Worst: Next Week On NXT, The Rookies Compete To See Who Can Have The Most Fun In The Bounce House
Pre-Full Sail NXT has already had its fair share of asinine challenges — two weeks ago there was a keg carry, followed by a promo challenge where guys had 30 seconds to talk about flowers and gum — but week 9 brings us the worst yet: Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Rookies.
Yes, that’s a horrible name, and yes, it’s just the Joust from American Gladiators. Too bad Magnus wasn’t an NXT rookie, I guess?
The challenge was set up tournament style, with pairs of rookies being asked to walk up the ramp to a giant air mattress, stand on big versions of those little plastic things that keep cheese from sticking to the top of pizza boxes, and hit each other in the face with enormous Q-tips. The pedestals are super wobbly, though, so most of the bouts last about five seconds, with even a stiff breeze causing guys like Wade Barrett to go WHOOPS fly off. Some of the fights don’t even do THAT … Michael Tarver immediately throws down his stick and Daniel Bryan has to poke him off between Jim Halpert faces to the camera.
The announcers are all like ONLY 80 WEEKS UNTIL THE FIRST ELIMINATION, but WWE had absolutely stopped giving a shit by this point and would start arbitrarily eliminating guys a couple of weeks later. Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Rookies should’ve ended with all 8 rookies being eliminated and us moving the hell on to season 2, where Alex Riley kisses fat ladies and everything’s magic.
Next week can we make everyone play Assault?
Best: Everybody Wanting To Kill Each Other Over An American Gladiators Event
Serious question, they couldn’t have done this when Mike Adamle was the general manager?
The interesting thing about a challenge this stupid is how weirdly heated it gets. When Tarver sorta eliminates himself, he tries to start something physical with Bryan that doesn’t look like part of the show, and the ref has to step in to keep Bryan from (I’m assuming) knee-running him to death. Barrett squares off against Skip Sheffield and loses his balance, so he kinda jumps off at Skip and shoulderblocks him. Skip no-sells it, so Wade hurls his pugil stick at the back of Skip’s head. I suppose maybe they all got together before the show started and said, “let’s try to make this a little more like pro wrestling,” but the result is an awkward undercurrent to an already super awkward waste of time.
Worst: Matt Hardy’s Inner Monologue
“AWRIGHT MATT HORDY YOR ROOKIE, CHUSTIN GABRULL, S’GOT A MATCH AGAINST DAVIN OTUNGA. Y’ALL GOTTA CLAP FOR’M OKAY, HELP’M WIN. YEUP. OTUNGA BIG AN STRONG BUT CHUSTIN’S GOT GRATE WORKRATE, NOT AS GOOD A WORKRATE AS MATT HORDY BUT STILL, PURDY GOOD WORKRATE. WONNER WHAT MY BROTHER JEFF’S DOIN. CAINT WAIT TO GET HOME AND SEE THE NEW ALUMIMUMMY OR WHATEVER. LISSEN TO PEROX-WHY-GEN TAPES. EAT SOME GRAPES.
SIGH I’M TARD OF DUB-DUB-E. WONNER IF I COULD GET A JORB WORKIN’ INNERPENDINT SHOWS AN MEBBE FINE A WIFE WHO’LL LET ME SHOCK HER WITH TASERS AN HUNT GHOSTS WITH HANGUNS IN OUR HOME.
HEART’S STARTIN T’BEAT TOO FAST NEED T’LIE DOWN. WHARS GRAPES.”
“Wait, is that an invisible little boy in the ring?”
Best: That Stick-Fighting Thing
The second match on the show is supposed to be Skip Sheffield vs. Michael Tarver in The Battle Of Who Could Care Less, but CM Punk and the Straight Edge Society interject to add Darren Young and make it a triple threat. This advances the plot from last week (Young “proved” himself to Punk and had his sins forgiven by pinning Luke Gallows, who is now crazy jealous) and allows Punk to backhandedly dump on the show by mentioning how Young’s made it to the finals of the “stick-fighting thing.”
I miss when Punk not caring was a cool part of the show, and not a thing happening in real life.