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The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 6/2/14: Nope.

By / 06.03.14

Best: The Usos As Key And Peele

“Ay man can I ask you a question? Why everybody messin’ with the Usos?”
“SEE? THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I BEEN ASKIN’ MY SELF.”
“It don’t make no sense!”
“WHY WOULD YOU DO IT”
“Why would you do that, why would you try and mess with the Usos?”
“IT’S FUTILE”
“IT ISSS.”
“YO REMEMBER THE WYATT FAMILYS TRIED TO”
“I MEAN THE USOS GOT ARMOR AND BE KNOWIN SOME MARTIAL ARTS AND DO SUPERFLY SPLASHES”
“big boot big boot”
“I GOT ALL A THAT AND THEN SUPERKICK. All you got is some dirty clothes and a sheep mask.”
“COME ON MAN”
“COME ON MAN”
“WHY. WOULD. YOU. MESS WITH THE USOS??”

Best: A Hell Of A Tag Team Championship Match
Worst: Whoops, Wait, That Was Non-Title Again?

This is the running theme for tonight’s Raw: give me something good, and then take it away by having it remind me of something that’s made me mad for months. In the opening tag, it was Cesaro leaving his partner and taking a loss on purpose. Here, it’s a GREAT tag team match ending in a non-title loss for the champions. Why do they keep doing this? I sincerely want to interview the person who believes having your champions lose to everyone is the way to make champions seem important. Why are Erick Rowan and Luke Harper even competing in non-title matches giants the Usos? They aren’t jobbers. In WWE’s tag division, who has more prestige than them? Not a lot of people. They aren’t Kalisto and El Local showing up expecting a title shot. They’re the Usos #1 peers. Give them a match for the belts at an important event (or even a showcase on Raw) where they either win or lose, or stop having these matches. I see you trying to have your 50/50 wrestling booking without any consequences and it’s not working, jerks.

On the plus side, though, this was a really fun match. Honestly the wrestling on this show wasn’t bad, it was just bookended by TONS AND TONS of rancid mess and dotted with these shifty booking decisions. Here’s an idea: write, say, a month of shows at once. Get them approved. Get everybody on board. Then do the shows as you wrote them and let the stories play out. Writing them on the fly a few hours before every episode has you going to the same well so much you’ve stopped drawing water and are currently scooping up molten f*cking lava from the Earth’s core.

Worst: That’s The Kick That Won Alberto Del Rio Another Goddamn Shot At The WWE Championship Maggle

finally, a fresh matchup

So hey, I know that loving and supporting Dolph Ziggler is kinda tired and hopeless and for people who haven’t updated their talking points, but we’re all in agreement that it’s ignorant to sacrifice him to another Alberto Del Rio push, right? This is coming from a guy who loves Del Rio’s work. He isn’t happening, at least not on the level you want him to. Ziggler’s got that groundswell of Internet support guys like Punk and Bryan get, with the bonus of him NOT RECENTLY BREAKING HIS NECK and NOT RECENTLY QUITTING TO WATCH HOCKEY GAMES. Why not … I don’t know, do something with him? At least put him in the Money in the Bank match to give us the “maybe they’ll give Ziggler a chance” thing.

Again, similar to my Usos/Wyatts complaint, this match was actually pretty good, I’ve just seen it literally one billion times. These guys work great together, they’re just only ever working in random situations like this one where Ziggler has to play jobber, or in World Heavyweight Championship matches where Ziggler has to play concussion victim.

Man, I’m starting to think NOTHING’s gonna happen on this show! I sure hope the main event is boring!

Worst: Cody Rhodes Teaming Sin Cara Up With Goldust And Not Dressing Up As Sin Cara To Team With Goldust

Three things:

1. Michael Cole cannot tell the difference between Cody Rhodes and Goldust.

2. Look at the collar on Cody’s shirt. Man, if I had a team of cleaners working around the clock I couldn’t get my collar to look like that. I think Cody just has a natural pheromone he emits that causes things around him to become beautiful. Like, Eden from NXT is actually Sapphire, but transformed after hooking up with Cody.

3. The story here is that Cody’s gonna keep giving Goldust a bunch of goober tag team partners and watching him lose, only to realize that GOLDUST was the weak link, right? And then Cody’s going to formally turn on him and we get our Cody vs. Goldust match at SummerSlam. That’s the only way this goes unless there’s some other magical story point I’m missing. It’s a good enough story, I guess, assuming “Cody dresses up as Sin Cara and does Sin Cara’s offense straight” is off the table.

Best: Goldust’s Unbelievable Talent Pool Of Former Tag Team Partners

Thinking about it, has any wrestler ever teamed with more great wrestlers than Goldust? Think about it. Going back to the start of his career, he teamed with people like Mike Graham, Barry Windham, DUSTY Rhodes and Ricky Steamboat. In WWE he’s teamed with his brother, Booker T, Lance Storm, Yoshi Tatsu … hell, he had a regular (a regular) tag team with Hornswoggle. Guy goes to Japan and teams with Jinsei Shinzaki. In TNA he teamed with Abyss and a bunch of other guys including one whose name was KILLER SPELLED BACKWARDS. That’s the best wrestlers in history and the worst, all around the world. Goldust has teamed with them all. And now Sin Cara! He was so popular in Mexico he had a comic book! I bet you didn’t know that!

Worst: This Raw’s So Bad I Can’t Even Enjoy A HERO OF THE RUSSIAN FEDERATION Ceremony

This is the bad mental state Raw has put me in. Rusev is getting a GOLD STAR MEDAL created by Vladimir Putin himself for being a hero to the GREAT AND POWERFUL NATION OF RUSSIA. A local indie worker with an okay Russian accent is presenting it to him and confetti is falling. How am I not enjoying this?

I guess I just wanted something to happen. Anything. We got NOTHING. They presented Rusev a medal and … they presented Rusev a medal. Nobody interrupted, no stories were introduced or progressed, and the entire thing seemed like an exercise in encouraging the crowd to chant “USA.” Are fans not doing that enough for Rusev? Lana was BEGGING for the chants. “YOU WILL STOP SAYING USA NOW! STOP CHANTING IT! HEY YOU IN THE BACK I HEARD YOU MUMBLE USA, YOU WILL stop that this instant!

I enjoyed SNOWDEN HEAT, at least. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say the WWE doesn’t have a firm grasp on what exactly happened with Snowden and think he’s that dude on Reddit who kept leaking their PPV results.

Worst: Let’s Ask The WWE Universe What They Thought Of This Segment



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