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Your Official With Leather WrestleMania 30 Predictions: Laissez Les Daniel Bryan Rouler

By 04.04.14

WrestleMania XXX poster

Did you know WrestleMania 30 is on Sunday? I BET YOU DIDN’T.

We’ve hyped it about as much as we can. It’s the 30th WrestleMania. Hulk Hogan’s gonna be there. The Ultimate Warrior’s gonna be there. Daniel Bryan might walk out of the Superdome with the WWE Championship. Everything important in the wrestling year happens NOW, and if I wasn’t typing this from New Orleans already I’d be tearing out my hair to get there.

Here is your official, final-as-it’s-gonna-be WrestleMania 30 card:

- Pre-show match for the WWE Tag Team Championships: The Usos (c) vs. The Real Americans vs. Curtis Axel and Ryback vs. Los Matadores

1. Daniel Bryan vs. Triple H, with the winner being added to the WWE World Heavyweight Championship match later in the show.

2. The Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal (announced participants: Alberto Del Rio, Big E, Big Show, Brad Maddox, Brodus Clay, Christian, Cody Rhodes, Damien Sandow, Darren Young, Dolph Ziggler, Fandango, Drew McIntyre, Goldust, The Great Khali, Heath Slater, Jinder Mahal, Justin Gabriel, Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry, The Miz, Rey Mysterio, Sheamus, R-Truth, Santino Marella, Sin Cara, Titus O’Neil, and Zack Ryder.)

3. The Vickie Guerrero Divas Championship Invitational, aka AJ Lee (c) vs. Aksana, Alicia Fox, Brie Bella, Cameron, Emma, Eva Marie, Layla, Naomi, Natalya, Nikki Bella, Rosa Mendes, Summer Rae and Tamina Snuka.

4. The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

5. John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt

6. The Shield vs. Kane and the New Age Outlaws

7. WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match: Randy Orton (c) vs. Batista vs. TBD

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And now, your official With Leather WrestleMania 30 predictions. LEGALLY BINDING.

20140331_Fatal4Way_PreShow_LIGHT_HP

Pre-show match for the WWE Tag Team Championships: The Usos (c) vs. The Real Americans vs. Curtis Axel and Ryback vs. Los Matadores

What Should Happen: Cesaro does one of three things:

1. Giant swings El Torito for 100 rotations (or at least a count of 100)

2. Giant swings both of Los Matadores at the same time

3. Waits until there’s a big pile of guys on the outside, then giant swings El Torito out of the ring onto them.

Long story short, “what should happen” is “Cesaro swings things and is awesome.”

What Will Happen: The Usos retain. If you’re going to shuffle the tag team championship match onto the pre-show and fill it with a bunch of teams who don’t deserve to be there (Los Matadores, Rybaxel) instead of the teams who’ve excelled and feuded over the belts for months (The Rhodes Brothers, the New Age Outlaws), a strong Usos defense is a necessity. Just let them go balls out early-on, maybe throw in a crazy high spot we don’t see from them all the time, and keep everyone safe and happy.

“What Should Happen” in its most accurate definition is “the tag titles match should be moved to the main show, the Divas invitational should get moved to the pre-jazz and Goldust should be winning a title belt at WrestleMania.” But maybe that’s just me.

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1. Daniel Bryan vs. Triple H, with the winner being added to the WWE World Heavyweight Championship match later in the show.

What Should Happen: An overconfident Triple H pauses as the match begins to give Stephanie McMahon a kiss. When he turns around, Daniel Bryan hits him with a running knee and pins him in 18 seconds. Bryan gets into the main event without taking a bunch of dino damage, the most disappointing match in WrestleMania history is avenged and we can truly move on with our lives.

What Will Happen: Not that, probably.

Triple H losing seems like such a foregone conclusion that I think something’s up. I know Bryan’s going to make it to the WWE World Heavyweight Championship match at the end of the night, but I think they’re gonna mess with us a little first. My outside-the-box prediction is that Triple H wins the match through nefarious means early in the show, giving the crowd a reason to be absolutely rabid when someone rights the wrong, puts Bryan into the match anyway (making it a fatal four way) and sets him up for true, definitive glory.

Or, you know, the nihilistic thing happens and Triple H just beats everybody.

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2. The Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal

What Should Happen: Brad Maddox all day every day.

Alternate plan: the unannounced entrants are Wade Barrett, Ryback and Michael Tarver. The Nexus reforms in the battle royal, helps Daniel Bryan beat Triple H and then we end Mania 30 with NXT season 1 standing tall.

Brad Maddox is probably a more believable prediction.

What Will Happen: Big Show wins, I guess. That seems like the obvious choice. Honestly Show, Rey Mysterio and Alberto Del Rio are the only characters they’ve built up to have a chance in the battle royal, so unless one of the surprise guests is showing up to take it, it’s gotta be Show. How do you have the first ever “honor the giant” battle royal at WrestleMania and not give it to your giant? It’s the first one. And he was Andre’s kayfabe son for like a month!

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3. The Vickie Guerrero Divas Championship Invitational

What Should Happen: It’s the WE HATE WHAT YOUR BOYFRIEND DID match! Frankly I’d like to see AJ just trounce everybody and retain, but now seems like as good a chance as any to transition the belt to a Total Divas cast member. AJ isn’t doing anything with the title and we’ve been sorta waiting for the other foot to drop for a year, so let’s go ahead and pull the trigger. Naomi and Natalya are decent enough choices.

What Will Happen: Cameron and Eva Marie are not. I have very little faith in the presentation of Divas matches at WrestleMania, so let’s say … Brie Bella pulls it out. That’s the comfortable midpoint between “they probably deserve it” and “this lady wrestles like a kitten trying to get out of a cardboard box.”


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TOPICS#WWE
TAGSpredictionsPRO WRESTLINGWrestlemaniaWRESTLEMANIA XXX

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