Worst: Hogan Heel Matches Are Unbearable also This Is The Next Year And A Half
Here’s the secret of being a heel is that at some point in a match, you’re going to cheat, get the upper hand and be required to beat up the good guy for an extended period of time. This requires, you know, a repertoire of moves.
Hulk Hogan doesn’t have a repertoire of moves. Hulk Hogan doesn’t have a handful of moves. Hulk Hogan doesn’t have a thimble’s worth of moves. So his Hollywood Hogan matches were basically “Stall. Half-ass bump. Scratch back aggressively. Whip with belt. Punch” until 9:45 when someone would run in and help him win the match. This match is no different. And it’s trash as hell.
Worst: Where’s WCW?
One of the biggest logic gaps that would happen EVERY Hulk Hogan match was the lack of help anyone would give WCW guys. Didn’t the NWO just go all gang warfare on everyone in WCW? Still, for a solid year, whenever NWO would jump in on Hogan matches, there was never a WCW guy to come help out. Did the NWO put chains on WCW locker rooms before every run-in? Did they put every WCW backstage TV on a tape delay and the guys would run out, realize they missed everything and say “aw, man, got us again, NWO.” This never failed to not make sense.
Worst: The Booty Man Heel Turn Has Rocked Wrestling
Brutus Beefcake did literally nothing well as a wrestler. So when he came out to the ring to get beat up by the NWO, I sort of wanted to cheer them. But I was so brain dead from the worst 30 minutes of “wrestling” I’ll ever see until the next Hollywood Hogan match that I was reserved to wondering what kind of cake that was and what they would do with it after the PPV. I hope Marcus Bagwell didn’t get any.
Worst: The Giant Is Still On The Ground
Through all of this: the post-match celebration, the Booty Man beat down, and the spray painting of the belt, the Giant is still on the ground. Motionless. FROM A TITLE BELT SHOT TO THE HEAD. Just six months ago, the man got monster trucked off a building to death and survived and now he’s in a coma from a title shot to the head. This NWO thing is so stupid in hindsight. Hogan is the ruiner of things.
Best: Signing Off
I love with all my heart the way the broadcast would end with the announce team’s final thoughts. That’s how they do it in sports and that’s how they did it in WCW. Now, WWE is doing these post-PPV press conferences which are boss as hell, but the announce team signing off is unbeatable.
Bonus: WE GET PENSIVE DUSTY IN A DENIM SHORT SET! “RUG MATERIAL BELT BUCKLE, TONY SCHIAVONE SHO’ IS LOOKIN” – 2 Chainz. Or not. But probably it should be 2 Chainz.
I want more like this!
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