The Best And Worst of Impact Wrestling 3/13/14: No, I Mean The One In The Old West

By: 03.14.14

Worst: Samoa Joe vs. Abyss

It’s a throwaway match to set up the appearance of Eric Young to…beat up the thing his best friend turned back into because he forced it out of him and this is basically all his fault, but rather than help him get treatment he wants to…punch him…because…um…

Best: New girl in town

Hey, it’s Santana Garrett! She gets an introductory video package, and a new name that I will consistently have to google to make sure I get the spelling of Brittany correct. She’s not my favourite, and she’s still in full-on Shine mode, but I also have this headcanon that she’s the daughter of Amber O’Neal and Larry Zbysko, trying to keep up the family business of apartment wrestling, so…fun!

Worst: The breakup of Lei’D Tapa and Gail Kim

Recently my store got a new district manager. Our old district manager was serious business and fairly intimidating, but also really kooky and talked like a Muppet and was a genuinely nice lady. Our new district manager is also new to the company, so she’s doing that awful thing people in business do to prove themselves; coming in guns a blazing, determined to change everything, breaking down old systems that were months or years in development, with really no regard for anyone or anything. There are a certain amount of growing pains to be expected during a management shuffle, but it’s brutal, and everyone either hates her, is afraid of her, or both. Everyone is stressed out, and it’s changed the entire tone in not just our store, but everyone who is stuck under her shiny new iron fist.

That’s kind of what Impact feels like right now. They’re ignoring canonically established personalities, plot points, allegiances, no matter how long they’ve existed. Factions and friendships are being smashed to bits left and right, and what was a mostly entertaining show with random acts of Gunner is back to being confused, miserable, disjointed, and as negative as it can possibly be. …yay.

Best: #TeamDixieForever

Except you, remaining Blokemen. Well…kind of. I don’t much enjoy angry backstage group beatdowns (or Bobby Roode as ersatz Kurt Angle at this point), but it’s really going to take something drastic for me to not enjoy Spud egging on the BroMans and EC3, while DJ Zema makes a triumphant airhorn noise over Bully Ray’s supine figure. So basically what I’m saying is THEY ARE PRECIOUS AND PERFECT AND YOU LEAVE THEM ALONE DO YOU HEAR ME

Best: Sanada/Tigre Uno vs. The BroMans and that air horn noise

As of right now, Sanada’s character is JAPANESE HONOUR, and Tigre Uno’s character is HE’S A KITTY (hee!), but I dug this match. The BroMans are decked out in my favourite colour for “St. Pattycakes Day,” Uno has TINY KITTY EARS, and he and Sanada actually look like a cohesive unit. Yeah. Yeah this isn’t so bad.

I just wish they had been around for/won tag title shots during Feast or Famine so they could be called team Neko Case.

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