Worst: In Case I Haven’t Mentioned It Before, John Cena’s Dish Towel Entrance
Has anyone explained why John Cena holds up a dish towel with his t-shirt slogan on it despite the fact that all of his clothes also already say it? I know the Shopzone reason is “buy this John Cena dish towel,” but is it serving a purpose? Is he checking the black balance before his matches? Is that even a thing? Has he started obsessively washing his hands before his matches? That Extreme Rules match with Bryan and Kane established there’s a big freestanding garbage can of water in gorilla. Bo Dallas just sits in it before his music plays.
Worst: TV-PG Hardcore Matches
Spoiler alert: John Cena won the Nick Arcade match against Kane and will move on to Money in the Bank to face Merlock, Mongo and Scorchia.
If you are legally braindead and didn’t see it coming, Cena executed an Attitude Adjustment onto a COMFY SURFACE and pushed Kane over a finish line to win a stretcher match and (gasp) earn a title shot. He also threw the steps again, which is really doing a number on the one cool thing he did to Bray Wyatt at Payback Pay-Per-View. Cena appears to have spent all his Good Wrestling points putting Bryan over at least year’s SummerSlam and now just treads water until somebody puts him, a cartoon monster and 15 Mattel playset props in the same room.
I don’t want my Money in the Bank previews to be full of GUESS WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN, but guess what’s gonna happen?
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
Cena’s opponent should have just been The Washington Generals.
“Just a few clarifying questions before we start. If I put him through the roof of the ambulance, does that count?”
“No John, you have to put him on the stretcher first.”
“Really? OK fine, let’s say I put him on the stretcher. Is it cool if I duct tape his feet to the stretcher itself, and then AA the whole thing through the roof of the ambulance?”
“I suppose that’s legal but you could also just open the door and…”
“Cool, thanks! RAPPPADOOOO”
And Teddy Long wept, for there were no more playas to holonaminnit.
Just because you made this Wyatt feud 5 shades lighter doesn’t mean it isn’t the same thing.
“Your puny American economy can not even support bands of over one man in size!”
So how long before Vickie starts answering to the name “Reek”?
Just waiting for Roman Reigns to pop his head up on camera and ask “Ain’t I a stinker?!?” while chewing on a carrot.
I was hoping Stephanie would be like Charlie Kelly: “It seems I have been poisoned by my constituents.”
RVD: And you know what they call a Battle Royal in TNA?
Kofi: They don’t call it a Battle Royal?
RVD: No man, they got their own thing. They wouldn’t know what the fuck a battle royal is.
Kofi: Then what do they call it?
RVD: They call it a Battle ROYALE.
Kofi: Battle Royale. Well, what do they call a Money in the Bank Match?
RVD: Well, a Money in the Bank Match is called an Ultimate X match.
Kofi: Ultimate X. Ha ha ha ha. What do they call a Hell In A Cell?
RVD: I dunno, I didn’t go into the main event.
If they ever team up with Swagger and R-Truth, they can be Swaggy Stardust & The Spiders from Marth.
“HURRY UP! GIVE ME HBK’s CLOTHES! I NEED TO GET TO THE RING!” — Dean Ambrose
Thanks, everybody. See you next week. *does AJ Styles starhands*