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The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling: Heathcliff, It's Me, Jeff Hardy

By / 03.21.14

Best: Sanada and Tigre Uno are still a team

Can we officially start calling them Team PURRRo now?

Worst: Basically everything else

It’s a match. It happened. It was preceded by even further awkward racially motivated heel bullsh*t that, at this point, is about as half-hearted as Abyss’s victory cries. It’s the week Bad Influence got crazy racist for no reason all over again. Sometimes I feel like when a heel team gets too well-liked, it sets off an alarm in the TNA writing room, and the only way you can shut it off is by writing a racist promo.

If a heel is truly good at their job, they don’t need to make Mexican food jokes, they can get booed on their own merits. It’s a lazy copout. The other danger of making someone too real-life despicable is that people don’t want to buy the merchandise of bigoted scumbags, and if they do, this is not the audience you should be catering to. You interfere with your profit, and you look like royal douchebags. Saying “don’t be garbage humans” isn’t a thing that people who work for Impact seem to understand, but “people who are good at their job will make you money” is a thing they really, really need to catch on to.

Best? Worst? Huh?: Mike Knox, Carny

what is even the point of this

Worst: Why wasn’t Willow in that chair?

OOOOOOO YOU’VE FOUND ME BULLY RAY YOU’VE SPUN ME AROUND IN THIS CHAIR LIKE THE WHEELS OF PROGRESS SPIN FURTHER YES EVEN FURTHER INTO THE BLEAK SILK-LINED COFFIN OF OBLIVION MAN HAS CREATED FOR HIMSELF AND ALSO CAN YOU HELP ME FIGURE OUT HOW TO CONNECT LINE ONE TO LINE TWO IT IS AS IMPOSSIBLE TO FIGURE OUT AS THE DEEPEST MYSTERIES OF THE INTANGIBLE FAIRY UNIVERSE EEEEAHAHA KRIXITEE KREEEEEEE

Worst: Every time Abyss says Joe

I think he means Joe Park and my heart gets all sad.

Best: MVP because nothing in this show makes sense

I’m gonna give a best to MVP (ahhhh no who am I) for doing what an actual leader would do: stepping up to fill in for a teammate when there’s no one else who will do it. That is the nice thing I will say about MVP in the spirit of positive thinking and also because I couldn’t think of a nice thing to say about Davey Richards as promised.

Best, despite what actually happened: Magnus vs. Samoa Joe

I am going to give this a best, IN SPITE of the actual match being the drizzling sh*ts, IN SPITE of the shenanigans outside of the ring, and IN SPITE of the ref bump. Aside from Magnus retaining (so EC3 can rip that belt off of his smarmy waist and put it on his own smarmy waist that I happen to like better), there are two things we need to celebrate here:

1) Production has finally found an angle that makes Magnus’s elbow drop look good, which at this point is as momentous as splitting the atom, and

2) Samoa Joe getting caught in the face with a flying steel chair made me ugly laugh so hard I almost hurt a muscle in my throat.

Tune in next week when Robbie E discovers ganguro, Jessie pisses on a Korean flag because they’re all basically the same, amirite, and Willow learns Microsoft Word woodoolee wheeeeeeeeeee!


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TOPICS#IMPACT WRESTLING#PRO WRESTLING
TAGSABYSSamerican wolvesangelina loveBEST AND WORST OF IMPACTdavey richardsEC3eddie edwardsERIC YOUNGETHAN CARTER IIIGAIL KIMGUNNERJAMES STORMJEFF HARDYJESSIE GODDERZLEI'D TAPAmadison rayneMAGNUSMIKE TENAYmiz dadMVProbbiesad dadSAMOA JOEsanadaTAZZthe best and worst of impactThe Best and Worst of TNA Impactthe bromanstigre unoTNA IMPACTTNA PRO WRESTLINGVELVET SKYwillowZEMA ION

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