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The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 4/28/14: I Am Damien Sandow, Master Of Magnet

By / 04.29.14

Worst: Xavier Woods Getting Destroyed For The 50th Consecutive Time, Then Screaming Like A Tough Guy When His Friend Bails Him Out

speaking of incessant Xavier Woods content

Yeah, so Alexander Rusev makes quick work of Woods and prepares to lock him in the Bored Accolade. Before he can do that, R-Truth blunders into the ring and starts kicking at Rusev. Using a 2-on-1 advantage, Woods and Truth drive Rusev out of the ring, knocking him down for “the first time in his life” according to JBL, NXT General Manager Who Did Not See Rusev/Ziggler. Or Rusev/Big Cass. Anyway, Lana instructs Rusev to fight another day, and suddenly Woods starts yelling CAHH MAHH RUSEV, CAHH MAHHH~!

Two babyfaces who have lost 100% fairly to this guy on multiple occasions get themselves disqualified to prevent another submission loss, attack him 2-on-1 and then taunt him when he doesn’t keep trying to fight them. Which people am I supposed to cheer for again? Oh, right, Truth and Woods because they’re from AMERICA.


Aw, look how sad they are. Lana deserves some kind of Nobel Prize for walking backwards up the ramp in heels and that outfit. I was gonna make a joke about how weird it is to watch them walk backwards in sync, but yeah, there’s a chance Woods and Truth would just rush out of the ring and attack them from behind. WWE good guys, everybody.

Worst: Rob Van Dam Doesn’t Remember Bill Alfonso And Renee Young Is Cosplaying As MVP And Mark Henry’s Tag Team

Two points:

1. I will never, ever knock Renee Young’s physical appearance, but this is all I could think of looking at her outfit …

2. Zeb Colter offers his services to Rob Van Dam, noting that they have a common enemy, and Van Dam turns him down. His reason? He doesn’t need a slimy manager to help him, he’s just going to do what he’s always done: be Rob Van Dam. Thumb pointies. I guess Van Dam is not remembering how the only truly relevant time in his professional wrestling career was orchestrated and accompanied by referee Bill Alfonso, arguably the slimiest manager in history.

I guess I should not be surprised that Van Dam doesn’t remember things.

Best: The Topes Win A Game!

Nothing makes me quite as happy after a match decision than ♫ WE’RE A THREE MAN BAAAAAAAAAND ♫ suddenly kicking in. 3MB victories are a genuine (and always welcomed) surprise, partially thanks to Heath Slater’s rotating selection of finishing maneuvers. You never know which one he’s gonna break out. It’s not like he uses ANY of them enough for us to get used to them, but dude’s had an implant DDT, a reverse DDT, a jumping reverse STO, a snapmare driver, a jumping neckbreaker, the Overdrive, a corkscrew splash … hell, Heath Slater could bust out a pedigree on Raw and I wouldn’t be surprised.

Now I really want to see Heath Slater pedigreeing Los Matadores. Can we put somebody else in 3MB and let Slater at least get Sandow’s role of “hopeless, but not totally hopeless?” Actually, can we elevate all three members of the team and just have 3MB be Corey Graves with a box of wigs, playing everybody like that convict dog that got stuck in the warden dog’s TV?

Worst: WeeLC

This is one of those ideas where you go “hahaha that would be AWESOME,” but then you don’t actually do it. I’ve felt weird about the line between loving the Torito/Hornswoggle beef and stomaching the very obvious “look at these little freaks” intention of it, but Wee-LC might be too far.

Although hey, if Bad News Barrett shows up and kicks them out of the ring because he thinks they’re Stackdown toys, I might be back in.

Worst: Brie Bella Doing Yes Chants Makes Me Not Want To Do Yes Chants

Brie Bella’s official name is now My Wife. Not even “My Wife” Brie Bella, just MY WIFE. She’s wearing Daniel Bryan’s merch, adding Daniel Bryan designs to her gear, becoming the focus of Daniel Bryan’s stories, delivering some of Daniel Bryan’s dialogue and doing Daniel Bryan’s taunts. I’d call it questionable, but he married a lady who has spent her life being one half of Sexy Marketable Twins, so I guess “having a singular identity” isn’t high on her list of priorities.

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