The Best And Worst Of Smackdown 5/30/14: Gluten-Free Millennials

By: 05.31.14

Best: Xavier Woods Turned into JTG so Gradually, I Didn’t Even Notice

I love Bo’s wet t-shirt. The guy’s like a chubby kid at the beach. Dude, dump the baby oil on your head, then put on your souvenir shirt. Ask big brother for help — he’s got the greasy hair, dry shirt conundrum figured out.

Anyways, this was the same basic Bo match from last week, but it was better because it didn’t involve Sin Cara. This may have been the longest, most competitive match Xavier Woods has had on the main roster, which is kind of a sad statement considering it was a three-minute semi-squash, but there it is. Also, apparently Xavier Woods has been expelled from R-Truth’s dance crew and has stolen JTG’s “black dude with no patience for your shit” gimmick instead. Or maybe JTG just grew out his hair and, uh, wait, this joke is heading into “all black people look the same” territory, isn’t it? Moving on.

Worst: Shudder

Hornswoggle/Torito III at Payback is a hair vs. mask match, so to promote this Torito had a pair of giant hedge clippers with him tonight, which he wildly and recklessly ran around with while making cutting motions. Brrrrrr. I guess my mom beat the whole BE CAREFUL WITH SCISSORS thing into my head a little too hard as a kid, because nothing makes me cringe harder than people f-cking around with scissors. Someone starts opening and closing scissors near me and all I can think of is blood, sheared flesh and severed appendages.

When Torito was running around with the shears I imagined him tripping and plunging both blades into his eye sockets. I imagined Heath Slater grabbing for them getting the tender flesh between his fingers sliced. I won’t go into detail, but there was a scenario where Jinder Mahal ended up castrated. I DON’T KNOW, I’M SICK OKAY?

Just…just be careful with scissors guys. No, really — BE CAREFUL WITH SCISSORS.

Best: The Epic Middle of Smackdown Champion vs. Champion Match For the Ages!

Finally, a monumental confrontation to determine which mid-card belt is more worthless! Spoiler, it’s the one WWE didn’t create.

Sheamus vs. Barrett wasn’t quite the hard-hitting slugfest I was expecting, but it was still solid stuff. The match was surprisingly fast-paced, with Barrett doing some clever stuff like avoiding a whip into the stairs then kicking them back into Sheamus’ knees. Of course the match ended with an outta nowhere Brogue kick because that’s the way all Sheamus matches end now. Sheamus should make the Brogue his version of the dropkick from the Ninja Turtles arcade games — never give the Foot Soldiers/WWE superstars an opening. Just Brogue Kick his way down the ramp and don’t stop until everyone’s dead.

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