Best: Davey Richards is a ridiculous human being
Remember how I said that I would try to say one nice thing about Davey Richards each week (or each appearance) in an effort not to be that super indie wrestling-loving jerkface that I 100% am? I didn’t, and with good reason, but I think makes it all up to me in this one segment. Richards goes from being…well, himself, to the most hilarious thing on the entire show. To wit:
1) He thought this “would be the era of the wrestler, not the puppetmaster doing whatever they could to line their pockets,” he said, making this face as he turned to the camera
2) He insists that MVP is just “a sheep in Wolves clothing”, which is so dumb it might loop around to Zoolander levels of amazing. What would have been even more amazing is if he had followed it up with “And you can be too if you head over to shoptna.com! Let the hunt FOR BARGAINS begin!”
3) Cool ‘flops, bro:
Worst: Wrestling chicken
Part of me doesn’t want to give this a worst, because I get it. They’re friends, and they don’t want to wrestle each other, especially when one of them is hurt and they could further aggravate the injury. The match itself, however, is less an exhibit of technical wrestling skills and moreso…okay. Last year during WrestleMania, there were a bunch of really loud and obscene fellows staying on the same floor of our hotel. At one point, one of them, clad only in a singlet, chased the other down the hallway trying to wrestle him or kiss him or maybe both? That’s…kinda what this match felt like.
If you don’t go the comedic route, a la Bad Influence, then this is your opportunity to really shift out of your comfort zone and put on one of those great matches that every wrestler who works for TNA is supposedly being held back from. I feel like Richards has watched enough Dynamite Kid matches to know that when you know your opponent so well, you learn their moves and habits and are forced to innovate ways to counter where you may have been dealt damage before. This was the perfect opportunity to make Eddie Edwards his little vanilla Tiger Mask. They’ve been tagging for a million years, so they know what the other is capable of, and therefore would need to do something different. This could have actually been really fantastic, but instead it looks like two douchebros drunkenly playing gay chicken until the hotel manager comes to tell them to pipe down or he’ll take their tag titles away.
Worst: Madison and Brittany
Madison Rayne is SO MAD at Brittany for not listening to her last week, so this week she makes it explicitly clear that she wants Brittany to do nothing. Oh boy, I hope that doesn’t bite her in the ass!
Best: That Robbie E, he’s so hot right now
I’m not one of those people who pretends that everyone on the roster would be just so fantastic if big bad Impact would stop holding them back, but man, Robbie E. Buddy. You are totally better than this. There’s a moment during the backstage preamble to…whatever it is that happened next…when his fellow BroMen are trying to pinpoint what it is about The Menagerie that bothers him so much, and…it’s hard to explain. It’s this perfect little moment of sincerity that makes you stop and say hey, wow, this guy is really good at what he’s doing. The forced, over-the-top fear of Crazzy Steve and clowns in general is funny, but that one little moment takes you out of enjoying his comedic work on a surface level to realizing that the only thing that’s crazzy is the amount of potential he has.
Still the Worst: Ils sont une pagaille épouvantable, eh?
This week, after Tazz has an objectification meltdown over Rebel the likes we’ve not seen since Kelly Kelly did anything in front of Jerry Lawler, we get the explanation that The Menagerie are here to make money, and send it back home to Knux’s Sad Dad’s Carnival of Broken Poker Machines and Sadness. That’s all well and good, but who signed these contracts? Who is paying them? If we’re going by established canon, did MVP say yeah, two Zs? That’s a guy I want on my roster! Did Dixie, balls deep in a bottle of cabernet say yeah, that guy who terrorized my company with his weirdo bad guy biker friends has a home in the Impact Zone now that he’s got creepy siltwalkers and a lady who can do splits on the rope? What is Rebel being paid to do? Do the stiltwalkers actually get paid, or do they moonlight at Taco Bell? If nobody actually wrestles, why are they getting paid at all? If you don’t have the answers for the questions your explanation elicits, why is that even your explanation in the first place?
I think the Menagerie could all stand to live a little less más, quite frankly.