Best: CM Punk Is Dead And Paul Heyman Is The Best In The World
I have two things to declare.
The first is that I was wrong about CM Punk. The day after the Royal Rumble when news broke that he’d “quit the company,” I was sure it was part of the show. 100% sure. Part of that is the skepticism and pessimism I talked about on the previous page. Some combination of conditioning and The Internet have made me unable to accept any “real” wrestling news as legit. WWE commands media sources now. They plant news stories. They’re also big on “reality” angles, and Punk’s the king of those. Another part of it is me really wanting the guy to not be a dickface and be a great part of the show again. I thought maybe he’d come back as a corporate guy, or run out at WrestleMania to bail out his old buddy Daniel Bryan. I thought he’d resurface at the pre-Mania Chicago Raw, but the deadline was the Raw after WrestleMania. If he didn’t show up then, I said, I’ll accept that it was real.
So, uh, I guess it was real. I am very happy that this column is “what Brandon thinks about wrestling” and not “Brandon is defensive about being right about wrestling.” I am wrong almost 100% of the time, and I’m sad to say I was wrong here. I guess Punk’s just a shoot butthole.
I say that because it loosely (cough) relates to my second declaration: Paul Heyman’s 9+ minute promo from last night’s Raw is the best promo in the history of the show. WWE Fan Nation gloriously and thankfully reproduced it on YouTube in its full version, and I urge you to watch it, then watch it again.
Paul Heyman is a MONSTER on the microphone. Remember when he started doing a fake 1980s screamo promo about volcanos and it was the best thing ever? This was the constructive, sincere version of that. Heyman put over Brock Lesnar in the most epic fashion imaginable with lines like, “Hey let’s get one thing straight, Brock Lesnar is not here to put smiles on peoples’ faces, Brock Lesnar is here to shock the WWE Universe and put tears in the eyes of children.” Are you KIDDING ME? Wrestling Shakespeare couldn’t have come up with something better. I’m going to assume there was a Wrestling Shakespeare. He wrote No Holds Bard.
He also managed to throw shade at the three people I hate the most on Raw:
1. The announce team (“John Bradshaw Layfield and those and those two other things that call themselves announcers”)
2. Hulk Hogan (“Superdome, Hogan, not Silverdome”)
3. The unwashed portion of the WWE Universe (“Are you saying ‘what’ to me? I forgot who you are so i’ll say it slowly for you, Brooooooock Leeeeeesnarrrrrr isssssss theeeeeeee onnnnneeee innnnnn twentyyyyyyy oneeeee aaaaaaaand oooooone!”)
It’s a stunning promo that makes Lesnar seem like the most legit beast con carne to ever step foot in a wrestling ring, puts the severity of the Undertaker’s loss into perfect pro wrestling context and cements Heyman as the coolest and most obnoxious person on the face of the Earth. Listen to those pluralizations. Even I want to punch that guy in the face, and I love him.
Worst: Let’s Ask The WWE Universe What They Thought Of Paul Heyman’s Promo
Sorry, let’s try that again.
Best: What A Bunch Of A-Holes
WWE has learned from its mistakes. Remember when they sent Randy Orton and Sheamus out to have a 15-minute match in front of a post-Mania crowd and it died a horrible death, but they’re Guy 1 and Guy 2 from the pre-Full Sail WWE developmental system so they just went through the motions anyway? This year, WWE knew they couldn’t send Orton or Batista out in front of these jokers so they gave them a short, violent appearance that got them over as vicious pieces of shit and absorbed all the Y2J and JBL and CM PUNK chants in three minute burst. Perfect.
I normally hate when two major singles stars team up and are suddenly crazy dominant over the company’s best tag teams, but I like Orton and Batista kinda realizing that nobody in the world likes them, so they might as well throw in together and try to get along. They’re perfect for one another. When they were face to face before the table spot at Mania I thought for sure they were gonna start making out, and WrestleMania 30 was going to go off the air with two living penises rawdogging each other.
Putting my foot down on this one. I refuse to acknowledge or support Adam Rose with this bastardized entrance theme.
If you’re a regular reader of the Best and Worst of NXT column (and you should be), you’re already familiar with this drama. On the March 5 episode, the former Leo Kruger was repackaged as Adam Rose, a Get Him To The Greek character with the GREATEST ENTRANCE THEME IN THE WORLD. It instantly made him a viral sensation. We hopped around our houses singing it like a soccer chant, doing that dumb little reverse crotch chop and yelling WOOOO. We were ready to make him our new God.
A couple of weeks later on the March 20 episode Rose had his second match … with a new theme. A “soundalike.” Supposedly WWE couldn’t get the rights to the original song and dubbed over Rose’s entrance with their own version. It is HORRIBLE. The live crowd was chanting the original song because that’s the one they heard.
Adam Rose is being brought up to the main roster with this abomination of a theme. Do not support it. Raise a fist in support of ‘World Goes Wild’ and keep it in the air.
Best: Support Bo All You Want, Though
I think they’re doing my “switch NXT and Raw” idea.