The Best and Worst of Impact Wrestling 5/22/14: Not All Eric Youngs

By: 05.23.14  •  31 Comments

Worst: Eric Young, you might just be THE worst

Eric Young comes out to show that he’s not afraid of MVP. In fact, he’s not even really sure who Kenny King is. You know, Kenny King. The guy who’s worked there for the last two years, has worked for the company before back in 2006, had a widely reported controversial entrance to Impact because of a handshake deal with ROH, has had multiple number-one contenderships for the X-Division title, wrestled on pay-per-views, feuded with Rob Van Dam (whom he’s surely heard of), and is a former X-Division champion?

The only thing Eric Young is out here to do is shame, it seems, because he then says the only thing he knows is what Kenny King does in Las Vegas, and that makes him a scumbag. But Bobby Lashley knows better. Bobby Lashley was in the military, and has wrestled before, and fought MMA (because no one is ever a scumbag in MMA), and what is Lashley going to tell his son when he wants to know why daddy’s a sellout?

I am…so confused by all of this. Eric Young is using these lofty platitudes of morality to cut this babyfaced promo and point out the evils of this stable’s actions. But it’s just words. It’s the vague notion that Kenny King performing in his underwear on stage is somehow different from performing in your underwear in a ring. It’s Bobby Lashley, who has had some semblance of success in WWE but has never been a top guy (nor has Kenny King) seeing an opportunity to take a top spot to help take care of said family. And who the f-ck is Eric Young? The guy who wrestles on TV, but also has multiple television shows elsewhere, yet is still the plucky underdog? How are we supposed to accept that after this ill-conceived conversation?

Worst: Angelina Love vs. Brittany

1) Is anyone getting the impression that this could all be solved by having Stiffler work a different match on the card?
2) Why’d they cut the segment where Eric Young called Brittany a scumbag for doing customs? “Girl, you know dudes jerk off to those, right? You wanna wrestle on television? Pft. Sellout.”
3) For real, f-ck you Eric Young.

Hey guys, it’s Brandon!

Worst: Heel Factions And The Allegiance-Changers That Justify Them

“I guess we probably should’ve expected that!”

So, if you haven’t watched the rest of the show, MVP has a heel faction. To show how heely and factionish they are, they beat up everybody all night.

The problem with this is … ugh, tenfold? Something fold. There’s so much wrong with it, and after 20 years of heel factions forming and running amuck on wrestling shows, nobody’s figured it out. The idea behind a wrestling show is that it should be entertaining, right? So you form these big bad guy teams and have them disrupt the status quo, causing viewers to get mad and, in theory, hate them. Want to see them get their comeuppance. Then they do, and things go back to normal, at least until the next heel faction forms.

This is how it’s gone since like, 1996. The problem is that watching heel groups beat up faces all night, sometimes every week for months, isn’t fun or engaging. Wrestling always takes way too long to get from step 1 to step 2 in their storytelling, probably because they’re afraid they don’t have enough quality steps, so you get stuck seeing the same shit on loop. When that’s guys ignoring the rules and established guidelines of your fictional sports-entertainment universe, it’s like you aren’t even watching the show.

The story is always, always that the good guys and bad guys of the wrestling universe have to BAND TOGETHER to defeat the outside threat. My problem is this: if you work for a company that has lived through as many heel faction invasions as TNA, why aren’t you banding together on day one? Why didn’t THIS EPISODE end with every single person coming out and mauling MVP’s team? Sure, he’s the director of wrestling operations or whatever, but he’s not Vince McMahon. He doesn’t own the company. Just brutally beat him and skip the billion time-consuming steps inbetween. What’s the worst that’s gonna happen, he’s gonna fire you? ALL of you? Even if that happens, doesn’t that save you months and months of being assaulted and treated unfairly at your job?

On top of that, heel factions cause established wrestlers to “change” to fit the story. Look at a guy like Austin Aries. How many times has this guy switched sides to fit a heel invasion story? How many times has he turned face and turned heel and back again? Why should we care what side he’s on if he’s on everybody’s side? Why not make that his character? TNA loves “shades of gray,” but forgets that simply doing the noble and evil thing simultaneously is not a “shade.” It’s bad characterization, and a waste of the viewer’s time. It’s eating your cake and having it too. Shitting AND getting off the pot. Shitting all over the floor, I guess.

Anyway. I could write 20,000 more words about this but I need to get to my “Dixie Carter’s entrance theme sounds like something from Chrono Cross” joke.

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