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The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling 3/27/14: I Choo-Choo-Choose You

By 03.28.14

Worst: :(

Not even Sad Dad’s dozen replays of getting smashed in the head with a beer bottle are enough to make me feel okay after that. Even if it’s good, how can I tell people they should be tuning in each week after that? How is disgusting sexist recidivism a selling point? “So uhh, I discovered that we can travel back in time to 2009 when I went back to the dark ages to get my attitude towards women. Hahaha, they’re the worst, amirite?”

Feasibly, through the magic of the internet, I could have just taken a break and moved on and started writing again once I felt better (which I will do in a moment), but incident after incident of this same kind of repulsive display really gets to you after a while, especially when you watch as much wrestling as I do and it’s so prevalent on every level. This doesn’t just go away once the show is over. This doesn’t mean that it doesn’t perpetuate the stereotype that wrestling fans are subhuman socially awkward basement dwellers who are one very teeny tiny evolutionary step above CHUDs. These are the awful things people remember that taint the idea and the reputation of Impact Wrestling.

Wrestling fans are literally taught from their youth to believe what you put in front of them. Within this very show we’re supposed to believe that Bully Ray, Heel of Note, is now a good guy to be cheered. That that guy really went through a table A REAL TABLE OUCHIES. It is the nature of wrestling to ingrain that suspension of disbelief to propagate a story. If you tell people to cheer for a dude who was going to murder someone’s wife, they’ll do it. If you tell people to boo someone who’s just doing their job and making salient points about their business decisions, they’ll do it. If you tell people to believe that, I dunno, Booker T, is one of the greatest champions of any generation and is a wrestling genius, they’ll believe it. If you tell people that women are garbage, they’ll treat women like garbage. This isn’t brain surgery. Just be better. Be better for your brand, for the product you make money from. Be better for the reputation of the people in your employ who don’t deserve stigma TNA heaps on them with segments like that. Most of all, just be better because it’s the f-cking right thing to do.

Best: I took a break and ate some hummus and watched all five Hunt For Willow videos and now everything’s a little better

I’m putting the remaining one here, even though it closed out the show, because he’s a Carter and the world needs him, and these are magical.

Best, for real this time: Son of Sad Dad vs. I Hate Your Sad Dad Go Die

I…really can’t explain why I enjoyed this so much. Maybe it hit that sweet spot between “well, it wasn’t that other awful thing they did, so it’s not so bad” and “hahahaha he hates you and your family and that rules.” Seriously, I had fun watching this even though it wasn’t great? And I just want a weekly Impact 365 video where the action never stops, and that action is James Storm calling Gunner’s relatives during the course of their day to say mean things and then playing his entrance music?

“Uhh, hi, is this Uncle Jim? Nice job mowing the lawn, I wish you would have fallen and cut your leg off [JAMES STORM THEME SONG].”

“Hey Aunt Mable, nice job getting the milk out of the fridge, it should have fallen on you and crushed your internal organs [JAMES STORM THEME SONG].”

“Hey Third-Cousin Twice Removed Sheldon, this is James Storm of television’s Impact Wrestling on Spike TV every Thursday night at 9pm, and I just wanna know why aren’t you dead yet JOHNNY CASH LISSSSSTENINNNNNNNG”


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