sex eyes at everybody I’d secretly hate his guts, too.