The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 2/17/14: Hard Fart Victories

By: 02.18.14  •  154 Comments

Best: Even Triple H Is Exhausted By This Batista Thing

Triple H screams and threatens firings and sledgehammerings about everything, but even HE can’t handle Hans Moleman Batista showing up, showing ass to everybody and shoving Del Rio without physical provocation. He just goes “enghhhh” and holds out his arms in frustration while Batista walks away. You are too lame for TRIPLE H to worry about, Dave.

Big ups to creative for remembering Batista’s expert stealth listening skills, though.


Best: That Face


Worst: JBL, Instashitter

So Titus O’Neil turned on Darren Young and is trying to get over as a heel. He’s doing a great job of it, too. I’ve been making “make it a win” jokes for years, but ever since NXT Redemption, Titus has shown a decent ability to talk … his promo with Renee wasn’t the most revolutionary thing in the world, but it showed a lot of energy, and wrestling needs more dudes shouting nonsensical shit at the camera. Everyone played it off well, and then the SECOND they come back to to commentary, JBL craps all over it.

His first comment is, “why is he yelling?” Oh, I don’t know JBL, maybe because WRESTLING? Have you ever watched it? More importantly, why is the heel announcer being condescending to the heels? That’s not productive, that’s you shoot trying to make somebody seem stupid. Also, JBL shouts goodnight in his wife’s face, he shouts his prayers, he is the last guy who should be bagging on somebody for shouting. STOP RUINING THINGS, RUINER.

Best: Give Me Luke Harper vs. El Torito, Please

The Wyatts/Los Matadores match was pretty fun, and I’m happy to see Los Matadores back on Raw. They need to be a thing. Also, this match needs to happen specifically:

Luke Harper El Torito

They’re the two best workers in the match, after all. Give them a straight-up, one-on-one match on Raw and I bet it’d tear the house down. How can El Torito do any damage to Harper? How can Harper do anything to a guy that quick and small? You can’t discus lariat a guy who comes up to your kneecaps.

My only problem with the match (besides Huni-cara looking like he was wrestling underwater for some reason) was the announce team not even TRYING to call them “Los Matadores.” Mat-a-dor-es. Not “Matadors.” The Spanish is purposeful, guys. It adds color. You can’t just call them THOSE MATADORS. You talk for a living. Put a small effort into talking.

Best: Old Man Take A Look At My Life I’m A Lot Like You

Maybe I’m still buzzing from Cesaro/Cena, but one of the best parts of Raw for me was Road Dogg getting shook by Jimmy Uso on color commentary. There’s so much to love here, all relying on Road Dogg’s cautious pessimism and Jimmy marking out about how he’s gonna get to pin a guy he watched growing up. It’s infectious.

Highlights include a ‘With My Baby Tonight’ reference (instant win forever), Michael Cole namedropping Rupert Holmes, an argument about Rikishi’s abilities as a father, Road Dogg calling Billy Gunn “Slick Willie” and someone FINALLY asking the New Age Outlaws what it is they’re supposed to know when they call somebody. Even Cole’s laugh seemed legit. I want the Usos to get those tag titles as soon as possible, but if they’re gonna be entertaining like this every week, I’m cool with them stretching it out until Mania.

I am Besting a New Age Outlaws thing. When am I not myself?

Worst Thing Ever: Perfect Bacon Bowl

are you serious

You do not need bacon to be a bowl. You don’t. I know, I know, “lol bacon, bacon is great, I’m a man, I drive a Dodge Stratus, I think eCards are hilarious, I wear bacon pajamas” and all that, but get a damn grip, omnivores. There is no situation where bacon needs to be a bowl. Bacon is supposed to be greasy and lava hot, why are you like OH MAN I WANNA MAKE CUPCAKES, BUT WHEN I HOLD THEM I WANT TO GET THIRD DEGREE BURNS. Yeah I’m gonna eat a bowl of cereal, let me make sure my milk gets as greasy as possible.

Here’s a tip, alpha d00dz, if you want bacon with every meal, make regular bacon and eat it while you eat other things. If your life is enhanced by some sort of asinine KFC bowl structure, you need to turn yourself into foster care or go camping at the public library or something until somebody treats you how to live and act like a functional human.

Here’s an idea: a bacon BUCKET! A mold that lets you make a big bucket out of bacon! You can carry goods and water or whatever in your BACON BUCKET! Better yet, how about I just fill a metal bucket with bacon and beat you to death with it?

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