More like BRAMdon, amirite? No? Stop saying that forever? Okay, cool.
Best: Bram And Magnus Have The Perfect Response To Davey Richards’ Nonsense
As we join our second Wolves match of the night in progress, Davey Richards is slapping the shit out of his own thigh and throwing that contrived, unbelievable offense that has been his calling card since (I’m assuming) birth. At one point he throws Bram shoulder-first into Magnus, so Magnus stands there holding Bram in DDT position (because you’d just do that?) until Davey dropkicks him. Then, a dropkick DDT! Get it! DO YOU GET IT. The only way it could’ve been better is if two dudes had popped in from the bottom corner of the screen ‘Toasty’ style and superkicked both sides of Bram’s head. It was so contrived that this song started playing in the background.
Anyway, Bram’s response to this (and WOLF TAUNTING~) is to grab a chair and toss it to Magnus, who just throws it in Davey’s face for the DQ. Best possible ending to a Wolves match. There needs to be a “Raven’s Rules” setup where if the Wolves get too stupid with their offense, the other team is allowed to hit them in the face with objects. Debuting a fur-lined jacket? Oh the fur’s just on one shoulder? STEEL STEPS TO THE FACE.
Worst: AN HERE COMES DA CALVARY, COLE
Willow and Abyss run out to make the save. Well, Willow runs, Abyss does that awkward shuffle run I do when I’m late for an appointment somewhere but remember I still have to run across the apartment complex and check my mail.
Best: I hope Kurt Angle and Bram team up one day
We could call them Brampa.
Best: Hot Mess is back!
Hay girlfran. We missed you. Can’t wait until you join the Beautiful People, or turn on Gail Kim, or turn on everyone, or turn into a ham and cheese sandwich with evil intentions because this company can never stop swerving ever and it gets dumber and dumber every single time.
You know what would be a CRAZY AND UNPREDICTABLE swerve? Good wrestling, storylines where women aren’t just dumb bitches to each other because WOMEN AMIRITE, and maybe a title that matters enough for you to spruce it up a bit and fix that chipping paint. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS, TAZZ. THAT’S EFFORT! EFFORT IS IN THE KNOCKOUTS DIVISION!
Best: Kurt Angle plugs his new show to Lashley and Kenny King
His upcoming side project looks killer:
Worst: My DVR cut off most of this title match, or, Best: My DVR cut off most of this title match!
Okay, I know you’re expecting me to shit all over this main event, and believe me, you are incredibly justified, BUT. But. I can’t believe there’s a but. But here it is. Bobby Lashley makes as champ makes sense to me.
It doesn’t make sense in the grand scheme of things, or when you say World Champion Bobby Lashley out loud and your brain starts leaking out of your ears because that combination of words is mondo ridiculous, BUT. MVP is legitimately injured, Lashley has beaten Eric Young before, and, as I pointed out last week, he really is the least offensive out of his friends. If Eric Young has to go because his Animal Planet needs him, or if someone realized that the guy who talks like a hecked-up fifth grader who still believes what he learned at bible camp that no one ever really built up because they were too busy pushing guys who already had the work done for them in other companies has totally backfired, it’s kinda fine with me. Something dumb will happen next week and the belt will change hands again because someone swerved someone else to fix the fact that they didn’t have a long-term plan for the last swerve, and if that doesn’t work they can just rewrite their own canon because this show swerves more than Lil’ Boosie and…oh. Wait. There’s Bobby Roode.
CRAZY AND UNPREDICTABLE!