Earlier today, Vince over at FilmDrunk shared the trailer for Brett Ratner’s Hercules, a movie advertised as an epic retelling of the legend of Hercules that plays more like the boss fights for God Of War. There’s little-to-no “legend” to be found … it’s just Dwayne Johnson squaring off against a series of increasingly giant, increasingly worse CGI animals.
If you missed that, here’s the trailer again:
Just tons and tons of animal fights. Sounds pretty great, right? Do you understand the words that are comin’ outta my mouth? Never touch a Greek man’s radio!
Anyway, we write a lot about pro wrestling on this branch of UPROXX and we especially like to have some fun at the expense of The Rock, a guy who took time away from being one of the very biggest movie stars in the world to ruin three consecutive WrestleManias.
Because of this, I thought we’d analyze each of the trailer’s presented THE ROCK VS. BOSS CHARACTER fights as though they were upcoming WrestleMania main events, and how each would go down. Bear with me, here, I don’t have a lot to write about today. Wait a minute, bear? DOES THE ROCK FIGHT A BEAR IN THIS MOVIE?
The Rock vs. A Bad CGI Cerberus
It’s the original dog from hell! It’s also a really easy jump from this to The Shield, and we know how that fight ends:
So yes, my official prediction is “Hercules loses to the Cerberus in the film Hercules, about Hercules beating everything.”
The Rock vs. A Bad CGI Hydra
It’d be just as easy to make a Randy Orton joke here, but I’m not going in that direction. Instead, this is the “Rock comes back from retirement and works on how he looks way more than how well he can move” fight. It’ll start off exciting, but Hercules will quickly gas up, causing the Hydra to wrap itself around him and hold him on the ground in a bearhug for several minutes until he can catch his breath.
Aside from that, I fear for any creature that fights the Rock and looks this much like a bunch of penises.
The Rock vs. A Bad CGI Lion
Chris Jericho, maybe? More importantly, Jesus, how many bad CGI animals does the Rock FIGHT in this movie? We’re like 30 seconds into a 90 second trailer.
Anyway, this is the fight where The Rock triumphs, but he forgets that the human body should be able to move beyond gym reps and accidentally tears off all of his abdominal muscles at once, causing the lower half of his body to be an aluminum shell casing for free-falling organs. This would kill a normal dude, but The Rock’s body stopped operating under the rules of life and death YEARS ago, and his movable living corpse can allow ultimate body catastrophes from time to time. Cat-tastrophes, if you will.
I’m also predicting the Rock will lose this fight, and that the fact that he’s wearing a cat helmet during the rest of the trailer is unrelated.
The Rock vs. A Bad CGI Warthog
Okay, calling bullshit on this one. The Rock runs up a tree as it is being destroyed, then jumps backwards (and to the side?) while not only holding a club, but swinging it as to crush the head of a giant, oncoming Bebop monster. This guy can’t even do a Sharpshooter without looking like he’s gonna spill his guts out of his asshole.
Still though, I accept that this is MOVIE MAGIC in the same way that Van Helsing could have Frankenstein swing downward out of a tower window and end up higher than he started. Accepting that, there is no way a pig beats The Rock. There’s no way a pig gets TO THE FIGHT with The Rock without having his feelings hurt too badly for him to continue. One ill-placed KUNG PAO PORK BITCH and some oinking noises and this guy’s lying motionless, and Rock can just slowly drag his monster body up to it and club it to death.
Is that it? Does The Rock not fight a bad CGI bird in this? No way Rock gets out of this movie without fighting a bird.
More updates as the trailer expands. Things to look for in the next Hercules trailer:
- 3-8 more bad CGI animals
– one of those scenes where The Rock has ancient sex with a lady in a canopy bed so we know he ain’t gay
– someone screaming NOOOOOOOO
– hairy underwear (continued)