The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling 6/12/14: The Three-Count of Monte Cristo

By: 06.13.14


Best: Willow

Say what you want (and I will) about what is happening with Willow, but TONIGHT OUR PATIENCE IS ON VACATION is one of the most gloriously ludicrous sentences in the history of wrestling.

fuck you bram

Worst: You save more if you buy in bulk

Situations this phrase applies to: off-brand cereal, former WWE wrestlers, matching tank tops. If rampant stereotypes are correct, by this time next week the lockeroom is gonna be full of a dozen different colours of tank top, guys you’ve only seen squashed on NXT, and Honey-Nut Scooters.

Anyways, we all know that there is but one acceptable use of matching tank tops, it already happened, and it was fabulous:

Double Worst: When looking through my folders of old Impact pictures, I found this and it damn near broke my heart

Worst: But no seriously, AHHH BRAM AHHH

Magnus isn’t gonna be what anyone else tells him to be, except I guess this guy who just swam across an ocean to…tell him how to be. Bram really gets off on that, huh? He spends all this time systematically destroying Cool Magnus (RIP, forever in our hearts, only to move onto Jeff Hardy. Jeff Hardy has to have an alter ego to be feared, but he’s not really a monster. Magnus and his fwiend are the monsters and they’ve got the matchy-matchy wardrobe to prove it! BRAM CAN YELL. HE’S SO LOUD. LOOK AT HIM YELL HE MUST MEAN BUSINESS. HE DOESN’T NEED A MASK TO YELL AND YELLING DEFINES HIS MASCULINITY OKAY. WILLOW IS JUST JEFF HARDY GUYS DID YOU KNOW IT’S JUST JEFF HARDY IT’S JUST JEFF HARDY AND THOSE CARS AREN’T EVEN REALLY HIS THEY’RE JUST RENTALS. AHHH. AHHHHHHHH.

Guys, I fear Bram might be an asshole.

Worst: Masque of the Red Death (of My Interest)

This immediately goes from “who the f-ck cares about what this knob end who just showed up out of nowhere thinks” to “all will be forgiven if you tell Abyss that he’s not a big scary dude with multiple personalities he’s just a mild-mannered lawyer” (because seriously just come back to me Joseph Park. I miss you every day).

To their credit, this at least gives some amount of logic to this feud. Bram-anyone makes no sense, but Abyss was lied to. Magnus was mean to him and hugged him and then it turned out that those hugs were a sham. His friendship-based-wrestling-friendship was built on a foundation of lies. And I act cool and say I’m over it but I am so not.

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