The Washington Nationals Racing Presidents Have Joined The Shield And Are Trying To Assassinate Lincoln

By: 05.20.14  •  21 Comments


In a story that is extremely relevant to both American history and my interests, three of the Washington Nationals GEICO Racing Presidents have turned heel and banded together to take out Abraham Lincoln. They’ve also chosen to evoke The Shield, WWE’s team of flak-jacket-and-dog-mask-wearing mercenaries. Dude, I don’t know why they’re doing it either, I’m just smiling and happily clapping my hands.

Here’s Zapruder-style footage of a HEINOUS attack ordered by William Howard Taft, with a h/t to SB Nation. They popped him so hard with a double clothesline that a human head burst from his sternum. Yo.

The group’s response?

That makes them the “Hounding Fathers,” right?

If Lincoln responds by hitting anyone with Sister Abigail, I’ll lose it. And hey, as much as I love heel wrestling faction attacks, if you wanna take out Abe shouldn’t you just make John Wilkes Booth a Racing President? THE GEICO PRESIDENTS RACE SHOULD BE DARK AND HISTORICALLY ACCURATE.

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