Worst: I Know You Wanted This Column Written On Time, BUT I’M AFRAID I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS
So, here’s a quick recap of my last two days.
I flew from sunny Austin to surprisingly sunny Pennsylvania on Friday to be at National Pro Wrestling Day, an incredibly little get-together of friends and masked types that involved a time-traveling DeLorean, the rebirth of CHIKARA and at least one instance of me eating a gigantic vegan cinnamon bun at a wrestling show. It was killer. Everything was going surprisingly well until Monday, when I woke up to a bunch of snow and the announcement that my flight home had been canceled. Long story short, I walked through my front door at around 1 on Tuesday, nearly 22 hours later than expected. So that … that sorta crushes your morale and ruins your ability to expeditiously write the wrestling jokes.
That was followed by me trying to watch the show on Hulu, which left out a lot of it and began with a CLEARLY not-rehearsed Xavier Woods introduction. Second long story short, I apologize if this week’s column runs or reads a little shorter than usual, or if its funniness is replaced by pictures of me with my head on a desk. I will return to my normal spouty outrage next Tuesday.
Actual Worst: Jerry Lawler
I also would’ve accepted:
Bad News Barrett: “YOU SPENT THE ENTIRE SUPER BOWL EATING JUNK FOOD AND GIVING YOURSELF HEART DISEASE, HAW HAW HAW”
Lawler: “Hey Bad News Barrett! …. I’ll think about it!”
Is Jerry Lawler, the guy we watched literally die of heart failure on Raw, sticking up for the crowd’s right to remain immobile and kill themselves with food? Shouldn’t this guy be advocating jumping jacks and vitamin water by now? I know pro wrestling sorta caters to the Sonic and Popeye’s crowd, but damn, maybe have Barrett rag on Broncos fans or people who have tricked themselves into loving watching commercials or something.
Anyway, “hopefully you won’t be here next week” is an opinion, Jere-Bear, not “news.” The only way that’s news is in the WWE App definition, where “Smackdown airs tonight” is considered “breaking news.”
Worst: Mom And Dad Join Facebook
One of the reasons I liked Daniel Bryan joining the Wyatt Family only to immediately turn on them and pay off an angle people expected to run for months was because I’m so used to how they usually tell stories. Take, for example, the Authority’s opinion of Randy Orton. How long have they been telling this exact same story without changing or evolving it? The Authority wants Randy Orton to be the face of the WWE. They tell him he has to do it on his own. He does it, but with help from the Authority. Then they immediately start telling him they don’t believe in him and he has to do it on his own. So he gets put in a bad situation and either wins or wins with help from the Authority … and they IMMEDIATELY START TELLING HIM THEY DON’T BELIEVE IN HIM AND HE HAS TO DO IT ON HIS OWN.
Here they are in f*cking February doing another top-of-the-stage argument about how Orton needs too much help (help they repeatedly give him whether he asks for it or not, but only after promising him they won’t) and must do some ridiculous task they’ll eventually help him with to prove that he’s the fake champion they put in place falsely. WHAT IS GOING ON. If the idea is that they’re all heels in on it together and they’re just trying to put on airs that they aren’t, fine, we’ve done that. We’ve told that story. We get it. If the idea is that Orton needs this constant, stupid motivation to remain the “face of the WWE,” why are we still doing it? Either The Authority legitimately doesn’t think he’s worth all this effort and stops doing it, or they get behind somebody else. As it stands, it’s just line-walking where they want to be super villains, but they also want to be the popular hand in charge of the flagship show. I don’t get it.
It’s not even a matter of me liking it or disliking it, even, I just have no f*cking clue what the purpose of all of this is. And Triple H leading YES chants, facetious or not, have rendered YES chants uncool. Even the crowd didn’t seem to want to do them afterwards. Thanks a lot, Dad, you embarrassed me in front of my friends.
Best: Dean Ambrose, The Shitty Friend Who You Like But Wish Would Stop Sleeping On Your Couch
First of all, the back of Rey Mysterio’s head looks like a testicle in a jock strap.
Second of all, the opening six-man tag between The Shield and Big E Langston/Kofi Kingston/Rey Mysterioston was enjoyable, mostly because of how much effort they’re putting into making Roman Reigns look like Kratos. Dude just gets into the ring and screams and jumps around and murders you, and you can make him bleed but he barely cares because SUPERMAN PUNCHES.
Third of all, Dean Ambrose tagging himself in and taking the pin on Big E Langston (and thereby taking away some of Roman’s Handsome Prince glory) was GREAT. Classic and effective. I continue to love how the Shield reacts to situations like real people, where they can get mad at one another to the point of throwing blows, but understand that they are nigh-unstoppable as a unit and do their jobs well enough that they should probably shut up and team together like normal. They’ve been “about to break up” for how long now? It still feels like it’s coming soon, but stalling the breakup adds more and more color to these guys’ singles characters, and gives us more time to soak in these six-man tags that we’ll desperately miss when they’re gone.
(More on the Shield being Raw’s only regular dudes a little later on.)
(seriously though, Mysterio’s head looks like one of Bill Eadie’s ass cheeks)