For the second week in a row, the lead in for Total Divas on E! has been one of the Fockers movies starring Ben Stiller and Robert De Niro, and I don’t know which one because I don’t care. But there’s a sequence in the closing credits where they do a remix of some speech that Stiller’s character is giving, and it’s like Chinese water torture to me. I don’t want to get off on too much of a tangent before we get into this week’s episode, “Red and Gold,” but it’s never a good idea to start my DVR viewing experience off with something that really annoys me. Especially when I know Eva Marie and Cameron are right around the corner.
Based on last episode’s preview for this week, we knew what we were getting into and I had to muster every ounce of courage to watch this one. I’m not exaggerating. Anything that focuses on Eva Marie and also shows a clip of Cameron singing is enough to make me swear off TV for the rest of my life. Let’s check some power rankings, fam.
Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Summer Rae – I’m more of the mindset that I hate what this show is trying to do to her than I am that I hate her because she lets them do it. That doesn’t make any sense, does it?
2) Naomi – I’m still pissed about her driving in rain with a coffee in one hand and her phone in the other. Not cool.
3) Brie Bella – Meh, she’s just there.
4) Nikki Bella – She has fewer dimensions than a Herbert Marcuse book. *straightens tie, farts*
5) Nattie – I’m still waiting for a “Poor Nattie” sign at Raw.
6) Cameron – I guess she’s not last…
7) Eva Marie – … because Eva Marie is still the worst.
Don’t Ever Let Nattie Send You a Housewarming Gift
I have to tip my fedora to Total Divas this week for leading off with something that gave me a sincere laugh. Nattie painted a portrait of Nikki Bella and John Cena, and it was just about the ugliest thing that she could have given to Nikki for her expensive new condo. Like, remember that Chappelle’s Show sketch when Dave is with Oprah, so he spends his day doing crazy sh*t like painting an exotic nude model, and the result was just a stick figure with huge breasts? THAT would have been a million times better than this turd on canvas.
In all seriousness, though, I would LOVE it if the WWE made Nattie’s new in-ring gimmick that she’s an artist and above all of this ruffian nonsense. Think of her like a blonde Damien Sandow but way more intentionally unlikable. It would be even better if they had Tyson Kidd critiquing her art and wrestling behind-the-scenes. Congrats, WWE and E!, even if this was a terribly unoriginal angle ripped from the scripts of too many crappy sitcoms, it was the most I’ve enjoyed Nattie at any moment in this show’s run.
The Funniest Scene of this Entire Season
They could make a running gag out of things not being tied down to the roof of Nattie’s car, as long as one of those things ends up being Tyson Kidd. He could spend the following season in a full body cast.
But Then There’s the Real Art
I actually love that painting. It’s possibly the most perfect painting I have ever laid eyes on, and the WWE should turn this into a shirt immediately:
Mark Had a Brilliant Idea… Making Eva Marie and Summer Rae a Tag Team
I don’t watch wrestling all that much, and I know, based on what little wrestling they actually cover in this show, that this is a horrendous idea. Eva Marie should not wrestle. She should barely talk. But that’s not the problem here…
Worst Quote of the Episode
“She will take anyone down to get one step ahead.” – Brie Bella on Summer Rae
Oh she will? I mean, I’ve been saying all along in this second season that Summer Rae’s plot should have been, from Day One, that she’s the brash newcomer that wants to step on anyone and not make any friends to prove that she’s the most talented and charismatic Diva in the WWE, but the writers instead wanted to make her wear Eva Marie’s plot hand-me-downs and play the role of the slut who wanted to bang her way through the male ranks and not give a crap about anything else. *exhale* So, cool, I guess. The WWE is finally doing the smart thing, even if it happened with three episodes left in the season, and after we were subjected to seven episodes of recycled tropes and nonsense. Cool.
Bottom Line: Eva Marie Can’t Wrestle
From a technical perspective, there’s a serious flaw with the idea that Eva Marie doesn’t ever practice because the WWE has her booked for photo shoots and whatever. I’m sure there’s an exaggeration in there, but it’s dangerous to keep putting this girl in the ring when she’s so raw and untalented. Someone’s going to get hurt. And if I’m overreacting and making more of this than I should, let’s check in with…
The Worst Scene of the Season
I hate that E! and the WWE felt the need to piggyback Nattie’s empty and pointless “rise to the championship shot and then… INJURY!” story (that was never even resolved) with Naomi’s injury. It feels hollow and patronizing to Naomi when she’s such a talented and hard-working wrestler. Granted, I think the eye patch looks badass now, but I wish she didn’t need it.
The Best Quote of the Episode
“Miss Lucy is like all over the place.” – Sandra talking about Eva Marie’s wrestling gear
She looked like a stripper wearing a Fruit Roll-Up. Sandra continues to be the best person on this show.
But Seriously, This is So F*cking Dumb Already
Summer Rae refused to tag Eva Marie into their six-woman tag match at all, because she – like the other Divas have been since the first episode of this show – is afraid that Eva Marie’s lack of experience and practice is going to lead to someone getting hurt. But sure, let’s go ahead and let Eva Marie pretend like it’s a jealousy thing. And let’s go ahead and make the other Divas who have all hated Eva Marie at some point this season take her side and act like this isn’t simply a situation of someone trying to be professional. On the long, growing list of things that don’t make sense on this show, this might be the worst of them.
Also, please let Summer Rae dye her hair red to prove that she’d look better than Eva Marie. It’s not because I actually want her to prove it, I’d just like to see it for, um, science.
Meanwhile, in Cameron’s Mercedes…
After all of the terrible things that I’ve said about Vinnie, seeing that man put up with and support Cameron’s music shows me that he really loves her, so I respect him much more now. But I’m still incredibly happy that the WWE didn’t have any clips available for this one. Also, Vinnie drives with both hands on the wheel at almost all times, so I’m going to make him No. 1 on my People Driving on Total Divas Power Rankings. Congrats, Vinnie.
Meanwhile, Out of Cameron’s Mercedes…
Cameron is excited about her new single, “Bye Bye,” so she wants to generate immediate buzz about it by doing the best thing that she can think of – walking up and down a street in Los Angeles and hoping that paparazzi recognize her. The problem with that, of course, is that she’s being followed by cameras that are owned by the WWE and/or E! and obviously both of them are going to call the proper agencies and let them know what’s going on. Hell, at the very least, some guy with a camera is going to see the camera crew, realize that Knob Kardashian is nowhere to be seen and decide to snap a few photos off.
I’d be far less annoyed by this show if it wasn’t so blatantly fake and lacking in common sense. I mean this in the nicest way possible, but if you’re someone who watches this show and think that everything happens as is, then you should be locked away in a lab and studied. And to add insult to scripted stupidity, we actually had a Kim Kardashian krossover moment in this episode. Cameron, who clearly doesn’t know how the Internet tabloid community works, was frustrated that her paparazzi photos weren’t on any websites yet, but there were photos of Kim having lunch at the Ivy. If this leads to Kris Jenner offering to manage and promote Cameron if she changes her name to Kameron, I f*cking walk, people.
But Wait, It Gets So Much Worse
F*cking Ray J, you guys. I don’t care why he’s there. I don’t care what his presence does to Cameron and Vinnie. Hello shark, please don’t mind if we jump you now.
Post-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Naomi – My sweet, wonderful Naomi, I’m sorry that I was mad at you for your irresponsible driving habits. Please don’t get hurt again.
2) Summer Rae – It’s not that I think she should be the star of this stupid show, but she deserves better than being written like a selfish, spoiled slut. Who does this serve in any way that isn’t terrible?
3) Nattie – Paint to your poor heart’s content, Nattie!
4) Nikki Bella – Okay, I can see how she hated her painting.
5) Brie Bella – But how could she hate her beautiful painting?
6) Eva Marie – GOD I don’t want to rank her above 7, but it’s impossible not to this week.
7) Cameron – F*ck everything about Ray J being on this episode.
Side note: Watching actual paparazzi in action, circling so-called celebrities like Cameron and Ray J – especially of all f*cking people, Ray J – makes me ill. It bothers me that this is a global profession, not because I give a crap about people who crave attention or truly believe that they’re better than other people and therefore secretly desire the cameras, but because it’s such a revolting job to settle for. This episode barely gave us a glimpse, but those TMZ videos, when dozens of camera guys are stepping on each other and fighting for an angle, because a photo of Courtney Stodden’s cooch might fetch a few grand? Makes me feel dirty.