Best: This Is How I Look When I Type
Look at this sh*t. Look at it! This is what Marlena looks like when she’s answering fan mail on America Online. Everything Goldust did meant something and this is no different. It’s incredible. This is also what my house looks like when I’m working and my wife is done teaching for the summer.
Worst: Marc Mero Is Good At Nothing
Remember for King Of The Ring 1996 when I said that Marc Mero was the worst wrestler I’ve come across on the Network (tied with Marcus Alexander Bagwell)? Well, sh*tty Mero reared his ugly head again in this match with Austin. God bless Stone Cold because he really tried to carry Mero to a good match, and he got repaid by almost getting his neck broken twice.
At one point, Austin seems to be trying to get Mero to do something, gives up, walks away in frustration and says f*ck it and just pushes him off the apron.
Mero had sort of an anti-Sheamus thing going on where he’d look sweaty, his hair would get matted and it’d look like he’s just had a good match. But in actuality he’s just been getting sweaty by blowing spots and almost killing people. I hope they put quotation marks around the word ‘wrestler’ next time he whores out for a CNN appearance.
Best: Pre-Crisis Sable
Sable really was a beautiful woman. It’s just that the older she got, the more skin she showed and it was sort of counterproductive. But 1996 Sable in the full leather is victory for everyone.
Best: Undertaker As A Human Being
It’s so much fun to watch the Undertaker transform in 1996. That and the rise of Austin are probably the two most important developments from that year in the WWF. Here, Taker is still doing his full-on Deadman gimmick but he’s showing vulnerability and an a healthy wrestler hatred of gay people.
His match with Goldust here is a more realistic Undertaker style as he’s brawling outside, choke slamming Goldust on steps, breaking out inside f*cking cradles (which he had to use to get out of a blown spot, making it even more impressive) and keeping his sit-up no-sells to a minimum. It’s these subtle changes that make Mark Calloway so brilliant. He took a gimmick that wasn’t built to last and turned it into a thing that’s lasted damn near a quarter of a century. Not only that, it also spawned a career of a another guy whose gimmick has lasted 15 years.
Best: Taker’s Misfit Feud
If you watch all the WCW pay-per-views in 1996 and 1997, then you probably will have seen about three hours of Glacier vs. Mortis/Wrath matches. They’re all horrible and the gimmicks are all absolute trash. Meanwhile, in WWF, Undertaker has his own sort of misfit weirdo feud with Goldust and Mankind. There’s no comparison between the feuds. Undertaker’s story had a complexity and match quality that the Glacier matches couldn’t touch. That probably went without saying, didn’t it?