The Best And Worst Of Smackdown 5/16/14: Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls

By: 05.17.14


Best: The Party Bus of the Damned

So, Byron Saxton tries to interview Adam Rose and of course Rose’s entourage is partying up a storm, and by partying up a storm I mean sort of bopping up and down in a desultory manner around the door of a tour bus sitting in an empty parking lot without any music. I like the idea of the Exotic Express being a vessel of the damned that compels its cursed inhabitants to party all day, every day — sure, sometimes they’re feeling it and break out the Hungry Hungry Hippos, but most of the time they’re just half-heartedly baby dancing while staring vacantly into space. Is Party Cat actually sitting on a little throne in the back of the bus?

Also, I couldn’t identify the new brunette lady in Adam Rose’s posse, but I’d be pretty okay with her showing up again.

Worst: Did Somebody Lose The Footage Of the Main Event?

What is happening here? Smackdown has its comfortable set patterns. Usually there’re five or six matches, with the second hour consisting of a big(ish) mid-show match, endless Raw recaps, a quick throwaway match, then the main event. Somehow though this episode stumbled and took a header into a black hole of pointlessness.

First up we had Santino vs. Damien Sandow, which Sandow lost in under a minute before cutting a sarcastic dissatisfied guy promo. Ew. Come on Sandow, a smart guy like you should know not to play with The Miz’s cast-off gimmicks.

Then we had an R-Truth match. Sigh. You erased it didn’t you, WWE? You had the main event on your PVR and a new episode of Wheel of Fortune taped and auto-deleted it. You have to curate that shit guys.

Worst: John Cena’s Face Cloth

What’s with John Cena holding up a Never Give Up face cloth before all his matches now? Or maybe it’s a washrag? I’d ask Titus, but I think he’s still selling the Brogue Kick. I hope Cena’s line of household goods continues to expand — he could come out wearing the Cenation duvet cover as a cape. Or tossing “You Can’t Smell Me” potpourri.

So yeah, this was an impressively thorough demolishment of Bray Wyatt. At first The Wyatts were just going to jump Cena en masse, but then the Usos ran out and Bray found himself strategically outmaneuvered by crazy dancin’ Samoans. Failure #1. So then instead of just telling John Cena’s manipulative ass to go screw, Bray plays along and picks Rowan as his representative. As I mentioned at the top, it would have been dumb of Bray to choose himself, but why pick Rowan when Luke Harper is standing right there? Failure #2. Rowan is, of course, soundly drubbed by Cena. Failure #3. Bray then tries to rush the ring, but is immediately cowed when the Usos stand in his way, providing fodder for Cena’s trumped up “Bray’s a nutless coward” charges. Failure #4.

Is the Cena/Wyatts match at Money in the Bank just going to be Cena giving Bray a 20-minute noogie? A Bray’s underwear on a pole match? Time to call it a day eater-of-worlds, you’ve bitten off more than you can chew.

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