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The Best And Worst Of Smackdown 3/28/14: Triple H And Batista Are Smirking Each Other Off Again

By 03.29.14

Worst: Vickie Wants To F–k JBL

Uh, so, The Bellas and AJ/Tamina had a tag match, which was mostly notable for Nikki Bella’s hideously garish yellow highlighter colored gear. Are Nikki’s breasts getting bigger by the week? They certainly appear to be. Does John Cena dust off his shoulder and fist drop of new syringe of silicone into those things every night before bed?

Anyways, the real story was Vickie and JBL revealing they totally want to bang on commentary. There was flirting, there was innuendo about JBL “wanting to work in Vickie’s office”. It was pretty uncomfortable, but it turns out the mental image of JBL pumping away in Vickie’s “office” was only the genital shrivelling appetizer…


Worst: Meanwhile At Chez Green Beans

Noooo. Nooonononono…last week Santino made reference to a date he went on with Emma on, I dunno, Main Event or something, and I was so, so, so relieved that I missed it. But now, here they are again, back at another “fancy restaurant” (aka a futon pushed into some random corner backstage). Are they showing the first date again just to screw with me? Are they going on another date? This s–t is unacceptable.

Sigh, so, a waiter approaches with two plates, each containing a miniature haystack of green beans and what appears to be a large colorless chunk of pure gristle. Emma makes a comment about Santino being the “ultimate friend with benefits” and Santino’s all, “My-a wiener, she’s-a al dente!” but it turns out Emma doesn’t understand what friends with benefits means! She thinks the benefit being referred to in friends with benefits is access to mounds of green beans, because she’s very stupid. Hohoho! Ahhhh…what the f–k is going on here?

Listen, last week’s Santemma segment (Santemma sounds like a medical term for a bladder infection, so I’m hoping it sticks) was nauseating, but if you’re going to do this, Santino has to be the naive one. It’s gross either way, but Santino making boner faces when he thinks he’s tricked a mildly retarded woman into becoming his sex friend is super extra gross.

So yeah, up until now this segment has been pretty icky, but now it gets downright bizarre. Santino looks into Emma’s eyes, and for some reason this causes him to become nauseated, so Emma gives him some wine to calm him down and he spits it in her face then starts vomiting. At least Santino only spewed wine on Emma instead spewing, uh, spew, because you know that’s what HE’S GONNA PUKE McMahon originally wanted.

What kind of sick f–king sociopath writes this stuff?

“Santino looks deep into Emma’s beautiful eyes. For the first time in a long time he feels the stirrings of true love deep in his heart. This causes him to vomit.”

Hmmm, this whole “love/lust = vomit” thing really shines a stark new light on Titus O’Neil barfing on Michael Cole a while back.

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