That gentleman up there is Blake Bortles, the former quarterback of the UCF Fightin’ War Knights, MVP of the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl, potential No. 1 overall pick at the NFL Draft in May and my favorite person in the whole world (Category: Athletes who are younger than me). Standing in the way of Bortles’s status as the first player selected is, well, a lot. The Houston Texans could always trade down, select Johnny Manziel or Teddy Bridgewater instead if they think that Bortles is the lesser of the so-called Top 3 QBs this year, or they could make what some believe is the safe pick and take Jadeveon Clowney to give JJ Watt a frightening counterpart. But a lot of experts, analysts and all-around prognosticators believe that Bortles is the sure thing at QB because of his size, talent and mindset.
Bortles also had a strong combine showing, as he participated in the throwing drills to fulfill his childhood dream, unlike Manziel and Bridgewater, who didn’t bother showing off their arms for whatever reasons. The UCF product has basically been an open book for the NFL scouts, and that has left very little to pick apart, so that’s why everyone seems to be talking about that other thing – his smoking hot girlfriend, Lindsey Duke.
On a recent edition of The Dan Patrick Show, Bortles admitted that some of the questioning he has faced about Duke has been a little more “awkward” than he would have liked. However, the specific question seems to be something like, “Will Lindsey be there if we go out for dinner?” which is a far cry from something truly awkward like, “Can I suck yo lady’s toes?” or whether or not she has nude photos out there floating around. Regardless, there’s a time and a place, and much more specifically a way to ask a potential draft pick about his lady friend, and I’d like to offer some pointers here.
Here’s an example of a good question: “How long have you been with your girlfriend?”
The benefits of this question go far beyond establishing whether or not he’s a Grade A poon hound. The length of a guy’s personal relationship can tell us a lot about his level of commitment, and whether or not he’s always looking for something bigger and better.
Now, here’s an example of a bad question: “Have you ever welcomed another man into your lovemaking?”
This is the kind of question that will make a potential franchise QB tell his agent to relay back to your team that he’s not going to sign his contract if you select him. Because you’re a fucking pervert.
Here’s another example of a good question: “How supportive was your girlfriend with your decision to leave college a year early?”
The answer given to this question can help establish whether or not the athlete is an independent man in his decision-making or if his codependency could actually interfere with the choices he makes regarding his future team.
Here’s another example of a bad question: “Does your girlfriend have a hot sister or is her mother perhaps young-looking and willing to let me stick cash in her panties?”
Scouts and front office personnel are expected to ask questions about an athlete’s immediate family, because we’ve seen too many stories about bad seeds that hurt the image and behavior of otherwise quality guys. A scout should not, however, try to use an athlete’s significant other and her family as his own Adult Friend Finder.
A good question: “Are you and your girlfriend looking to settle down and/or start a family anytime soon?”
An athlete looking to start a family right away would indicate a guy who is looking to remain in one city for a long time. That’s important to the idea of a franchise QB. For example, if Philip Rivers ever wanted out of San Diego, he’d have to separate his 137 children from their friends and classmates.
A bad question: “What kind of birth control does your girlfriend use? You wrap it or what?”
Again, this is offensive and far too personal, and an athlete could be put off by a scout’s insistence to know if “she’d cause any trouble for other interested parties who might accidentally hit on her at the bar of the team’s charity gala, when you’re conveniently on the road. Maybe she’s worried about groupies and needs a shoulder after she’s had only two white wines but feels like it’s 10.” Not cool, team executives.
Yet another good question: “Would your girlfriend be interested in serving as an ambassador for the team in both philanthropic and community outreach capacities?”
Chances are the answer will be yes, and the earlier you help establish an athlete’s and his partner’s image in the community, the more likely fans will take to them and increase the pressure to stay when that first contract is up.
Yet another bad question: “My son’s 16th birthday is next week. You think your girl would wanna swing by and let his friends spray her down with Super Soakers while 2 Chainz raps?”
Despite the fact that most quarterbacks marry former Hooters waitresses, they’d all like to move on to more appropriate and mature endeavors than the one described here.
Here’s a really important question that delves into the personal aspect of a guy’s mental conditioning without seeming too nosey: “Have you and your girlfriend ever had a fight before, and how has that affected the way you’ve approached game preparation?”
I wouldn’t expect an honest answer from such a question, but great judges of character should be able to see through the clichéd answers and get a better idea of how such a question affects an athlete.
Here’s a really awful question that should never be asked: “You and your girl ever take the noon train to Bonetown on game day? Do you let old white dudes watch?”
A lot of athletes prefer to have intercourse before games because science supports the idea that sexual exertion promotes energy and a clear mind. But that’s a private thing, and nobody wants a guy who could be their dad’s oldest friend watching.
In addition to questions, body language can say a lot about a person in intimate professional interviews. If you’re a team official trying to establish a solid relationship with an athlete like Bortles, dress appropriately, offer a firm handshake, keep eye contact the entire time, and don’t forget to smile. An athlete should also act in a similar manner. This is, after all, a job interview.
However, there are some mannerisms and facial cues that a person should not make during an interview, especially regarding a significant other, including:
In conclusion, please stop being mean to Blake Bortles, because he’s going to be the best NFL QB of all-time. You can BORT on it*.
*Awesome saying pending trademark, as soon as I learn how to trademark things.