Worst: Barf, This Mountain Dew, Barf
Watching the announce team try to force down Diet Mountain Dew all night was hilarious. A supplemental Best goes to Michael Cole for getting outed for not drinking his Dew and responding with “I’m on my SECOND one!” SAVE MADE MAGGLE.
Worst: Stephanie Should’ve Just Chokeslammed Both Of Them
My “this story doesn’t make sense” stuff appears to be rubbing a lot of people the wrong way (a lot of people are fine with stuff not making sense or having no value if they “like it”), so I’ll focus on Stephanie being a foot taller and half a foot broader than either Brie or Bryan, and how she should’ve responded to them with a double goozle and a chokeslam.
1. I really hate “you can’t fire me, because I QUIT!” It’s such a false bravado. You aren’t cooler because you quit. If you got fired for some bullshit reason, doesn’t THAT put you in the right? I wanted Stephanie to be like “uh, that’s actually more of a paperwork thing, but hey, either way you’ve lost your job, so go f*ck yourself.”
People who want to fire their employee are always so insulted and taken aback by the employee quitting. They got what they wanted, right? And now they don’t have to worry about that person collecting unemployment. SORRY YOU DON’T GET YOUR SEVERANCE PACKAGE NOW BRIE, AND ALSO SORRY YOU QUIT RIGHT BEFORE STRIKING ME, ENJOY BEING IN JAIL FOR ASSAULT FOR REAL.
2. Let me recap the good guys for you here: one of them was told he wasn’t physically or professionally able to carry the company’s top title and be the face of the WWE, and the second he won the company’s top title, he went down with an injury. Now he’s refusing to give up the titles because his boss is being mean about it. The other one was put into a horrible position by her boss, and dealt with it by cussing her out and slapping her. Then they did wrestling taunts in her face. Daniel Bryan and Brie Bella are a couple from an episode of COPS. Act like a bitch get treated like a bitch, am I right folks?
Best: Bray Wyatt’s Entrance Is Now Officially Rad As Hell Again
If the Cena/Wyatt feud accomplished nothing else, it got crowds into participation mode for Bray Wyatt. I can’t thank it enough for that. The starlight visual is great, and I can’t wait until they do it at a big outdoor WrestleMania.
Best: The John Cena Memorial Pay-Per-View Clusterf*ck
I considered writing “John Cena defeated Bray Wyatt” and having that be that. The biggest Best here is that this is the end of Cena/Wyatt, I hope I hope I hope, and that both guys find something else to do on Raw.
There was a lot to love. Paying off the “Cena is friends to the little people” angle with the Usos showing up to back John up and take a bunch of bullets for him made sense, and was a legitimately smart move on Cena’s part. Sure, you CAN fight off three guys by yourself, but why not do yourself a favor? I think the most painful Usos-related spot was the superplex to the floor through two tables from Luke Harper, mostly because Harper missed the tables himself and went tailbone first to the ground. Ugh. The moment of the match was Cena launching the 5,000 pound stairs to the outside and braining Wyatt, slicing up his arm in the process. I honestly would’ve bought that as the finish of the match. It was something we’d talk about, and was a cooler visual than “Bray Wyatt is stuck in some boxes.”
There was also a lot to dislike. Cena is at his very worst in Last Man Standing matches, where he’s basically asked to amp up his “nothing REALLY hurts me, you die now” act for their entirety. The replay crew was so busy showing the stairs to the head that they missed Bray catching Cena off the apron and Sister Abigailing him on the floor. That was probably Bray’s best moment of the entire match, especially since he had to do it with that arm gash.
The major thing to dislike is that Last Man Standing matches feel more like video game brawls than anything WWE does. The stairs throwing, the very slow “hold each other by the hair and walk to the props” setup for big moves, Bray Wyatt deciding it’d be a great idea to pull Cena up onto this thin platform to throw punches at him … it felt like you were watching somebody build up specials and drag their opponent to the OMG Moments. The finishes never look violent. They look like prop spots, with long, loving looks at the crash pads. Whether it was a cool visual for Cena to “entomb” Wyatt and win the match is beside the point. A story built around a man losing his LIFE to a hillbilly cultist dead set on destroying him to corrupt and change a nation of children probably needed more than “I took your finish in a place I normally wouldn’t.”
So, yeah. Entertaining, and the best match of the three big pay-per-view showdowns, but I’d rather be playing something else.
Best: Alicia’s Scott Evil Runaway
I don’t remember a lot about the Divas Championship match, honestly, but I will never forget Alicia Fox’s post-match meltdown. We’re so used to her stealing hats and bathing in soda that I expected a full-on football helmet and Mountain Dew Kickstart dunk tank. Instead, we got the thinking man’s Alicia Fox meltdown. She demanded silence from the crowd, tried to keep her cool, then just screamed and ran away flailing her arms and legs around like a weirdo. It was John Cena’s legendary boner run times ten.
Five stars, Alicia.
Worst: The SummerSlam Commercial Should Be A Duck Quacking ‘SUMMERSLAM!’
HEY YOUTZ. I’M TALKING MONEY OVA HERE. YOU WANNA GET YER HOPES UP FOR DOLPH ZIGGLER AT SOME POINT THIS YEAR? WATCH MONEY IN THE BANK PAY-PER-VIEW! FAHGETABOUTIT!
The next commercial should be Flo from Progressive showing Vince McMahon how to save money by bundling WrestleMania 30, Extreme Rules and Payback.