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The Best And Worst of Impact Wrestling 5/6/14: The American Don Wests

By 06.06.14

Here’s Brandon to save the day! And by the day I mean my sanity.

Worst: I GOTTA FAMILY T’FEED

So much talk about feeding families. Here’s what’s going down: MVP has put Samoa “Not CM Punk, We Swear” Joe into a match with Austin “Also Not CM Punk, We Also Swear” Aries into a CONTRACT vs. CONTRACT match, wherein the winner is restored to full contract status and the loser is fired. He goes to referee Brian Hebner and tells him to call the match with no DQs and no countouts because there has to be a winner, and somebody has to get fired. Eric Young and Bully Ray, neither man in charge of Impact, also approach Hebner and tell him to FOLLOW HIS HEART or whatever and call the match how HE sees fit. Hebner more or less tells them to f*ck off because he has a FAM’LY.

Anyway, the match happens, and Eric Young decides that the top babyface thing to do would be to pull the referee out of the ring multiple times to keep ANY finish from happening. Bully Ray, thinking on Eric Young’s level, shows up and punches Hebner out. Young takes the mic and says they punched him because it’s about something bigger … it’s about THUR lives and THUR job and THUR families. Because I guess MY FRIEND’S FAMILY is more important than MY COWORKER’S FAMILY? Will Brian Hebner’s children now starve to death? Why are we arbitrarily picking and choosing who eats?

The end result is the Whitest Wrestlers U Know and SmoJoe ending up in a FIRST BLOOD BEEF with MLK. Beef and milk. I GOT FAMILIES TO FEED.

Two things:

1. This substantiates my belief that every single person on Impact is a terrible human being. They’re just a roster of Gollums, hastily plucking fist out of the stream and chomping at their guts. They have these broad ideas of what justice and fellowship and honor are, but they don’t understand them, so they just vaguely participate in social ritual until the next cycle turns over. It’s why everybody turns on everybody, no tag teams stay together, babyfaces are threatening to shoot murder you and invade your home and the heels are smarmy business types or “men with a grudge.” They’re all the same. Everyone is exactly the same, and everyone is terrible.

2. This is one of the deadest crowds ever. They don’t make a SOUND until 45 seconds into that video, and even their response woos to Bully Ray’s big WE’RE GONNA BLEED TO DEATH AND DIE declarations are half-hearted. Maybe give them a few people they’re happy to see and they won’t be so sick of everything?

Worst: Mr. Anderson

This is the shittiest remake of the Apple Dumpling Gang I’ve ever seen.

Worst: Phil Shatter(ing the stigmas of mental health)

Who is this one? Who is it, Sam?


IT’S BRAM! AHH. AHHHHHHHHHH.

Worst: Madison Rayne vs. Angelina Love

If only we could have seen this coming!


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TOPICS#IMPACT WRESTLING
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