Best: Put The Belts On Putin
First things first, +1 to WWE for finally using that shirtless pic of Putin on a horse. Between that and the clip of Obama working out, it’s like the googled “president strong” and wrote the first five results into the show.
Second things first, WWE should send Vladimir Putin the WWE World Heavyweight Championship belts and see if he’ll take a photo with them on. Better yet, appeal to his ego and bring him over to judo a bunch of dudes and substantiate the claim that he created a gold star of Russian badassedness award and thinks Rusev deserves it. Hell, tag Rusev and Putin. How great would that publicity be? You’d be on every 24 hour news channel for 23 hours a day. You would get CNN to recap Zack Ryder matches. Also, maybe prevent actual political problems? All I know is that Putin wouldn’t break his neck five seconds into being champion.
Fantasy booking: At WrestleMania 31, play ‘Cult Of Personality’ out of nowhere and have PUTIN show up instead of Punk. That would probably burn out the brain of every wrestling fan in the world in one great power surge.
Best: This Giant Flag Is Legitimately More Interesting Than Zack Ryder
Third things first? I’ve gotta give Lana a supplemental Worst for using “sissy” and “girly man” in a promo in 2014 without being dressed like Hans or Franz. At least she got booed for it. The WWE App should have a poll: Who do you hate more, foreigners or our gay President?
The match itself was enjoyable, as Rusev has formally moved on from the “beat up black guys” trope and settled comfortably into humiliating my least favorite wrestlers. The transition started with Xavier Woods and Kofi Kingston I guess, and now he’s trouncing Mojo Rawley on NXT and beating Zack Ryder before he’s even got a chance to Woo Fist and Broski Boot anything. Good stuff. I am never Worsting a truck-wide guy going BLEAHHHHHHH and superkicking somebody’s head off for aimlessly bouncing off the ropes.
Worst: Let’s Ask The WWE Universe What They Think About Rusev
Worst: There Is No Way Cody Rhodes Thought R-Truth Was A Better Partner
The march toward “Cody realizes Goldust was the weak link and turns on him” continues with the sudden option of R-TRUTH, which suggests that Cody Rhodes has never actually watched WWE programming. Does he think we’re still back in the first two seasons of NXT? R-Truth is basically your worst available option. What’s next, teaming him with Zack Ryder, the guy who just lost a match in 40 seconds? Maybe throwing some arm tassels on Justin Roberts?
I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and I feel like the Cody turn might be too obvious. What if Goldust is the one who turns? The guy’s being forced into these doofy losing scenarios by his egocentric, privileged brother every week. He’s gotta get tired of that eventually. Cody just pressing his collar and hanging out in the back and forcing him to set up R-Truth axe kicks or whatever. I’d be furious. Maybe next week Cody’s like, “here’s your tag team partner THE BROOKLYN BRAWLER” and Goldie just mauls him.
Worst: What Is Rybaxel’s Role In This?
This is starting to bug me. Every week, Goldust gets paired up with a new tag team partner and forced to tag against Ryback and Curtis Axel. Are they friends? Are they trying to help him work through the process? These wins they’re racking up don’t seem to mean anything and we haven’t had the “wins means more money” talking point in ages, so what’s up? Is the end of the angle Ryback and Curtis Axel agreeing to be Goldust’s tag team partners so they can do something ELSE?
WWE’s obsession with rivalries meaning “YOU ONLY FIGHT ONE OTHER GUY OVER AND OVER” is so bizarre. Couldn’t you give other teams a victory now and then? I’m sure Drew and Jinder could use a pin on Goldust, especially if you’re doing it to meaninglessly tell a story. Give Los Matadores a win that isn’t 3MB. It’s not like Ryback and Curtis f*cking Axel are the only tag guys who can credibly pin Goldust. You’ve got him losing via Divas roll-up. Put Natalya and Eva Marie over them, who cares.
Worst: Women, Am I Right
In a segment enjoyed by guys who type “barefoot” into YouTube, heel Layla is talking shit about Minnesota so babyface Summer Rae (who is from New York) sneaks up on her, pours milk on her head, physically assaults and turns a table over on her. Because … Layla has a boyfriend she wants, I guess? Layla sits in the floor crying and Summer Rae struts away triumphantly.
I’ve written about it a lot, but the worst part of watching Impact is that everyone on the roster is an awful person. Just these cruel, weird, hateful, angry people who can’t stop screaming and trying to pearl harbor each other with sneak attacks, gang attacks and swerves. The Divas division is kinda like that. Aside from Paige (who is doing the Lord’s work), the “WWE Divas” are just weird, mean people who can’t stop being hateful to one another. That’s not fun. It’s Impact. The person we’re cheering is doing the worst shit, and the only reason we’re given to cheer them is “cheer them.”
If you put these girls in Affliction t-shirts I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.