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The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling 6/26/14: Save A Horse, Chide A Cowboy

By / 06.27.14

Best? Worst? What is happening?: Prelude to an X-Division Match

Knux is on the phone with…someone….they owe money to, and if they don’t get it, our mystery bad guy will dismantle the family business. Is…is Mother Nature on the phone? Does she travel around the country, insisting people call her Big Mama Nat, and bringing rain and hail down on people who can’t pay their loans? Were Auntie Em and Uncle Henry in deep over some cockfight bets?

Their plan to fix this, instead of, y’know, shoot jobs (I bet the Freak could totally hit up an LA Fitness for a personal trainer job), they decide that champions make more money because none of them have ever heard of Taylor Wilde. Crazzy Steve is set on challenging Sanada for the belt, but that draws the attention of DJ Zema and his glasses that would match my hair and that I might desperately want. He mocks that idea because it’s, you know, crazzy, but then TJ Perkins comes out? In his suit but not his mask? Man…that is wretched. I know I’ve said a lot about the unmasking of Manik and the retconning of his history, and I know TJ “becomes another person” when he puts the mask on, but ugh. Ugghhh. Stop it. Stop it! Masks are important. Masks have a tradition. You’re tacky and I hate you.

Best: Sure, why not, the X-Division match

I guess. Yeah. Okay. It’s not the best match, by a mile, but it’s not…horrible. It’s pretty fun. I like that triple dropkick a whole bunch, and Sanada’s bridge makes me feel a little funny. But it’s a title match, right? I mean, Sanada grants all of them title matches, but they’re not really…doing anything to lend it that gravitas, or tell a story. I mean, in the beginning Sanada kinda hangs back as the three challengers go at each other, and I had hoped that would be a theme throughout the match. But it’s not. Like…at some point these X-Division matches have to stop being about getting your shit in, and start being about an actual division with actual people with actual personalities and reasons to be there, yeah?

Best: Rockstar Spud

Oh, Spud. Dixie might be the heatseeker, but you are magical. How much better would Impact be if we had Spud in the background, silently reacting to everything? Or picture-in-picture Spud? Spud-o-Vision? I would pay for that. A monthly subscription service! And EC3 could show up sometimes. Maybe the BroMen…Sanada…oh shit, I just described Spin Cycle.

Oh well. Watch that too. It’s pretty great.

Worst: BEEEEEEYYYYYYOOOOOO, or however you make that firework noise

So Earl Sullivan Armstrong has let Dixie know that she will NOT be the replacement for MVP, which…seems kinda silly and weird. I mean, if Dixie is the owner, and the president, is she the CEO? Who does the board actually answer to? It’s not a publicly traded company, and if she’s the owner and has the controlling portion of the company, why doesn’t she have more power? Why do we have to bring in all of this business nonsense if we’re not going to accurately define roles and the regulations that come along with them? Anyways, it doesn’t matter, because our hero wants to put his boss through a table.

And that’s the other thing. Why is MVP suddenly so awful that he needs to be removed, but the female owner of the company you have been elected to represent is being stalked, harassed, and threatened with violence, but that’s cool? Earl Sullivan Armstrong you are right there and you aren’t doing a goddamn thing what the f-ck is wrong with you. Or were you on the phone calling a quorum about it because this is the first you’ve seen because you have literally no idea what happens in the company you help govern?

Bully tells Spud to “shut up, bitch” because again, he is the good guy who just wants to do good things, like follow a woman to her home, sneak in, and try to physically harm her. You know, ~just good guy things~.

What don’t you guys get?

Worst: The Slammiversary Rematch

If two men wrestle on a pay-per-view and nobody cares about it, do we have a rematch? As many times as possible, I guess.

Continue Reading 'The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling 6/26/14: Save A Horse, Chide A Cowboy' »
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