Best: Someone We’ve Never Seen Before
Cody Rhodes promised Goldust that next week’s mystery partner will be someone we haven’t seen before, and that’s pretty exciting, whether he mean it as “an NXT guy being brought up as Goldust’s actual new tag team partner” or as “Damien Sandow in some Goldust paint.” Worst case, it gives us something to look forward to next week. “Looking forward to something” is basically all I’m ever asking for.
Best: This 2-on-3 Handicap Match I’m Pretending Is Happening
This was as good as you’d expect, because of the usual reasons: face Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns being the best person in the world at hot tags, Cena standing on the apron doing almost nothing, everybody being super familiar with each other and working together all the time, Luke Harper being a workhorse beast, Erick Rowan’s continued improvement and Bray Wyatt’s newfound love of snatching dudes out of oblivion and snapping them over with running Sisters Abigail.
I am still not a fan of Cena standing around in the background giving approving nods to Ambrose and Reigns like this is the first time he’s ever seen them work. I know Cena’s kinda the king of the world and everything (and a much better pro wrestler than almost any of us give him credit for), but I really need him to stay away from stuff I like. Think of WWE like television. Weird, right? There’s something for everybody. Cartoons for kids, news, sports, serious adult drama on cable networks. Now imagine that in the middle of your Game of Thrones episode it’s revealed that the only person who can save Castle Black is SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS, and Spongebob not only saves the day, he stands around giving big thumbs up gestures at all your favorite characters and going WAHHHHH.
(Now imagine Spongebob flying through the air immediately dispatching all the giants and mammoths, and you’ve got an idea of how John Cena exists in my head.)
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
Damien Sandow looked like he got his hind centaur legs removed.
Stupid Sexy Sandow!!
“If you like Daniel Bryan as WWE World Heavyweight Champion, you can keep Daniel Bryan as WWE World Heavyweight Champion.” – Barack Obama
“BUT I TOTALLY SPEAK RUSSIAN… BROSKI..?”
RIP Zack Ryder
Representing The Shield, from Sierra Hotel, India… The Great Khali!
Bo Dallas needs a submission so he can tell his opponent not to give up.
Sammy Davis Jr.
“And that’s when your dad stopped liking The Shield.”
You people just wait until next month when John Cena wins the NXT title.
(Cut to the opening of RAW)
RANDY ORTON: As you know I, being myself, being the one with the microphone am called, named Randall “Randy” Keith Orton and as my friend, my compadre, my colleague, my boss, my Evolution team-mate Hunter Hearst Helmsley also known as HHH also known as The Game who came up with a Plan B, a secondary plan, a back up plan against the fellow trio, The SHIELD comprised of Dean Ambrose, a lunatic, an insane person, and Roman Reigns, a Samoan from Samoa…
TRIPLE H: Randy, he’s not from Samoa.
RANDY ORTON: But he is for he is Samoan and Samoans are from Samoa unless if they are American Samoan in which they are from American Samoa which is located south east from Samoa. Look but that is beside the point, the point in which I am not making is the point in which I was breifly mentioning is the fact that they thought they had a comrade, they thought they had a friend, the Architect like Indiana Jones.
TRIPLE H: Indiana Jones was an Archaeologist, not an Architect Randy.
RANDY: The Architect who is in fact not Indiana Jones, for an Architect is a man who oversees, plans and designs buildings. But this building fell down from the inside for it was not in fact not that good of a building that man, that person, that masculine homo sapien, that being is Seth Rollins.
SETH ROLLINS: You want to know why I did what I did? The only person who needs to know what I did is the only person who needs to know and that person who needs to know is the person who needs to know. *Pauses for 5 minutes*
JBL: IS HE GAWNA TWERK MAGGLE? MAGGLE, MAGGLE, MAGGLE, MAGGLE.
*Crowds chant You’ve Still Got It at Seth*
SETH: Let me tell you about my mother, my mother is my mother and she is the one who brought me into this world, the one who gave birth to me is my mother and my mother is not the person who needs to know, she called me Seth, the funny thing about Seth is that it sounds like Sith now the greatest Sith is Anakin Skywalker and Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose, Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns, Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose that is what I’m going to hit you with, The Skywalker, The Skywalker is the move I’m going to hit you with then the Blackout because it will be lights out for you will be knocked out cold and then you’d know that the one person, the one person who needs to know, the one person who needs to know and who’s the only one required to possess news of that knowledge, is me, myself, I, Seth Rollins.
HHH *Thinking to himself* Should’ve got Dean.
Thanks, everybody. See you next week.