Worst: More Stories About Helpless Wives In Peril And Mean Bitches
shut it down, everybody.
Last week’s Raw opening was incredible. Daniel Bryan was in a genuinely emotional state, Stephanie McMahon was at her diabolical worst and Kane was eschewing years of ridiculous character perversions to show up as a deadly giant monster and tombstone piledriver Bryan to death on everything he could find. It was visceral and intense, and set a great tone for their championship match at Extreme Rules.
This week? Not so much.
Bryan and Kane did as well as they could in their roles, but oh man, their roles were bad. Bryan went from the people’s hero to John Cena stuck in a horror movie, striking people with wrenches and never being sure if he’s supposed to sell the neck brace or not. Kane went from a believable, powerful monster to a guy who comes up through a hole in the ring and tries to drag you to literal Christian Hell with MOOD LIGHTING. Brie Bella went from someone who is supposed to be a top WWE Diva to a woman the announce team constantly questions (“Why is SHE getting a Divas Championship match??”), unable to defend herself and stricken with deadly fear even though she’s been working with this scary dude for years and should know what’s up.
So many questions. Why didn’t Brie pick up the wrench and start swinging it herself? What exactly was Kane trying to do to her, anyway? Couldn’t Bryan just wait for Kane to drag her under the ring, then go under the ring and pull her out? There wasn’t a pillar of fire bursting out of it like that time he tried to abduct Eve Torres. Why did they tease Kane’s mask being “locked away” under a glass box they’ve established can just be lifted up, only for him to “unlock” it or whatever and put it back on? Does Kane put the mask back into safe keeping when he’s done being a monster? Is he Corporate Kane six days a week? How did the cameraman get that same panning shot of the mask box three times, but not get footage of Kane taking it?
But hey, at least the Daniel Bryan/Kane championship match involves Brie Bella calling Stephanie McMahon a bitch. Dramatic pause and everything. All the buys.
Best: Strumming My Pain With His Fingers, Singing My Life With His Words
And now, a guy who just gets me.
I applaud WWE for making Brandon Stroud a wrestling character and having Wade Barrett play him. Bad News Barrett’s rundown of Rob Van Dam is exactly the kind of thing I’d type in this report, and I may or may not have an Arrested Development-style surrogate situation happening. I did notice myself turning my elbow pad inside out for no reason yesterday.
I also like Barrett saying he was in diapers the last time Van Dam was relevant. Is Bad News Barrett supposed to be a badass 18-year old?
Worst: A Limp End To A Great Tournament
The match itself wasn’t great, as Rob Van Dam matches tend to be. He just takes offense until it’s time for the other guy to lie down and take his. That would’ve been bad enough on its own — notice the absence of “this is awesome” chants this week — but the match and the tournament had to end with interference from two concurrently feuding guys. All right.
Van Dam’s doing well, but gets interrupted by the appearance of Cesaro. Jack Swagger, the only obvious heel in this entire thing, runs down to pull Cesaro off the apron and save Van Dam? But whoops, he gets trounced and Cesaro interferes anyway, at least enough for Van Dam to take too long on a frog splash and get caught with knees. One Dog Boner later and we’re spared the atrocity of a Big E/Rob Van Dam match. After the match, everybody fights everybody, and … man, I don’t know.
I’m sad that the tournament had to end in a TNA main event, but we’ll always have Barrett/Sheamus. Let’s put Barrett over Big E at Extreme Rules and run Cesaro and Sheamus at him, okay? Don’t just let him hold the belt from atop his motorized News Podium and forget it’s supposed to involve wrestling matches.
Worst: Let’s Ask The WWE Universe What They Thought About The Tournament Finals
Pro tip: do not be these people.
Worst: Grandpa’s Visiting And He Thinks We’re His Old War Buddies
“Looks better than ever!” – JBL
I love you, Ric Flair, but it may be time for you to assume the Stu Hart role of sitting in the front row and waving politely. “Hey Triple H, I know you! You like ribeyes! The Shield’s great! Oh man Dave remember when you stuck those broads, you were gassed for a week, wooo.”