Worst: Better Than Batista
Back at NXT Our Rival, Emma dropped Paige with a sweet powerbomb and the crowd chanted “Better Than Batista.” It was cute. Batista had recently returned from seven years of MMA training and turning his face into a Chinese baby’s and was terrible, so fun was had. Sadly that quickly turned into a chant for ANYBODY throwing a powerbomb on NXT, and the chant became inaccurate and lost me.
Here, the crowd is chanting “Better Than Batista” for the existence of Mason Ryan, a guy who reminds folks of Batista enough to keep his wrestling job for six years, but isn’t good enough to ever DO anything with it. Real talk, Full Sail: Mason Ryan is not better than Batista. Not even 2014, super gassed, spearing-you-with-the-side-of-his-head Batista. Ripping up his skinny jeans because his body’s too big for Lana clothes Batista. If Batista is garbage, Mason Ryan is that scummy trashcan you’ve never remembered to clean that is lined with brown water and wadded up receipts.
Chant accurately, that’s all I’m saying. If you’d done a LIKE BA-TISTA/EX-CEPT YOUNG-ER dueling chant I wouldn’t be complaining.
Worst: The Genesis Of McKiddicutty
What the hell was Tyson Kidd’s post-match promo? Was he trying to force down a burp? Here’s a quick transcription:
I LIKE NXT. IT IS MY FRIEND. I LIKE IT, AND YOU. YOU LIKES ME. AND I LIKE YOU. NXT LIKES YOU. I AAHHHHHHHHH. I’D LIKE HIS AUTOGRAPH. IT IS A NICE PICTURE. HE. IS. NIIIIIICE.
Maybe you wouldn’t have to reinvent yourself if you’d done something more compelling on WWE television in the last five years than “put a banana in my wife’s ass, then dress up like a sexy burglar.”
Best: Actual Pro Wrestler Tyler Breeze
I continue to love Tyler Breeze as a serious pro wrestler who beats the mess out of these extraneous NXT guys with authority. A tiny guy squashing people is an under-appreciated trope in wrestling history. Taz got 20 years in the business out of it. If Tyler Breeze starts head-and-arm suplexing people I might lose my sugar.
Worst: ANGELO DAWKINS WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Lucky Cannon showed up earlier in the show, and now here’s Showtime Percy Watson. I couldn’t have picked a better time to revisit NXT season 2.
Best and Worst of NXT correspondent David D. has more, via a heated Google chat conversation this morning:
I think Angelo Dawkins is the entire worst thing I’ve ever seen. He’s basically what Cory Graves is trying to do with his emo/hipster thing but instead of emo/hipster he’s “backpacker black guy.” I’ve never hated a character so quickly in my life. Wearing a f*cking Allen Iverson sleeve. I wanted to slap him.
It’s like he walked to the ring with “backpacker gimmick” in mind, go to the apron, panicked and his brain just said “black stuff” and he started moonwalking across the apron, then he realized he can’t moonwalk so he did the backwards version of Jamie Foxx impersonating OJ Simpson’s trial walk. I have so much hatred in my heart for him.
My favorite thing about Angelo Dawkins is how it gave Alex Riley another opportunity to be shifty about black people. Remember when he wouldn’t stop saying Alicia Fox reminded him of an Olympic athlete, specifically Jackie Joyner-Kersee, the black one he could name? And then he looked up “charisma” in the dictionary, saw a picture of Eddie Murphy, ALSO saw a picture of Xavier Woods and then said Murphy and Woods could be cousins? The NXT announce team starts explaining that Angelo Dawkins is good at other sports besides wrestling, and Riley jumps in by declaring Dawkins “NXT’s Bo Jackson!”
I guess I’m happy Alex Riley didn’t yell “IT’S MVP!” and start attacking him.
Let’s just repackage Dawkins as Kerwin White between now and next Thursday and pretend this never happened.
Best: Trios Action In Our Main Event
Sorry, I can’t stop talking like a Chikara guy when I’m writing up a six-man tag. This wasn’t a Shield/Wyatts barnburner or anything, but I liked a lot of it, including:
1. The Usos and The Ascension being (mostly) treated like equals. One team is the WWE Tag Team Champions. The other is the NXT Tag Team Champions. Paige has firmly established that the NXT and WWE titles are comparable in their prestige and prerequisite skill levels, so keeping the champs comparable in their performance is a great decision.
2. Sami Zayn wrestling anybody, and doing so without stopping to hold his head and make glassy eyes every five seconds.
3. Corey Graves taking the loss. If you’re the Ascension, why the hell are you teaming with Corey Graves to begin with? The worst offense the Ascension’s taken in like six months previous to this match was a dropkick from a guy with a lifetime zero-wins record. Now they’ve added Graves to the squad and they’re losing so badly the other team gets to dance about it. They should’ve had a backstage segment where JBL tells Corey Graves to start listening to speed metal, and the Ascension just rolling their eyes and making wanking motions in the background. Do a followup where Graves is like LOOK GUYS I GOT THE EYE OF HORUS TATTOOED ON MY HEART.
Still better than Angelo Dawkins.
I want more like this!
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