Worst: Wrestler’s Girlfriend
I wanted to like the “Emma on NXT” highlight video. I really did. In theory, it’s exactly what they should be doing. In practice, they showed Emma bridging back for the Emma Lock doing her dance, but didn’t actually show her hurting anybody with it. That’s WWE’s problem with women in a nutshell.
Their problem with women in a 50-pound bag of broke-as-balls nuts is last night’s Santino vs. Fandango match, which ended when Emma gave Summer Rae an airplane spin, causing Santino to fall in love with her and try to kiss her. That distracted him so much that he lost the match, prompting JBL to launch into a shouty tirade about how he needs to DUMP HER, RIGHT NOW, ON THE SPOT, ON LIVE TELEVISION. You know, even though they aren’t dating, and Santino’s the one who got all stupid-eyed at her over an airplane spin. Also, should SANTINO be getting pissed off at people because he lost? He always loses.
This is the larger problem: Emma isn’t Emma anymore. She’s not a character. She has no personality or motivations. She is simply WRESTLER’S GIRLFRIEND, the woman who shows up and causes horrible problems in the male wrestler’s life because in WWE, being in a personal relationship with anybody makes you a dumb gay failure. Santino has a documented history of being horrible to women … remember his relationship with Maria? What about his relationship with Beth Phoenix? Or Tamina? Literally all Emma has done since debuting on Raw is move her arms back and forth and throw an airplane spin, but the second a problem arises you’ve got someone screaming about how she deserves to be berated, blamed and humiliated. She’s to blame, because she put Santino into this situation.
On top of that, you want to know why Santino’s had so many on-screen girlfriends? The same reason The Great Khali has made out with so many people on television. If you’re sexually active or in a relationship with a woman, you are a joke. You deserve to be laughed at. WWE hates you for being a virgin nerd in your parents’ basement, but they sure as hell love to cater to you and condition you to be that way forever.
To put it more succinctly:
Also, she’s a fucking wrestler.
Best: You’re Awesome, Mark Henry, But You Should Probably Stay Away From Perfect Form Roman Reigns For A While
Anyway, back to things on the show that make me happy. Here’s Roman Reigns making Mark Henry look like Norv Fernum.
I probably shouldn’t like Mark Henry getting treated like a goober and pinned in two minutes, but Roman shoving him the hell across the ring with his feet and going straight into the Superman Punch Neo-to-shotgun-fist taunt makes me a happy wrestling fan. Roman Reigns could seriously show up on Raw wearing a Robin Thicke Halloween costume with a big inflatable Miley Cyrus on his dick and get into a twerking contest with Henry and I’d probably find a way to love it. As long as he keeps hitting people hard and continues being tough instead of repeatedly saying it over and over, I’ll clap my hands and have confusing feelings and enjoy the wrestling.
Worst: Let’s Ask The WWE Universe What They Think About Roman Reigns
Best: Dean Ambrose, Dickhole
Roman spears Henry and pins him clean, so Dean Ambrose shuffles in and starts attacking for no reason, drawing another amazing “the hell you doing brah” look from Roman. Ambrose being a vulture is so much better than him being the “MAD JESTER OF THE SHIELD” or whatever they’re trying to call him this week. He adds the greatest heel coloring to a team that is increasingly easy to cheer for, and if anything drives a man to madness in 2014 it’s an inferiority complex.
But hey, no time for the team to collapse in on itself because they’ve got CULTIST HILLBILLIES TO CONFRONT.
Best: This Feud Forever
Bray Wyatt interrupts the crew by singing ‘I’ve Got the Joy Joy Joy Joy,’ which could’ve only been better if Erick Rowan had jumped in with “WHERE?” between lines a la Rod and Todd Flanders. If you thought jokes about pro wrestling were in my wheelhouse, wait until you hear how familiar I am with the whitest-ass church songs in human history!
I want to know if Bray has ever shot the artillery, and whether or not that qualifies him to be in The Lord’s Army. I want to know if there is power, power, wonder-working power in the blood of Erick Rowan. Most importantly, I want to know why I just realized all the songs from my childhood are about bleeding and killing folks for Christ.
But yeah, I can’t say enough nice things about this feud, which is amazing because they’re basically just standing near each other and making backhanded “YEAH I will!” threats. It’s amazing how far and to what wondrous places your imagination will take you when guys aren’t being mega-thrown through ambulance roofs or whatever.
Best: Also, Bad News Barrett Forever
I am so mad that WWE Fan Nation hasn’t put up a video of this.
If you missed it, Cody Rhodes is backstage playing with “WWE Stackdown” toys and Goldust shows up to be weird to him about it. This by itself would be great, because Cody explains how all the Rhodes men were born to occupy certain jobs except for Dustin, who spent his childhood mutilating animals because he didn’t understand how animals worked. Then BAD NEWS BARRETT shows up and you think he’s gonna tell them he’s got BAD NEWS about them being grownups who play with toys, or about how they’re in the Elimination Chamber kickoff match while the Usos compete for the tag titles, but NOPE, he just KICKS THEIR TOYS OFF THE TABLE AND BACKS AWAY LAUGHING. LEGEND.
If Raw was just Bad News Barrett interactions, I’d spend the six days between shows watching Raw on loop.