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The Best And Worst of Impact Wrestling 4/10/14: Something’s Rotten In The State Of Dixieland

By 04.12.14

Worst: Just like a Magnus

Just like a woman, huh? Oh, Magnus. I said such nice things about you. I understood that you turned your back on Dixie, but why’s it gotta be like that, huh? Must you, too, be tainted by the weekly required allotment of gross, misogynistic statement? Et tu, Brute?

Worst: NOPE


Best: Willow you magnificent idiot

What you don’t see is Willow telling Spud and EC3 to “BE THERE, OR BE TRIANGULAR,” because Willow is absolute sh*tballs insane, and the entirety of next week’s show should be devoted to these three.

Best, I guess: Magnus vs. EY

I’ve been trying to figure out just what my feelings are on this match, so I’ve asked myself some questions:

– Despite Magnus being a sexist jerkstore to Dixie, am I sad that he lost the title, because that one comment aside I’m kinda swoony for him being smarmy and over the top, just like the only other time he’s been good (Ring Ka King, where he was smarmy and over the top)?

– Am I happy for Eric Young, since he seems like a really nice guy, and that belt probably means a lot to him, and in reality probably has nothing to do with whatever is happening in an entirely different company?

– Am I p. sure that he’s going to lost the belt at Sacrifice?

– Am I totally weirded out by the fact that EY’s nipples are the same colour as the rest of his chest and they kinda look like skin tags?

– Do I want EY to lost the title cleanly to Magnus so that he can feud with, then lose it, to Ethan Carter III because aside from Joseph Park coming back to be Joseph Park for realsies that’s really all I want?

– Am I still thinking about Trent Barreta?

Yeah. Of course I am. And the answer to all of the other questions is, definitely, yes.

I think it’s sh*tty that he’s not billed from Canada, and the USA chant against two dudes from the Commonwealth is silly. I wish Eric Young didn’t flop around like a fish so much, unless it’s some weird subliminal advertising for his show on Animal Planet (but even then). I don’t much care for the circumstances, and I think it’s kinda sad that Eric Young didn’t even get time to celebrate in the ring, let alone confetti or streamers or any fun championship ephemera. His nipple thing is so weird.

At the end of it all, I’m just kind of exhausted by making so many frowny faces at this episode. I originally started out this report way more negative that I wanted to be, and it makes me sad that there was this wonderful streak of good shows that I could look forward to watching and writing about, and now it’s back to being that thing I dread. It’s a joke. I want to get angry or frustrated over dumb stuff, like not enough videos of Rockstar Spud, or fun, kayfabe stuff. Not angry because the show makes me feel bad inside every time I watch it. Wordsworth said that nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, but good ‘ol Willie didn’t have a weekly opportunity to right his wrongs, learn from his mistakes, and give me an EC3 title run.

I’d probably like his poetry a lot more if he did, though.

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