Worst: John Recap
Why does John Cena feel the need to come out and do these needless recaps of recent WWE storylines? He does it all the time. Does he think we’re not paying attention? I write 2000 words each week about f*cking Smackdown — I couldn’t possibly be paying more attention.
It’s not just that he has to exhaustively recount stuff everyone is keeping up with just fine, he has to give his recaps this “Boy, wrestling sure is stupid shit for jerkoffs, innit it?” edge. So, John runs through the last nine-months of WWE world title history, with the punchline being, “Geez, isn’t the WWE title picture a ridiculous clown show?” Then he runs through the guys in Money in the Bank and the punchline is, “People of various backgrounds and ethnicities are going to be competing for the WWE title, which is stupid and laughable!” His final punchline was actually a joke about punchlines — something about how he was going to line up everyone in the match and punch them.
I…what? What is happening here? Could this segment get any worse? Is Stephanie going to come out and barf on somebody?
Worst: Parade of Quips
Oh Jesus, please have Stephanie come out and barf on somebody — anything but this.
Somewhere in the dark, dusty recesses of Vince McMahon’s mind, he remembers audiences going crazy for segments where everybody in the main event comes out to jaw-jack with each other, but the ability to produce lively, unpredictable feeling television has long since abandoned him, so instead everybody just tromps down to the ring, recites one quip or catchphrase in a robotic manner, then stands around looking bored.
But wait, is that The Shield’s music (which Roman Reigns apparently got in the divorce)? What will the new Reigns float bring to the Parade of Quips? Well, nothing really. He pointed to the titles and said that he wanted them. Then Reigns went face-to-face with Cena and pursed his lips. Then John Cena took off his shirt. Huh, well, I didn’t expect this segment to go in this direction, but…oh no, wait, Reigns is punching Randy Orton now. Slashfic false alarm.