A screencap from this match:
Me too, Summer.
I’m sure Becky Lynch is a great wrestler. She looked good in the ring. I’m sure she’s a delightful person with a lot of personality. At the same time, real talk? I wanted Summer Rae to attack her from behind with a shovel and beat her in the knees until she promised to never “jig” again. She’s Irish, get it? That means she Riverdances CONSTANTLY. During her entrance. When she gets into the ring. Between moves. By the time she was actually standing up and yelling DIDDLY DIDDLY DIDDLY DIDDLY while she did it I couldn’t handle it anymore. This might be residual Bull Dempsey anger showing up, but God, if I could change wrestling with my brain the BFF would’ve been circle-stomping this goober in a heartbeat.
Best: The Actual Wrestling
Like I said, she looked good in the ring. That Exploder suplex (that made me originally think it was a capture suplex by the way she brought the leg so high up) was crazy impressive. If they can Cotton Hill Becky’s legs to forever end the jigging, we’ll have a winner.
Look out Itchy, they’re French!
Big Cass defeats Sawyer Fulton by slapping his own thigh as hard as possible, and that (for some reason) brings out Sylvester LeFort and Marcus Louis. They do some sinister French “closing in” stuff, and that brings us to the motherf*cking Fireworks Factory and the return of ENZO AMORE, aka THE REALEST GUY IN THE ROOM.
I don’t know what to type about Enzo other than exclamation points and capital letters. There is no guy in professional wrestling who has me glued to the screen when he talks like Enzo. Having him back makes Big Cass 100% better, and hell, it does the same to NXT. The WWE Fan Nation video truncated the shit out of Enzo’s return, so if you’ve never heard him cut a promo before, good lord, enjoy:
Never leave me again, you beautiful little weirdo.
Best: Tyler Breeze Is Not A Future Teller
“What am I, a future teller?”
During the main event, Alex Riley is suddenly replaced with TYLER BREEZE, and this is the biggest pro wrestling-related upgrade since Triple H got a new girlfriend. It’s WONDERFUL. Breeze spends the entire time he’s on commentary staring at himself in his phone, and he absolutely GARROTES Renee every time she asks him a question. She never figures it out, either. The match is pretty long, and instead of talking about a single aspect of it, she keeps asking Tyler questions like “are you going to go on tour with Jay Z and Beyonce.” It’s embarrassing. Breeze is a great improvisor, though, and Yes Ands as much of it as he can, but he’s never afraid to give her the simple, honest answer with a heaping side order of YOU ARE STUPID. I shouldn’t be in a position where I want to see somebody make Renee feel badly about herself for 15 minutes, but after six months of OH! and “ladies are garbage, high five fellas,” it was refreshing. He was (and remains) the Anti Alex Riley.
On a related note, it’s gonna be awesome when Rich Brennan finally snaps and tells the people around him to shut the f*ck up. Just a full-on Network moment. Maybe he can flip the announce table. I want hard ass journalist Rich Brennan to shove Alex Riley on his ass and tell him to call the f*cking wrestling match.
Best: The F*cking Wrestling Match
I’m not a big fan of anything Rob Van Dam does, but God bless him for not only showing up to work in developmental, but to put over its champion clean. How many guys would do that? It’s the perfect use of RVD … showing up to have a competitive match but lose to these kids who grew up thinking he was the coolest guy in the world. You know, back when he was the coolest guy in the world. Back in Seth Rollins’ 2005.
In all seriousness, it was pretty fun. Neville continues to be the most legit NXT Champion ever by just fighting people and winning.
Oh, and one last thing …
Near the end of the match, Van Dam shoves Neville into the air like he’s Cesaro, falls backwards and kicks him in the chest on the way down. Did … did Rob Van Dam just break out a new move? Is my “Van Dam hasn’t done anything new since 2001” talking point dead? Am, uh, am I allowed to disqualify it because NXT is a magical place where everything suddenly becomes great? Tell me he did this in FMW or something, I’m too old to come up with another talking point.