The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling 4/17/14: Lions And Tigers and Bros, Oh My!

By: 04.18.14

Worst: Crotchmandar, I choose you!

When choosing what to wear in the ring, make sure that nothing placed near your junk looks like eyes from a distance. No one wants to look like they skullf*cked a Pokemon and wore it’s corpse to wrestle in. And if they do, fire them and call the police.

Best: Sorry about your damn t-shirt

Speaking of design flaws, let’s take a moment to appreciate that James Storm’s newest shirt, while much simpler than the usual “UFC shirt mated with a Gregorian text then nine months later a Gunner shirt was born” aesthetic, only says SORRY on the front of it in the most boring font possible. This causes him to walk around like the most apologetic sad sack since…wait, Kurt Angle came back earlier tonight, right? Yeah. Since that.

Worst: That damn numbers game

Gunner and Bobby Roode had a table match that is a thing that definitely happened and involved tables, and James Storm ran out to interfere because he just can’t abide Bobby Roode not shoot murdering Gunner with a jagged hunk of table. This brought out Bully Ray to assist the incapacitated Gunner, because he’s the best at tables and (hopefully) thinks Bobby Roode’s big boy wrestling panties look dumb. Roode and Storm scramble to get out of the ring and run to the back, because they are cowardly heels who are sorry but also not sorry about not being sorry (if shirt canon serves me correctly), but it brings back around the problem that kept cropping up during the Aces & Eights (and fives and sevens and twos).

Gunner is totally out of it, unable to fight back. Bully Ray is a big dude, but also just one. Singular. A Guy. Why are they running from him when they outnumber him? Is it that people really don’t want to be around Bully Ray? Have we finally cracked the code of the numbers game? Did someone finally realize that a dude who sits on a motorcycle in the parking lot but doesn’t ride it, forces all of his friends to wear matching clothes, is abusive to all of his significant others, wants to kill babies with fire, and spends all of his spare time and money on strippers is maybe a guy that you don’t want to be anywhere near?

Worst: Monster’s Bore, a Less Than Spec-Tack-ular Match

At this point, TNA has been around for ten years. The Monster’s Ball match is something synonymous with TNA, specifically Abyss. Initially, the idea behind the match was that participants would be sequestered for 24 hours with no interaction, no food, water, or light. Kinda like hanging out with Willow, I assume. Over the years bits and pieces of it have been given up, the stipulations less stringent or removed completely, everything watered down until it’s just a televised hardcore match. Abyss pulls out the same spots – Janice, tacks, trashcans, what have you, and it’s really not worth watching. Ultimately, that’s the metaphor for Impact, right? The same guy whose been there forever doing the same thing over and over until it’s just a shell of when it was new and fresh and entertaining.

It’s a surprisingly exciting time to be a wrestling fan. There’s a seeming changing of the guard in WWE, Chikara is coming back, there are more and more avenues to watch independent wrestling, Okada exists…there’s no shortage of fun, good wrestling. And then there’s Impact.

I love (love) EC3 and Spud, obviously, and the X-Division has two guys turning out as good of matches as they can with clipped wings, but then…Kurt Angle’s back. MVP. Bobby Lashley. The Beautiful People. The more everything around them tries to progress and move forward, the more they have buck the trend and go back in time. It’s not original. It’s not progressive. It’s certainly not benefitting anyone but me and my dumb Kurt Angle jokes.

It’s also really frustrating to remain objective. I’ve been watching Impact for far longer than what could be considered healthy, and with the same recycled matches and pairings, you fall into having the same opinion over and over each week. There are only so many ways I can say Gunner sucks. Samoa Joe just doesn’t care. Tenay and Tazz are horrible and should be replaced forever. Sitting and pretending that these are two people I’ve never seen before, trying to disconnect from everything that came before doesn’t even work. It’s stale, and anything new that comes in like a breath of fresh air is quickly shuffled off, or has the plug pulled on it because whomever is in charge is so desperately afraid of change, and of joining us here in 2014 with our scary future phones and twitters and television you can pause and rewind.

Come on, guys. The future’s pretty fun. There’s a whole program that will let you put different Willow filters on pictures of your dinner, and also good goddamn wrestling. Join us, won’t you?

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