Worst: Daddy Cena Is Done With His Chores And Can Stick Up For His Beautiful Grandson Daniel
The short version: this was the worst WWE segment of the year. I’m not sure they’ll be able to top it.
The longer version, wherein I still save you from 10 indignant paragraphs about misogyny or whatever: Stephanie comes to the ring with a legitimately good and fair plan for Money In The Bank: if Daniel Bryan can compete, he must defend the WWE World Heavyweight Championship against Kane, the guy who put him on the shelf. If he’s unable to compete, the WWE World Heavyweight Championship will go to the winner of the Money in the Bank ladder match. This brings out John Cena, Guardian Of The WWE Championship, to thoroughly explain to her what a bitch she’s being and how she just hates Daniel Bryan and is selfish and stupid and had plastic surgery and doesn’t understand how wrestling works.
That’s the segment. I can expound on it if you’d like, but that paragraph alone should tell you what you need to know. If you’re in that “yeah but the people I LIKE should be right” camp, enjoy that camp. If you understand that sometimes bad people do perfectly reasonable shit and sometimes good people act like assholes and that’s life, we’ve got sodas in the fridge.
There is absolutely zero reason for John Cena to be in the ring telling his boss how to do her job. It’s the weird continuation of WWE’s secret story of John Cena being the boss, the only important person, the infallible moral compass who must be bowed to and obeyed no matter what. Remember when Vince McMahon would get all YERRR FARRRRRD in everybody’s face, but the second Cena showed up to berate him he’d get all gulpy and do whatever John wanted? That’s what John’s going for here. Showing up in a situation unrelated to him to stick up for a wrestler who doesn’t need his support because he’s John Cena. He is CONCERNED AMERICAN FATHER. He wants everybody to do the right thing. Because Stephanie giving Bryan a perfectly reasonable set of options despite his wife attacking her and him being injured and unable to compete and that being how the world of wrestling has always worked isn’t “right.” She’s mean about it! That makes her wrong!
Worst: John Cena On The Numerical Concept Of Zero
There’s so much to ramble on about here. I think my least favorite part of the exchange stylistically was Cena giving Stephanie a “performance evaluation” using a scale of 1 to 10, then giving her a zero. YOU MADE THE SCALE, JOHN. ZERO IS NOT ON YOUR SCALE. But he helpfully explains that zero means “you suck.” Shouldn’t 1 mean “you suck,” because that’s the lowest number on your scale? At ANY POINT during this Stephanie should’ve just interrupted him with “who the f*ck do you think you’re talking to? Get your ass to the back.”
Real talk: Stephanie is not “bigger than” the WWE Championship, but she’s in charge of it. She was born to be in charge of it and then put into a position to formally be in charge of it. If she isn’t, her husband is. If they aren’t, her FATHER is. You don’t have an argument, John. You’re trying to have Daniel Bryan’s argument, and even that one ain’t great.
Also real talk: he who lives in breast-implanted houses should not throw stones.
Worst: Oh No, Don’t Put John In A Match With A Guy He Has Easily Beaten Several Dozen Times!
Stephanie’s punishment for John’s insubordination is to put him in a match with Kane, which is more or less paid time off. How many times has Cena beaten Kane in his life? Even “The Demon Kane.” He’s beaten the hardest versions of everybody multiple times. I know I often ask for Cena to come to terms with who he is and accept the reality of his life and situation, but man, how great would it have been if he’d just been like, “Kane? Okay, I’m gonna blitz this old motherf*cker and then dog jump my ass backstage to continue this conversation.”
The worst part is that Kane’s trying to be all monstery right after a John Cena Last Man Standing Match, which is the most insurmountable John Cena on record. Cena briefly experiments with letting Kane beat him up, but by the end he’s chucking the 5,000 pound stairs again and walking away triumphantly with his music playing.
I’m worried that they’ve put Cena in this position as a back-up plan for whatever happens with Bryan. If Bryan is okay to compete, Cena goes into the Money in the Bank ladder match. If Bryan CAN’T compete, Cena goes into a match with Kane. Neither of those things makes me happy.
Worst: The Return Of The Afro Wig
Here’s a quick rundown of everything wrong with wrestling. Sorry, did I type “wrestling?” I meant wrestling.
Sorry, this match.
1. It is the 600th consecutive 3MB vs. Los Matadores match, because I guess neither team exists in WWE Continuity and are only employed to wrestle each other.
2. The return of Hornswoggle’s afro wig, which you may remember from a racist thing at the 2012 Slammy Awards
3. “That is almost a human being you’re talking about.” — JBL, who is not beating around the bush anymore, I guess
4. Hornswoggle moonwalking because he’s got an afro, which makes him black
5. A distraction leading to a roll-up
Here’s what was good about this match:
Best: Dave Batista’s Legacy Is ‘He Couldn’t Say Words’
“BATISTA YOU SAID THE WORDS ‘I QUIT’ OUT THERE AND IT SOUNDED LIKE YOU QUIT, CARE TO COMMENT”
“shcrap shnothinbutcrap, empy promshes, shcrap”
“DO YOU CARE TO SAY ANY ACTUAL WORDS”